Maybe it’s a rite of passage - for both toddlers and their parents. The tantrum. Our usually-darling child turns into a savage beast creating chaos in his wake.

My friend’s daughter threw such out-of-control tantrums that it was all my friend could do to keep her daughter from hurting herself. My sister’s son takes it out on his little brother, turning around to push the “other” toddler if he doesn’t get his way. Braxton’s latest trick? throwing himself on his knees… hard… on the wood floor. Braxton’s tantrums drive me to the edge of sanity and my partner and I find ourselves stressed out at each other after a particularly difficult bout.

First of all, I am no expert. But, I recently did a bunch of research to help me learn to handle Braxton’s tantrums in a more positive, constructive way than giving in or losing my own temper. And since I did the research, I figured I might as well and open it up to This Mommy Gig community to share their own strategies.

Why Tantrums?

A toddler’s life up to this point has been a charmed one. He’s hungry? He eats. Wet diaper? It’s changed. Tired? He’s able to sleep at will. This is our job as a parent to cater to our baby’s every need and bend over backward to make sure they feel safe and loved. When it comes time to help our children understand how to manage this free will that they’ve developed, it can be overwhelming a difficult transition.

According to Dr. Kenneth Condrell a child psychologist and resident expert at Fisher-Price this transition can take a while.

“While he learns how to tolerate frustration, there will be many temper tantrums. Sometimes during these temper tantrums, the toddler will fall to the floor and bang his head. Sometimes, he will pull his hair and spit. Sometimes he will kick his feet, or throw things—or throw up. All of this is normal…of course, it’s also trying on the toddler’s parents.”

As moms, we see this all the time, right? It’s clear that our child is developing a real sense of self and what he wants. But his communication skills haven’t kept pace. I’d be frustrated to! I’ve thrown tantrums for lesser reasons that that.

What to do?

Most experts agree that there are two types of tantrums, manipulative and frustrated.

Dr. Sears has this suggestion:

“If you feel that your child is using tantrums as a tool to get his own way, give him verbal cues and use body language that says you don’t do tantrums. Be aware that toddlers know how to push their parents’ buttons. If you are a volatile person, it’ll be easy for your child to trigger an explosion from you, ending in a screaming match with no winners. You send a clear message when you ignore his fits or walk away. This teaches him that tantrums are not acceptable. This is part of toddler discipline.”

I’d like to think I could always tell the difference, but I can’t.

However, most tantrums come from frustration and require empathy. As with everything in parenting, everyone has an opinion about what to do. Here are some of the tips I found most helpful:

Identify the Trigger: Toddlers seems to melt down at the times that it’s least convenient for us. But it’s often those very circumstances that lead to frustration. Dr. Sears suggests keeping a “tantrum diary.”

Dr. Spock says to ask yourself some basic questions to see if you’re doing what you can to avoid tantrums. (does your kiddo have enough outside play time? are there things to push, pull and climb? do you “set him up” by scheduling demanding activities at a time when he’s likely to be hungry or tired? when you see a storm brewing, do you distract him to something else?)

Prevent & Plan Ahead: Go to the supermarket when you’re both well rested and fed and let your toddler be your helper (Dr. Sears). If you know the triggers, you can help distract, prevent or avoid the tantrums all together.

The little person in your life if figuring out how to be an independent being. Give him choices when you can will help give a sense of control (BabyCenter)

Stay Cool: There’s no way around it, tantrums are embarrassing. Even if you feel trapped and embarrassed, don’t lash out. You need to stay in control. If you need to, take him to the bathroom or the car or another quiet spot to calm down (Dr. Sears).

The emotion that your darling toddler is exhibiting can be frightening and overwhelming to him, too. Some experts say to comfort him by holding him, others say to ignore the tantrum until he calms down. Regardless, don’t abandon him by storming off to the other room and figure out the approach that works (BabyCenter).

Verbalize: Move to your tot’s level and say the things that he can’t say. Ex: “You’re mad at mommy because you can’t have candy” (Dr. Sears). Speak in short sentences and acknowledge their emotions (Dr. Harvey Karp via LiveScience)

Overall, try to ease up and choose your battles. If you find yourself saying “no!” all the time, you might be putting undue stress on both of you. (Braxton’s favorite saying right now, which he delivers in a mocking tone is: “no! stop it!”… that’s probably a sign). And there are times to talk to your doctor, too. According to BabyCenter, if your child is over 30 months and having major tantrums every day or under 30 months and not cooperating with any routines. Follow your gut.

And…if all else fails, you can buy the Tula Tantrum Tamer, a “native remedy” that says it reduces the frequency and severity of tantrums and helps children become more “amenable to compromise and discipline.” Huh. Well, there you go!

Seriously, I’d love to hear what This Mommy Gig community thinks. What’s worked for you? What hasn’t?

photo by Jenn_Jenn via Flickr

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Tags: coping, emotions, patience, tantrums, toddlers