How did I get here?
Jun 5th, 2008 by Susan Roustan
I have to be honest with you - I never expected to be here. Yes, ten years ago, I did assume that I would be married. I thought I would be a mom, too (although, at the time, I wanted about three or four kids by now). I even imagined that I would have a career (what - ‘rock star’ is a career). No matter how much I whine, I have exactly what I wanted. While I thought that we would drive to work with rocket-powered backpacks and that I would literally be rolling in money, my life is pretty much what I thought it would be.
Except for one thing -
At the ripe old age of 27, I find myself a member of the sandwich generation.
I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know how it happened. It was gradual - I didn’t even realize it was going on until I got the phone call. ”Honey, it’s Mom. Your dad’s tests results came back, and it’s cancer.” So, we prayed like hell, read as much literature as we could get our hands on, and Dad fought.
Three (four?) months later, another call. “Honey, it’s Mom. Your dad has had a heart attack.” So, we prayed like hell, read as much literature (and cookbooks) as we could get our hands on, and Dad fought.
Less than one month later, my Dad is in the hospital again. And it kills me that they are two hours away. I knew this time that something was wrong. I couldn’t get ahold of them, and I just had a bad feeling. So, I called the hospital directly. My Mom was so mad at me for checking up on her!
And now, we have come full circle. A great deal of my friends are in the same position - learning to be a parent while learning to parent their parents. The “sandwich generation” - those who are stuck between their kids and their parents. The catch, is that most of my friends in this with me are in their fourties or older. Most of my friends that are my age are just starting to get married, or are still too busy having fun to settle down.
Don’t get me wrong - I’m not complaining, I’m just tired. And I don’t really know what I’m doing (shhh…don’t tell anybody). In my mind, though, that’s most of what parenting is - not really knowing what is going on, and pressing forward anyway. Learning through trial and error.
Are you going through this? Have you successfully navigated this part of life already? Let’s start a discussion here. And now? To get a snack…all this talk about ’sandwiches’ is making me hungry! 
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Susan,
So sorry to hear all that your family has been going through. I understand your ache about the distance between you and your parents. When my father was battling cancer he and Mom were an eight-hour drive or a $500 plane ride away. I’m grateful that one of my brothers lived closer than me, but felt guilty that he bore the brunt of responsibility (as I suppose he always has).
They had to come to Texas often, though, for treatments at M.D. Anderson; and then, they were only a couple of hours away in Houston. That gave me an opportunity to try to be there to help and support, and even better it gave my daughter more precious time to be with “papaw”.
While we miss him, I’m grateful for the great memories of him she keeps with her today. So, the best advice I can give you is to concentrate on building as many fond memories for you son with your father as possible.
~Laura
Susan, I have no advice to offer; I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for the health struggles your dad is facing, and I’m sorry that it’s putting you in a position you never imagined yourself dealing with in your late 20’s. I hope that you and your parents can find the strength to get through this tough period and that your dad’s health improves so he can enjoy his golden years - and so you can enjoy your youth a bit longer!
My thoughts are with you all. Hang in there and know that we’re here!!
Amy Giampetronis last blog post..How did I get here?
It’s a tough time you are going through. I’m sorry. It is a big load, being a parent and learning to take care of your parents at the same time.
My dad died of cancer four years ago. He was an amazing man who left this earth far too soon. My children adored him, and both of them feel “ripped off” that they had so little time with him.
Both of my boys — as different as they are from one another — bear striking resemblances to him in one way or another and share a number of his best qualities. I’ve tried hard to keep them connected with those warm memories by reminding them of these things.
“Grandpa would have loved the way you developed this character,” I said to my oldest as I read a story he wrote just for fun. His eyes lit up, and he went off to reread the story through the eyes of our favorite English teacher.
“You know who else loved broccoli?” I asked my youngest as I serve up his third helping. “Grandpa did. And he didn’t like cheese on it, either. Just like you!”
My boys never tire of hearing the stories about him, and can tell most of them by heart pretty well now. Of course, he was a very mischievous child, so there are plenty of good ones about the trouble he got into — something that is amazing to them, since he turned out to be such a magnificent man.
I guess that’s what got us through that tough time. I still get teary when certain songs come on the radio, or when I see something that would have impressed him. My boys just give me a hug, and one of them will say something like, “Remember how he his hugs were so strong that you couldn’t breathe?” or “I can still remember his big booming laugh… I hope I don’t ever forget that.”
My thoughts are with you and your family. Take care.
Kymberlis last blog post..Diving In, Headfirst!
Ladies,
Thanks for your kind words. I hope that my post didn’t come off as needing sympathy, though.
I brought this all up because one of my friends, also 27, was listening to me talk about what I needed to do for my parents. After listening thoughtfully, she said, “Wow. It must be really hard to have old parents. You have so many problems that I can’t even imagine.”
I don’t know that it occurred to me before this that there was anything weird about what I was going through. I decided last night to share this information with you all, because I KNOW I’m not the only one trying to learn which way to go on this new path.
Maybe I should ask a specific question; would that help? I would like my parents to live closer to us - possibly even with my family - so that we could take better care of them. How do you even approach this situation? Any ideas?
Mmmm. That’s a good question. My first reaction was that you said that so well that you should just be sincere and forthright, and that would carry the conversation to the next step. However, I also think that your parents are both going through immense turmoil as well, and the comfort of familiar surroundings and routines may be helpful to them in the process. Being uprooted might be more stressful. Perhaps they would prefer if your family moved closer to THEM. (A bigger undertaking, to be sure, if not impossible…)
Maybe test the waters by finding the right time to sigh and casually-almost-offhandedly say you wish you could help them more. It would be easier if there wasn’t such a distance between you…
Your mom or dad’s reaction will tell you a lot.
Kymberli Mulfords last blog post..Diving In, Headfirst!
I’m sorry to hear about your father. My dad is healthy, but my mother is a hypochondriac and having some severe mental issues. She called me the other day to tell me that my 5 yr old is really talented with Astral projection and that I shouldn’t carry her into the next room when she’s sleeping or she might not be able to find her body when she returns. And that’s just one of the many odd things she says EVERY TIME I talk to her. I can’t stand it. I just want to forget about her and imagine the lady that raised me still exists somewhere and that insanity isn’t hereditary.
Ahhh- sorry for the novel of a comment. Being a grown-up is just so friggin’ weird, isn’t it?
Lisa Russells last blog post..Save the Animals