One Marvelous Compensation
May 18th, 2008 by Diane Cordell
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“The truth is despite the hard work and juggling required to keep the different facets of the frantic life afloat, the ’superwoman’ has one marvelous compensation. Being busy and being seen to be busy lets you off the hook. Buys you a way out of all aspects of your many roles you secretly despise … like cleaning cupboards … or entertaining your husband’s business friends. When you combine wife, mother, career and all, each role become the perfect excuse for avoiding the worst aspects of the other.” -Bettina Arndt
My parents had two very different philosophies regarding time and money. Dad was a career engineer for General Electric. His job required a lot of traveling - my younger nephew called him “Poppa Airplane” to distinguish him from a more stationary maternal grandfather. Time at home was for family and local politics, not yard work or snow shoveling. Whatever his three children couldn’t handle was contracted out. Household repairs were left to the experts.
Mom took the opposite view. She hated to spend money on things she could do herself, like repainting the ceilings and walls. As a stay-at-home mother, she filled her days with meaningful tasks, taking pride in her sparkling windows and homemade desserts.
Comments on Twitter this morning reminded me of these opposing viewpoints. Jokes about cleaning and cobwebs made me smile, but I sensed some underlying guilt, as if the women making these remarks felt the need to apologize for their lack of housewifely skills.
It is a given that all mothers are working mothers. Time is one of our most precious commodities, not to be squandered on meaningless tasks. If you enjoy cleaning, then by all means factor it into your schedule. But if these “obligations” are sapping your energy and cutting into family time, take a minute to reevaluate your priorities.
Clean laundry and sanitary counter tops matter to me: gleaming floors and dust-free furniture do not. I don’t advocate living in squalor, but I’m not willing to squander the weekend dealing with what are, to me, non-essential matters. Time away from work is for fun and family.
I can’t eat off my floors, but I never planned on doing that anyway. I’m with you Dad: I work hard to earn the money to buy my freedom. And I don’t feel guilty at all.
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Wow, I so agree with you. When I went back to work when my daughter was 10 weeks old, I went with the understanding that I was hiring a cleaning person to come in once every two weeks (can’t afford once a week) to clean. In between, I straighten up, do laundry, dishes, clean countertops. That’s it. I entertain only after a cleaning person day. Never on the off week! I don’t feel guilty. I am busy and don’t wish to spend all my free time cleaning. I am glad to hear I’m not the only one.
I agree with a lot of what you wrote.
But here is my admittedly warped issue: I can’t bear to pay someone to clean for me. It feels elitist. And yes, that is completely stupid.
Just after we bought our house, I had a cleaning lady for a bit. I felt the need to clean up before she came - I felt embarrassed asking her to clean up for me. Totally defeated the purpose.
I think a lot of it stems from growing up poor. My parents didn’t have money for cleaning people, lawn maintenance folks (don’t even get me started on that one) and the like. And many of my relatives cleaned houses for a living to make ends meet. In my head, that somehow translated into this bizarre aversion to having someone help me out.
It’s totally my issue, I get that.
I just can’t fix it.
Now, if you want to clean my house for free… that’s a different matter entirely!
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Lisa,
You’ve found the perfect solution. A friend of mine retired from teaching a few years ago. She had spent summers cleaning at a local resort and couldn’t wait to start her own business. She finds being a professional house cleaner satisfying and profitable: many of her clients are her former teaching colleagues!
Kelly,
My mom grew up as the second-youngest of eight in a single parent household. I’m sure that had a lot to do with her attitude towards spending money on what she considered non-essential services. But her workplace was her home - I don’t have the time or inclination to follow her lead. In this part of my life, I’m definitely a “Daddy’s girl.”
diane
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Diane
This post should go on the fridge! I am a single parent of 2 grown children. I used to cook, clean, etc- seemed like it was never-ending. Now with the kids gone and the house to myself- I use cleaning as a way to procrastinate- my house gets cleaned when I have grades and comments to do, taxes, etc.
I always thought it was the kids who made a mess- no, it’s me. I would much rather play outside or curl up with a good book than worry about cleaning the house. The dirt will be there when I make the time.
I have a healthy tolerance for messes and dirt…remember the old chestnut about a clean desk.
Oh, Diane, I’m so glad to have inspired this post!
I was wondering today whether my husband feels the same guilt and angst about those stupid dishes sitting by the sink and the dust bunnies under the kitchen stools. I’m guessing not. I’ve decided my top priorities are 1) clean dishes, 2) clean laundry (folded preferable), 3) floor vac’d at least 1x week, and 4) a clean toilet.
What gets me is walking into my friends’ houses - I have to remind myself that we all have different priorities and 1 of my closer friends has a cleaner come every week and my best friend has a stay-at-home husband who actually LIKES to clean -)
It’s especially hard making the transition from being a stay-at-home mom to working at a different job - my overall job has changed, but my responsibilities haven’t decreased at all. I would have to say that my nature is much more like that of your father - if I could afford to outsource our cleaning I’d do it in a heartbeat. That’s what I try to tell my husband about yardwork when he’s stressing about it - he’s more like your mother
Thanks again for this, you’ve absolved some of my guilt!
Maureen,
I like your attitude, and am working on cultivating a similar one.
Kate,
I had hoped that your generation of women would be free from this type of guilt, but I guess expectations haven’t changed all that much: a “real woman/wife/mother should be able to do it all…with a smile.
In the summer, when school is out, I do a bit more cleaning, but nothing to brag about. There’s my online world and books to read and images to capture. If there are clean clothes and food to eat, I feel I’ve done my part.
My husband claims he’ll take over more of the housekeeping chores once he retires. We’ll see!
diane
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