One of the tough days
May 20th, 2008 by Kate Olson
So, I’ve said it before - I was a stay-at-home mom and CHOSE to put my kids in daycare and return to work. (I say this so no one starts feeling sorry for me and my lot in life……….) Today was one of the tough ones where I re-think that decision and get all sappy and regretful and question my choices. I go through this every so often, but after being insanely busy lately and reading Rachael’s post here and Arianne’s post on NWI Parent, today’s just really hitting me.
I was running late this morning and my husband had to get the kids up early, so I actually got to see them before I left for work - after giving my daughter a kiss, and cuddling my son before he insisted on going to Daddy, Mags says, “Mommy, no! Can’t you stay home and play today?” I almost dropped it all, put my sweats back on and just stayed home, I really did. This is after leaving to go play volleyball last night and leaving the kids with a sitter, so the guilt is more than usual.
Don’t get me wrong, when I stayed at home full-time I almost went insane and was dying to get time alone, but I just can’t seem to find perfection - I’m now sure that it doesn’t exist. What all of this has really done for me is realize now, 15 months into my son’s life, that I MUST stop trying to wish my kids into growing up faster, I really have to. My kids are 15 months apart and just now have things settled into any semblance of a rhythm, so I was constantly thinking as soon as he can do this, as soon as she can do that…………now I’m reading Rachael and Arianne’s posts and feeling the way I do and just getting over-the-top, sitting-at-my desk-crying emotional about missing out and not being the mom I should be.
I KNOW I’ll feel better about this as soon as I’m trying to deal with two melting-down toddlers later this afternoon and dying for my husband to come home and help me, but I just can not WAIT for this summer to come and life to get a little more family-oriented. This is why I think my decision to leave my teaching job and work from home (with part-time childcare this summer and kids in daycare full-time in the fall) after this month is the right one - it’ll let me have a lot more flexibility and maybe, just maybe, there will be a little more balance.
For now, I just need a good tantrum or some pee on the floor to remind me why I made the decision I did.
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That was one of the best posts ever. You made my day.
Beckis last blog post..More on leave
just look at a paycheck, that will remind you of why you made the decision. And that’s not a droll statement, either, it’s important. If you were dropping kids in daycare for an entire week of “mom’s day out,” that would be one thing, but working moms improve the overall quality of life for the family. When time comes for those littles of yours to go to summer camp, scouting, dance, band, choir, soccer, you name it, you’ll have the financial resources to support them in their choices. And let’s not forget the whole college-thang, either.
YatPundits last blog post..Walking the Labyrinth
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Life is about doing the best that you can, but you can’t do your best if you feel guilty and are kicking yourself for past decisions.
I am sure you are a great mom. The little people learn early on how to get what they want and sometimes they just want mom and dad to feel bad too.
Al Dosss last blog post..Time to grow up!
Wow… YatPundit’s post in the first sentence makes you mad at him and then he brings it back around to Genius in 2 more sentences.
Kate,
Here’s the nail to hang your hat!!!!
Your kids are gonna be awesome because you are the type of Mom that considers this stuff. You may or may not make the right decisions in everything in life… (You will make a lot of wrong ones..) It really doesn’t matter, honest it doesn’t, what matters is that you are the type of person that thinks about it and cares. Intentions are the root of everything. If your kids grow up seeing you care about the decisions you make about them they will grow up to be kids that care and ta da… you are the greatest Mom in the world in their eyes and that’s all that matters.
Kate, hang in there. Just as you said, one tantrum and you could feel much better. It’s the whole reason we started this blog, to know that we are not alone in our mixed feelings of wanting it all - I want a career and I want to be active in my children’s lives. Having just one or the other would make me feel incomplete - at the same time I don’t want to do, as a male friend of mine said last night, “a half-assed job at both.” And everyday I struggle with that notion. We do the best we can. And you know what - it’s ALL OKAY. Trust me, it will be okay.
Men have been doing it for years, FYI. Let’s not forget that - and let’s not shoulder all the burden ourselves for making the “either/or” choice. We can do both, and to them both well, too.
Hang in there!
Christine Perketts last blog post..Persuasive Picks for the week of 05/12/08
There will be more balance - but anything worth having is hard work getting there. I think you’re doing fantastic, and it’s obvious how much it all matters to you because you’re posting about it. Your kids have a great mom who wants the best for them and for the family as a whole; they’re incredibly blessed.
*hug* Just keep on keeping on!
Ok I have a little point to Christine Perketts comment….
“Men have been doing it for years, FYI. Let’s not forget that ”
Men have been doing it for years and it has worked out because women weren’t doing it.
Whoa!!!!!! Slow down mommy’s quit lighting up the keyboards and attacking me!!!
I am not saying Mom’s should not pursue careers!! I think anyone regardless of anything has the right to pursue whatever they want. My point is this. Mom’s pursuing careers is a different dynamic than just saying Men have been doing it for years. It can still work, that is how my house is and I think it’s a success. You are just comparing Apples and Oranges. Men are going to have to meet in the middle and assume some of the old school traditional “Mommy” duties.
Ok I am rambling.. Point is:
You cannot say, it’s ok to do this because Men have been doing this for years. It’s ok to do this because every Adult in this country has the same rights but the Family dynamic must change if both parents are going to pursue careers.
Jeez!!! I feel like I just spilled milk all over all of your kitchen floors. I promise I am on your side I just had reservations with Christine’s comment.
Codys last blog post..I am right and you are Wrong because you are Gay.
All -
Thank you SO much for the support, it truly makes me feel better to know that other people understand what I’m going through……and that’s why I decided to write here, community helps in so many situations. Thanks again for helping me put things in perspective
Also this just happened in my Hometown, Kate it’s not this bad yet is ???
http://www.hutchnews.com/Todaystop/wifefingertip
Joke!
Codys last blog post..I am right and you are Wrong because you are Gay.
“Men are going to have to meet in the middle and assume some of the old school traditional “Mommy” duties.”
this dad agrees totally. but then, I love to cook, so it’s not like that job-sharing is a huge issue.
I travel so much, though, that wife is like a single mom for the weeks i’m away, and then I assume the bulk of the carpool/shopping/etc when home. it’s different, but it works.
YatPundits last blog post..Walking the Labyrinth
YatPundit - I forsee future debates and beers!!
Thanks.
Kate you have unboubtedly the second best blog I have read today…
Sorry I am a little bit of an ego-maniac!!! lol
Codys last blog post..I am right and you are Wrong because you are Gay.
Wouldn’t it be awesome if employers universally gave us the option to take “family health” time like this. Sorry, gonna be late to work, I have to play dress-up…
Kate,
I was a total stay-at-home when my kids were young (not even a part-time job) and I STILL experienced guilt…about the days when I was too tired to play in the park or too impatient to read a favorite story yet again.
We do what we can, and our children love us for it. It’s the quality of care, the depth of feeling that gives our kids their sense of security. They will remember your family evening of impromptu dancing rather than occasional moments of stress.
You’re a fabulous, fun Mom! Give yourself the credit you deserve.
diane
dianes last blog post..Lilacs
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