“Feeling our feelings, instead of denying or minimizing them, is how we heal from our past and move forward into a better future. Feeling our feelings is how we let go. It may hurt for a moment, but peace and acceptance are on the other side. So is a new beginning.” -Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go

What do you say to your four year-old when Daddy stops coming home, reeks of alcohol and doesn’t remember chunks of time? What do you say when she sees her beloved father sleeping, slurring words and yelling at mommy for no other reason than alcohol being involved?

The decision to divorce my husband and father of my only child was not easy or made impulsively. In less than a month my divorce will be final and my husband will be moving out of the house. Never before has my husband harmed our daughter, but the emotional roller coaster of the past year is scarring her childhood. I can see it in my daughter’s actions and worst of all I can see her emulating my emotions and actions. I have tried so hard to keep my emotions bottled up and separated from daughter, but children are far too intuitive.

Just after my daughter was born, I was introduced to Al-Anon and attended my first meeting…on Mother’s Day. I was bitter and angry about being in a relationship with a raging alcoholic and feeling stuck now that we had a child together. I couldn’t accept alcoholism as a disease, but a mere excuse. My expectations have always been too great for anyone to live up to, but I thought I could change this man. I discovered I could not change my husband, but I had the power to control and change myself. This was one of the most empowering and defining moments of my life.

I began to live life through loving detachment. (I will explain this process in depth at another time.) My husband began to see the changes in me and it encouraged him to seek out AA. Two years later, my husband (then my partner) proposed to me. We were happy and both in recovery. I forgot what it was like in the dark years when my husband drank and began to take the sober time for granted. Four months before we were married, my husband began to drink again…after almost three years sobriety. No catastrophic moment brought about the change.

Once again, I was in denial. Everything inside of me screamed not to go through with the marriage, but I thought the drinking was just a random episode. Stupid me thought I could control and change his ways. The drinking became as bad if not worse than it was when he had quit. This was not the first time my husband’s sobriety had lapsed, but it had been the longest time he had remained sober. I thought our marriage and child would make everything better. How could I have forgotten the Al-Anon teachings so soon? Where did the once empowered Lauren disappear?

I began to withdraw from family and friends just as I had six years ago. Old habits resurfaced. I could not let go. Rage burned within me and resentment hardened my heart. Six years ago I could deal with the emotional roller coaster because I was alone, but now I have a daughter and she should not be subject to this lifestyle. Walking on eggshells because you don’t know the mood of the alcoholic or when they might appear is no life for anyone at any age. Once again, I summoned up my courage and sought out Al-Anon and third-party assistance.

So, what do I tell my daughter? This part is new to me. No one wants to talk about what happens behind closed doors, especially when there is an alcoholic in the family. When no one knows about what is happening it is difficult to ask for guidance and support in trying times such as this. Today I am telling my daughter that her Daddy is sick, we need to pray for him and slowly begin to educate her about alcoholism as a disease that has claimed a loved one. It is my intention to always be honest with my daughter and try to speak from a loving position about her father. No matter what my husband has done to me, I know that my daughter will always foster respect and love for him and it is not mine to take away. How would I want my husband to handle the situation with our daughter if the situation was reversed?

I encourage you to attend at least nine consecutive Al-Anon meetings if you have a loved one or friend who is an alcoholic. You are not alone.

Your treasure - your perfection - is within you already. But to claim it, you must leave the commotion of the mind and abandon the desires of the Ego and enter into the silence of the heart.” -Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love