Rachael is a married mother of three, expecting her fourth, working her web design job when the time is available. She also blogs at her website, antithete, and can be found Twittering and Plurking.
I wanted my return to This Mommy Gig blogging to be something fun or hilarious, but unfortunately, today I am mostly just REALLY pissed off. Upset, angry, frustrated, whatever you’d like to call it - that’s me today.
My husband recently started a new job, which has been a fantastic thing for us. It’s made me much busier, but I’m willing to sacrifice that extra time for him being able to bring in enough money to support us, and as a whole, things have been going really well. Except for today.
His job started two weeks ago, and while he gets paid weekly (and has had a first check already!), he is still waiting for his first FULL paycheck, which will go a long way. Our rent is due on the first of every month, but we get a grace period of about six days past that to get our payments in before any late fees or (oh the horror) eviction notices are passed around. Normally, it has been a big struggle to get this payment in on time because of the shaky state of our finances for the past year - but we ALWAYS paid it.
This month, we supposed it would be a little easier, mostly because of the new job. We had most of the rent money in the bank by the second day of the month (his first check, which we haven’t touched), and all we had to do was wait for the child support I am paid for my oldest two kids to make up the rest of it, and voila, we’d be making a payment earlier than usual! We were really excited about this (okay, it was just me), but as the days went by and the payment didn’t show up, I started to get that uneasy feeling I get when I just KNOW it’s going to be ridiculously late again. That feeling is normally followed by anger and then extreme frustration, because this has happened so many times I don’t know if I could count them.
Today was our last day to pay “on time”, and we now have a late fee and a disgruntled landlord, and STILL no support payment. I just wrote a very upset email to my ex, asking him why it was so difficult to make a payment on the same day every month, and telling him that until he shows me a consistent ability to make these payments on time, he cannot have any contact with the kids.
I know a lot of women read this blog, and plenty of men (and some of you are dads), and I ask you: WHY would someone consistenly do this? Have I made it too easy on him?
I don’t want to be dependent on this support to pay rent - I NEVER have wanted to depend on it. It’s too easy for someone to let you down, even accidentally, and I know it’s not financially smart to have to rely on a person who cared so little for us six years ago that he walked out without looking back. By next month, we will have enough regular paychecks in our budget that we will be able to pay our bills without NEEDING the support payment, but we’ll still need it to get by.
Maybe I’m just an upset ex-wife, but I hate that this ridiculous behavior keeps continuing. I hate having to nag just so I can pay our bills, and I hate that he tries to make me feel bad for his own financial situation every time I bring it up. It feels like a losing battle, and I don’t actually think it can be won.
I think it’s clear that your ex sucks - why not contact an attorney and see what they can do? Maybe you can get a regular attachment on his pay or something?
And as angry as he makes you, I’ll just be the lawyer and say that I’d be cautious about using contact with the kids as the “reward” for his being a grown up and paying on time. That’s his legal obligation, for sure. And his not meeting that obligation stinks. But I think the payment and contact with the kids should be unrelated - not to mention that if you break your obligation under the support/visitation agreement, it can come back to haunt you.
But don’t be held hostage by his behavior! It’s unacceptable - I’d file a complaint.
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@Kelly, thank you so much for your comment!
I should have clarified - I have legal and physical custody of my kids, because of his running off and subsequently not ever showing up for court. I have only allowed him to talk to them on the phone within the past 12 months because he seemed as if he wanted to be forgiven, and I haven’t wanted to keep something from my kids that could potentially be good for them.
However, he rarely calls when he says he will, and he doesn’t try to call more than once every couple of months either. It’s pretty sad.
I have an ex-husband so I understand what you are feeling. What worked for us (before he became disabled and I accepted SSDI payments as child support - the US Treasury is never late) was a wage attachment. If I had a problem I didn’t even have to speak to him. It was strictly between his company’s payroll department and me.
I think CS payments can also be made to the court, which then disburses payment to you. However, there may be a delay between when the court gets paid and when you get paid as well as a small fee for the service, but it’s something you may want to consider given the problems you are having.
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@lawschoolmom, he does make his payments to the state, and they disburse them to me. He’s gotten away with not having his wages garnished because he’s been out of work several times.
Oooh, that makes me mad, too. I think you should use your mad geek skills to conjure up some kind of killer nano bot to automatically deduct and transfer the funds as soon as they’re available.
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Rachael, I would be pissed too and have been there. Here you can get in a heap of trouble cutting off contact with the kids, child support or not.
I have custody of my eldest and my ex was notorious for not paying but the court gave him reasonable access and informed me support and access have nothing to do with each other.
I do hope he gets it together soon. No fun waiting or paying bills late.
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Oh Rachael, I can’t even imagine how this feels as a parent
I do know, however, how it feels to be the child in this situation - it’s horrible. I grew up with a father like this and it has a huge impact on the kids as well - maybe your kids are better off than I was because at least their dad isn’t pretending to be a good dad while simultaneously refusing to support them. Being a child of divorce SUCKS - no blame on the parents, since sometimes it’s unavoidable or the right thing to do, but no matter what, it’s a hard place to be in. I know my mom had a horrible time dealing with this and she also had to rely on the money to support our family - my heart goes out to you and your kids, I’m so sorry you have to go through this 
@Sandra, you have a good point about possible trouble for cutting off contact with the kids - but my divorce decree clearly states that any parenting time is awarded at my discretion only, and that’s the only reason I feel comfortable using that as a punishment of sorts.
He has to realize that he can’t just fart around and not take care of his obligations, and I know that’s probably a lot to ask of a person who WAS immature enough to leave the way he did, lol.
@GeekMom, you made me laugh!
@I Know You, thank you for that - I really appreciate your perspective. And I’m so sorry that you grew up with that kind of heartache.
Rachel, I’m sorry that you are having to deal with this. I don’t get why anyone who SAYS they are gonna do something doesn’t just DO it. I don’t get why it wouldn’t be easier for him to do it at a consistent time too! Sending you hugs!
@Christi, you’re right, I don’t understand it either - I understand when things come up, but a court ordered thing is IMPORTANT. As are kids that are still your flesh and blood, and do seem to matter to you.
Thanks for your comment and the hugs.
I had this problem because my ex changed jobs a lot. However, I started sending in the garnishment order every time he changed jobs and the state would send it to his employer. It always took awhile but it was nice once the checks started arriving regularly. He’s required to notify you and the court every time he changes jobs. The other thing I learned is to NOT count on that money because just when you do, something happens and it doesn’t arrive on time.
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Hey Racheal,
Since I cannot say what I want to say and remain out of prison, I will just say he’s a dirty rotten bum. If he cannot make the payment, what’s stopping him from making a phone call and telling you “Hey, I had some car/house fire/drinking problem and the money is not here. I’ll send half now and half in 2 weeks.” No contact is not right. He should make contact, written preferably.
Any dad who’s a real dad makes time for his kids. And you can tell him I said so. He can get back with me and address me as “Sir” or “Mr. GeekDad_4WD”. No better stick with “Sir” as I only want my friends to address me as GeekDad_4WD.
Why exactly should your ex feel sorry that you and your current husband cannot even pay your rent, when you don’t feel bad about his financial situation? Yes, ALL parents should support their children, but honestly, if you NEED the child support to pay your rent, then your current husband and you are not doing your job as parents either…It’s NOT your ex’s fault that your new husband got a new job, or has not been paid…why do you blame him?
And what should not paying child support have to do with him being able to see HIS children? If you lost your job and could not financially support your children (actually, you’re not right now since you can’t even pay rent without CS), you wouldn’t like it if they took your kids away, or would you?
Again, I am not saying your ex should not pay some support, but I think you are being very unfair to not care about his financial situation, when you and your current husband cannot even pay your rent and you do not blame either yourself or your new hubby for your lack of savings or planning ahead until he got all his paychecks…
By the way, for all those saying that “someone says they are going to do something and they DON’t do it?”, sorry, but the person here signed a contract saying she would pay rent every X day and has NOT done that consistently either…
@whatamess, I do appreciate your perspective on this, and you are right in saying that we - my husband and I - also deserve a shaken finger for our lack of financial planning. Outside events and things we cannot control, while they make everything much harder, never make good excuses.
I think the best point was made by GeekDad, who asked why couldn’t my ex have called me (or emailed me) just to let me know what his situation was. My landlord asks that we tell her if our rent will be late for some reason. She is understanding about it, but still has to fine us if we fall within those parameters of late payments. I can be understanding as well about a late payment, but it is always courteous to let someone know what’s up if that’s the case.
Like I said in my post - I have never wanted to be reliant on this child support for a large portion of our important bills, but that is still what has happened for nearly every year since 2002. I realize that by being open about this, our financial hardships, I run the risk of being disagreed with, and that’s okay.
My ex tried to leave the country when he left us, and instead settled on living in Colorado, with the girl he left me for (we live in Michigan). It has been consistently difficult to reach him over the years, and it was only last year that he expressed any desire at all to see his kids. He has seen them twice in the span of a year, and called them three times. I say this not to prove my point, but to let you judge for yourself whether or not you think I am acting badly by withholding contact until he can be more consistent.
I receive child support for Little Man, and I am fortunate that his dad seems to keep a job, because his is garnished and usually I receive payments around the same time. They broke mine down into weely payments without informing me, and the first time I got a check for a quarter of the amount I usually got, I got a little scared. I was depending on the whole months payment, which I had received up til then. I finally figured it out on my own that they had changed it to four weekly payments a month.
About your ex seeing your kids. I understand. I would actually LOVE my son’s father to see his son, but he has only seen him once, when he was around 4 months old, the day he took the DNA samples. I have sent him pictures, and letters and given him phone numbers, all without any responses from him. I have talked to him once in the last 3 years, and he didn’t even ask how his son was. He is the one losing out.
My Ex had a stroke 10 months ago and is disabled now, so I have no idea what will happen with my back child support for my now grown son. I can tell you, I use to go through similar with the late payments and I to ended up getting an attachment to his check so it comes right out of his check. If he pays you 100 dollars a week and he got sick and only worked 2 days.. you still get yours. I like it much better. I’m going to have to call the court house though to find out how I’ll get the rest of what is owed me now that he’s disabled.
Why don’t YOU get a job, support your own children and stop banking on a check from the sperm donor to do it for you!
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, and I am a married woman (who doesn’t get child support from my ex-because he fails to pay it) and married to a man who pays way to much to his selfish ex who goes out and buys motorcycles and game systems with it. It’s not YOUR money anyway-it’s for your kids.
Why is it that you get to demand something from your ex, when you chose to keep your children with you, you chose to have them in the first place. You made some important choices, so back them up and support what you chose to make/keep!
@Kim, I do have a job, thanks for the suggestion. And as I said in the blog post, which you would have noticed if you had bothered to read it - I don’t WANT to rely on his support, but unfortunately I have had to.
What I do with the money, oh selfish person that I am, is PAY THE BILLS. The electric bill, the car insurance, the rent, and so on. Your insinuation that since your husband’s ex is selfish, therefore so am I (and, by inference, so are all ex-wives), is ridiculous in the extreme, not to mention insulting.
My ex ran off and did not want to stay here. He wanted to make sure that all he had to do was pay support. And yes, I did choose to have them. I had them with a man that I had no idea was going to decide he didn’t like us anymore and would rather leave us forever than stay where he was.
Thanks for your sensitivity. Maybe next time you feel like hollering at someone because your husband’s ex-wife is a selfish idiot, you’ll find somewhere else to do it.
@Kim. Wow You have a lot of nerve. You’re right she didn’t make them by herself so why shouldn’t she expect to receive help for the children THEY, not she but THEY made together. Regardless if she has a job or not, she has a job of taking care of the kids and her family every day. THAT is a job and as a one time single mother who also didn’t get paid support that required me to work 3 jobs and miss a few years of spending time with my kids and watching them grow, you have a lot of nerve.
She also has a husband who is not the father who is helping to support her children so I’m sorry. Her slacker ex should pay and pay on time. Stop defending these deadbeats and letting them off the hook, and then try to make it look like Rachael is doing something wrong because she expects to receive support on time.
@Synergi, thanks, lady!
Nice to know you have my back, and I appreciate your comments.
Anytime girl. Stupid comments like Kim’s (that’s my name by the way) really irk me. It’s not just you who struggle but its your kids that struggle and go without too and these men don’t seem to care.
My advice to you is try and get wage garnishment, then you no longer have to deal with him or his late payments. It worked wonders for me.
hi everyone!! my name is yumi and im a filipina. my ex husband is american and he is 18 years older than me and when we get devorced 2005 i dont know what my rights. we are married for almost 5 years and i dont get nothing from our stuff like things in the house and our car .i get nothing but my clothes and shoes. i was too young that time and i just let him to have everything.but my problem is we have son. and when we get devorced we dont put on paper about who supposed to have the child and theirs no paper about child support either. my son is with me since he was born and its been 4 years now. but i always fight for his child support. yes he give me child support every month and its always delay and sometime if he forget about it he will give me later.i ask him why he dont put the child support like an allotment so he won’t worry about it all the time. but he get mad and tell me that im lucky coz i still have contack and support from my child father. he said in united state most father of your son when you get devorced they leave you and the child hanging.Additionally, once you are remarried, that brings the percentage of support from the father even lower. and i dont know what to do.
my son now is going to daycare so i can find a job but the daycare cost is so expensive and i cant afford it and i also dont want to depend on my husband right now cos we have our own 2 years old son too. so please if any body can help me about this… i really apreciated.