Kelli is mom to Braxton, age 2, and partner to Mike. She is an instructor at the University of Oregon and a public relations consultant with her own firm. Thanks to growing up in a large family, she’s learned to manage chaos and still have fun. You can read her posts here.
I make more money than my partner. Significantly more in a given year. I pretty much always have, unless we count college when he was a server at Outback Steakhouse and I was mostly interning for next to nothing. But for all intents and purposes, I’ve always been the breadwinner.
When we got pregnant, that he would stay at home was an easy decision. I had almost no maternity leave (self-employed plus on a teaching contract doesn’t leave room for a traditional amount of time off); I think Braxton was about 3 weeks old when Spring term started and I went back to campus.
Ugh. That makes me tired just thinking about it. Moving on!
I thank God Mike was able to stay home and we were able to make it work. But there are still plenty of things about this arrangement that are difficult.
- I hate keeping score. Who did more housework, who was on baby duty longer… I try not to get sucked in, but it happens and I feel resentful.
- Just because I work from a home office doesn’t mean I’m not working. Too often, the minute I come in the door, the shift change occurs and I’m trying to both work and chase Braxton around to contain the toddler tornado.
- I would love to have “regular” hours. Because I am at home a lot, my projects get spread out over several hours (including interruptions), which means that I have to work late. And on weekends.
All in all, I really am very lucky. Mike is a great dad. Because he stays at home we’re able to live more comfortably than we could otherwise. And I tease him that he’s lucky to have a sugar mama, too.
I know I’m not the only one in this boat. I’d love to hear what you think! What are your challenges? How do you make it work.
Great post, Kelli. I always made more than my first husband, and because of circumstances, he was a “house husband” before he was a stay at home dad. We had many, many, many discussions (and yes, fights) about division of labor, especially before we had our son. I also had issues with feeling like I was giving him an allowance or feeling like he had to ask me for money when he wanted something. The situation often felt like I was his mother instead of his wife, I think it was an easy trap to fall into until we figured out what was going on and made a concious effort to stop.
Now my Fella and I are trying to figure out how we want to structure our home life. He’s getting his MBA now and working a job for very little money, but a lot of experience, so I’m still the breadwinner. The difference is that when he starts his “career” job, he’ll outearn me significantly. I’m a little worried about how that will feel to me!
Not that you want to think about this, but I was in a much more secure financial situation than a lot of women when their husbands die. Since I had already been the breadwinner and paid all the bills, there was no searching for documents or worrying that I wouldn’t be able to support my family.
There is no “right” way to structure your family, but it is helpful to hear how other people work it!
Kelli -
I’m not in your spot as far as earning power, but am SO in your spot as far as working from home. I haven’t found a way (and have MANY issues with) to manage the combination of work/parenting when I’m at home with the rest of the family. We’ve had too many disagreements about this and too many tense moments (like when I’m on a conference call in my office and my husband is dealing with 2 screaming children) for me to be able to offer any advice! I hope others will chime in here
Kelli, I’m the “sugar-daddy” in my family. I really enjoyed reading your post, and wanted to reply back.
In short, my wife and I constantly have discussions regarding responsibilities and what not as she stayed home with our little for almost 5 years now. She once told me that she calculated that what she did around the house as around $100k+ / year based on costs of daycare, house-cleaning, laundry services, meal preparation, etc.
I used to be resentful that she would hand “the kid” to me when I walked in the door, since I would relax; She would build resentment because I didn’t understand her position.
Since she has started back to school, and is quickly beginning a career, we find ourselves balancing all of the responsibilities. To your article, though, I believe each relationship must find its center, it’s sweetspot, it’s balance - if it is too survive.
It sounds like there is a lot that is working for you, but just like in business, a relationship is simply that constant dance. My opinion would be that if you and your family are finding the balance equitable and you all enjoy the fruits of each others’ labors - then you are “in the green”.
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I love all this great feedback and confirmation that our struggles are not unique.
Sherry - there is part of me that is thankful that I’m financially independent and self-sufficient on a very conscious level.
Kate - The conference call is my worst nightmare when I’m “on duty.” Actually did one this morning while Braxton slept and I was on the back porch so I wouldn’t wake him.
Ken - I love that these struggles aren’t sugar mama specific! Thanks for sharing your experience, too.
I was really unsure about writing this post - as you might imagine, it was fueled by a “debate” that we had the day I wrote it. I even went back a couple of times to make sure that I wasn’t being whiny about the situation. I’m glad I did! What great feedback. Thank you.
Kelli Matthewss last blog post..How to Stand Out in a Sea of Interns
Pressured by my sister and the natural pressures of mommy-hood, I am surrendering to adding my thoughts to this topic.
I, proudly, am the sole bread-winner in our family. As a public school teacher, I feel that our family has the perfect balance with me at work and my fantastic husband at home with our son. I realized this just two days after school got out this school year and I was WAITING to go back to teach summer school.
Yes, I admit it. My husband is *better at staying at home than I would be. Despite the thought of dealing with remedial math with middle shoolers, I was eager to return to work. *Why?
1. There cannot be two managers for one child. (I’ve discussed this time and again with ladies in my life that two people micromanaging one 20-month old = disaster)
2. He has an infinite amount of patients compared to me
3. He LOVES it!
#3 is the flashing-neon-sign for me when I consider this. He absolutely loves what he does (despite the noon calls home hearing about the trials of their mornings). So much so that he wants to have more and never go back to work (work by salary, that is).
I know that many women work and men stay at home. It is not as far fetched today as it was decades ago. When I first met Eric, he said he wanted to be a stay-at-home dad for a living. Luck has it, we’ve both begun satisfying our professional goals.
Professional goals aside, I am still stuck with mommy-guilt. Things like parent-teacher conferences, prep-work, grading, coaching high school softball, meetings and other teacher-baggage bring me to tears sometimes on my drive to school. What loving parent actually wants to leave before SON wakes up and gets home after SON goes down for the night? Noone.
Remedy: I’ve concluded that it’s up to me to share those guilty feelings with people who can lend an ear. It is important for me to soak up minutes with my son when I get to be with him (summer rocks for teachers!). It is also important for me to offer praise to my husband for his work in this partnership. Why praise? Because I know darn well if I were to stay home, crazy as I may be (thanks mom), I would need to recognized for my child-rearing efforts. That, my friends, is why I go to work. At work, I don’t need to be thanked or commended. I get that “feel good” compliment from teacher-student relationships and the satisfaction of another year in the books.
Proud to be a sugar mama too!
P.S. I’m trying to encourage my husband to start a compliation of advice for dads. I feel he could really share his experience with the masses. He is just lucky enough to get to Packers.com daily, much less blog!
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