“How Come?”
Jun 21st, 2008 by Jon Becker
Jon Becker started dating his wife, Jacqui, when they were 16 and 15 respectively. Despite attending college separately, they got married nearly nine years after their first date. Then, nearly six years after their wedding, they defended their dissertations (in different fields at different universities) 15 minutes apart from each other (no joke)! A couple of years after that, they welcomed their son Drew (Andrew, if you want to be formal about it) to the world. In September of 2007, Jon, Jacqui and Drew (and their two cats Willie and Ubie) left the familial comforts of New York and relocated to Richmond, Virginia. There, Jon works as an assistant professor of educational leadership at Virginia Commonwealth University (VCU); Jacqui works part-time in the VCU Counseling Center and maintains a small, private psychotherapy practice. Jon also blogs at Educational Insanity. Read more about Jon on the Dads page…
Drew turned three a little over a week ago. Apparently, he turned three and simultaneously turned on the “how come?” switch. Nearly everything we say is met with an immediate inquiry…the same one…”how come?” As an educator and avid learner, I love his new desire to understand the world around him. And, Jacqui the psychologist assures me that this is a perfectly natural development. But, parenting the “how come?” child is not easy. Jacqui loves it and thinks it’s all a lot of fun. I, on the other hand, am totally stressed out by it all. I feel like I’m back in law school facing the Socratic teaching method (I’m thinking of starting to call my son Socrates, what do you think?). I feel like I have to explain everything correctly; I can’t let him down. Here’s a synopsis of what occurred tonight:
- Me: “Drew, come to your room so I can change your diaper.”
- Drew: “How come?” (what else did you expect?)
- Me: “Because you have poop in your diaper.”
- Drew: “How come?“
So, where do I go with that? Do I have to explain the whole digestive process? He’s only 3!
It’s pretty interesting because, at least for me, parenting has been a three-year-long (and counting) inquisition. I loved fellow daddy blogger Christian’s point about how the neighbors are (in fact) watching. Everyone, it seems, has strong opinions about parenting and nobody is afraid to share them. Jacqui and I have been “practicing” (perfect word, because we are always working to get better) parenting in accord with many of the principles commonly associated with attachment parenting. This, I believe, puts us at the margins as parents. It has certainly caused many, including those closest to us, to question our judgment(s). The “how comes?” are not usually spoken, but they’re pretty obvious. Drew is still breastfeeding. “How come?” Drew often shares our bed with us. “How come?” We pick Drew up when he wants. “How come?”
The generic answer to all or most of those unasked but obvious questions is that our parenting orientation is the result of careful deliberation and lots of learning. More importantly, we parent according to what we believe, in our hearts and minds, is right for Drew. And, I’m sure that same philosophy will get me through his current developmental stage. I’ve already taken a page out of my professorial playbook and used the old, “I don’t know; that’s a good question, though.” I believe that’s a better approach than making something up. You might disagree. Or, you might ask, “how come?”…
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I’m still waiting for that stage with my sons, 2yrs and 2 months, but i learned a while back from friends a great response to the “why” or “how come” questions… Ask them what they think! Especially for those questions where you dont know exactly how complicated of an answer to give (bodily function questions, where do babies come from, etc). You’ll be surprised at the answers they give. Often they know it already, or have some really interesting ideas of their own!
Great post! Our little one turned three a little over a week ago as well. He’s been “why”ing us for a couple of months now. I like to see where the conversation takes us. The other day we started a conversation with him asking why he had to turn off the water when he was brushing his teeth, and we ended up talking about global warming. As for the attachment parenting, I think a lot of us practice it without having given it that label. Hey, they’re going to be too big to pick up easily soon, you should take all the snuggle time you can now!
Thanks, Sherry. Funny that you mention turning the water off while brushing teeth. I’m terrible about it and my wife is great about it. My son now reminds me by telling me, “Mommy turns off the water…” Al Gore would be proud of him.
Re: attachment parenting…I don’t particularly like “labeling” our parenting. But, I do like that we have a mutually-adopted orientation that we try to be committed to entirely. And, intentionality and consistency are the keys, IMHO. For example, purposeful bed sharing is different than begrudging bed sharing. And, not giving him a hard time when he asks to sleep with us is different than fighting him on any given occasion. So, bed sharing is a practice commonly associated with AP, but it’s not really AP if it’s not done purposefully and consistently.
Jon~Guess I’m not purposeful at sharing the bed if I don’t even notice he’s there until the morning? Doesn’t count :)?
Sherry
No, I think that counts (-: I know lots of parents who argue with the kid before giving in and/or they won’t admit to others that their child is in their bed. I’m impressed that your 3 year old can negotiate his way to your bed on his own!
Jon Beckers last blog post..Fortune Cookie Fate?
My son is in the midst of a serious “Why” phase. While I don’t want to discourage learning, I must admit it is driving me crazy. Especially when I take the time to answer and then I get “What?”. Or the questions I just don’t know how to answer like “What time is it?” “4 o’clock” “Why?” Argh!
I’m going to have to try that “I don’t know; that’s a good question, though.” I say “I don’t know” a lot and hate that copout. Adding “that’s a good question” softens it a bit, I think.
Michelle