I’m young, I’m opinionated, and just so amazed at the conflict there still is today between stay-at-home moms,full-time working moms, and the in-betweeners. I’ve been a full-fledged member of the stay-at-home club and have been for the past year a working mom and a definite in-betweener. Since the men in the world first allowed women out of the house to work (ha!), there has been strife about who’s doing the right thing and who’s damaging their children for life (there are various definitions of this, depending on who you’re talking to). I could write for days about the frustrations I’ve had with catty women in my short lifetime, but motherhood has increased that to YEARS of writing. don’t worry, I won’t subject you to all of it today

Just as a teaser, 3 things to think about:

No Moms’ Group will claim me

That’s right. Since I had my daughter in 2005 I’ve tried finding a moms group or playgroup to join. None will accept the likes of me, first because of my location, and now because I, GASP, work. Their nice way of saying it is that I’m too busy and wouldn’t be able to attend enough required sessions. What they really mean is I’m not like them and they don’t like me. Oh, and they actually audition people before letting them join playgroups too. Seriously, all I wanted was women to talk to and kids for my kids to play with, not a “club”, not another job. I guess I just need to make more REAL friends, huh? Oh wait, they all work too and aren’t around to play with during the strange times I have available. Sigh.

Women LOVE to judge other women

Rather than accepting that we’re all part of some strange little club, we (yes, I used to do it too, but quickly realized the error of my ways) LOVE to judge other women for the choices they make. I’ve grown out of it - I accept that the fact that I have choices at all is a LUXURY. It’s a luxury in this society to have the option of working or not working and it’s a luxury to have the time to write about it. The people talking about this are privileged - I treat my privilege to choose as one of the most sacred things there is.

Case in point: This article title “Is the Part-Time Mom Really Helping” on CareerMomma says:

“Clearly my stance will be controversial to some. My appeal is to the masses. Try to see this from the point of view of those who struggle in the full-time realm. It is a great struggle, if you are one of the Stay-at-Home and yet want to work Moms you obviously don’t get it. There are lots of things you can do at home or outside part-time that would utilize your skills without taking away from others. You made a choice, now stick with it.“

Ouch. Can women BE any more harsh? I agree with a lot of her points earlier in the post (read it, it brings up some interesting points about former professional women working part-time for less-than-average pay) but the dividing of women based on lifestyle choice just isn’t helping anyone.

The bright spot

And then there’s this excellent post on Tax Girl that made my heart sing because she said exactly what I’ve always wanted to say. She writes “How Much is Your Mother Worth” about the Salary.com numbers they release every year “valuing” a mother’s work in dollars. I love Tax Girl’s take on this:

Yeah, it’s a little over the top. But you see where I’m headed here. I don’t like attempts to quantify a mother’s job because I think it’s missing the bigger picture. Moms are a valuable and irremovable piece of our greater society. It would be impossible to actually define and quantify the value that moms add to our lives - and dads, too. There are some things, as MasterCard points out, that money just can’t buy.

I’ll let you read the rest of her post to get the full story on the Salary.com numbers and Tax Girl’s excellent business-minded view of why the numbers are silly, but I like how she doesn’t attempt to divide women:

Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. I think that being a mother, whether a stay at home mother or a working mother, is an enormous job. I do believe that the contributions of mothers to society are routinely ignored and/or undervalued. But attempting to classify the job of being a mom into artful roles doesn’t change that - and I would argue that it makes it worse. Why can’t we just say that being a mom, in and of itself is important? Why do we feel the need to “boost our image” by comparing ourselves with CEOs? Why do we need to attach an hourly rate to our daily activities to give validation to what it is that we do?

Well said, Tax Girl! And as a reformed Tax Female myself, I love that you write about the topic!

Seriously, I’m just another woman, just another person who wants friends to play with and people to like me for me. In the current environment, women who have the luxury of making choices about career are hit from every side - there’s no “right” choice.

If you have the luxury of choosing if and when you work, savor every part of that and know that others don’t have these choices.

If you think for a second about judging, step back for a minute and think about how YOU would feel in the other situation. If you can’t, talk to someone who’s been there.

This has been going on for years - it exhausts me and I’ve only been in this game for 2.5 years. Can’t we all just get along? And yes, that’s also what I used to say on the playground in elementary school, I was THAT kid………….

Don’t even get me STARTED on the other ways women can rip one another apart over motherhood…………..breastfeeding, daycare, preschool, sleeping arrangements, the list goes on……….

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