Kelly Phillips Erb is a mother of three children - though she’s still trying to figure out how that happened. A tax attorney and blogger, she blogs at taxgirl.com. You can read more about Kelly on the contributors page. Catch the rest of Kelly’s posts here.
My friends and I have survived a lot of challenges together: being single, grad school, being engaged (and not being engaged), getting married, being pregnant, buying homes… Increasingly, however, it has become apparent to me that there is one challenge that we may not survive together: parenthood.
I used to have a very clear picture in my head of what I thought being a mom would be like. In that picture, there were a lot of lattes and kids playing in parks while moms in cute twin sets looked on. There were play dates and sleep-overs and holiday parties that went off without a hitch. More importantly, in my minds eye, the friends of my children would become best friends themselves and we would all live happily ever after.
Yeah, maybe a little idealistic. But I figured something close, right?
Unfortunately, life kind of got in the way of my dream. Yes, there are play dates and trips to the library and holiday parties.
But there are also incompatible schedules, different priorities, wildly disparate parenting styles and unexpected life events. Little by little, our own lives have crept in and “stolen” those moments away from us.
It was subtle at first… missing a play date because the new baby needed a nap. Then, not making trips to the library because it interfered with the one episode of Backyardigans that one child always wanted to watch. And eventually, staying home to play because the new water table in the back was loads more fun than the climber at the park.
And then it grew more obvious… we chose different preschools for our children and then different elementary schools. Parties became more awkward because cake and playing in the yard didn’t cut it anymore - our friends were scheduling mobile zoos and guest appearances by Elmo and other characters. We began going to different pediatricians, dentists and eye doctors. Dance lessons, swim clubs and league sports drove a further wedge into our already complicated lives.
None of these choices were about separation. The choices were ostensibly about the children - choosing what worked for the children. It just became clear as we each scurried to pick was was “best” for our children that those choices were taking us down different paths.
No matter how different our tastes in shoes or men or drinks, we could always find common ground. But now, when standing on the playground, we search to find things to talk about. It is painful.
Even more painful are the wedges between groups of friends. There are clearly divisions now, even cliques, as between my friends who send their children to private school versus those that do not, those that participate in league sports versus those that don’t do sports at all… Whereas before we could always come together with a good vodka-something on any given day to chat about the latest episodes of American Idol or complain about our husbands, the chatter has now given way to petty commentary about other parenting styles, children’s wardrobes and school choice.
I thought that I would largely be able to avoid that kind of talk - it is not my style and if I have learned anything as a middle child, it’s how to be neutral. But I have found it impossible to escape.
I’ve even found that some of this pettiness is aimed at me. I don’t wear expensive clothes or shoes, my family has one car (a Subaru, nothing flashy) and we live in a modest home in the City. Yet, I have been the target of barbs about sending my daughter to private school (for the record, she’s entering public school next year), taking my kids to dance class, having a room in my house reserved for crafts and more biting, choosing to work mostly from home. In a recent conversation, my one friend turned and said, “But Kelly, you’re lucky because you don’t have to work.”
I do work, thank you very much. A lot. Don’t get me started (that’s another post for another time).
And that’s not what bothered me. What bothered me is that my habits, my choices and my spending patterns are on display as never before - simply because I’m a parent. Before children, my friends would drop $400 on a pair of shoes and not flinch while I plodded along in my Payless shoes without batting an eyelash. Nobody would ever dare mention how much any friend spent on a holiday affair nor how many hours were worked in a week. But kids? They have added a completely different element to our lives. It’s as if, now that we have children, we each have a “Judge me” sticker on our backs.
How did this happen? How did this group of smart, successful, resourceful women turn into judgmental, defensive, resentful mothers?
I’m trying to wrap my head around it.
To be clear, I understand that things change. Life happens. Nothing is static. And I knew that having children would change the dynamics of our groups in ways that I could not imagine.
I just didn’t think it would be like this.
The more things seem to change, the more things stay the same. Your post is spot on…a topic difficult to broach no matter the circumstances. I feel more isolated as a mother. I know this is partially my doing. Like you, I am not into the gossip scene. I thought Merrick (my 4yo daughter) would bring more people into our lives. Now, I think parenthood has driven many out. It is like being under a microscope 24 hours/7x week! Especially now…my divorce is final this week…you would think I had the plague and another family could catch it. My expenses are now further exploited. How could I buy a new pair of shoes or go on a holiday as a single parent? What happened to the concept of “it takes a village?”
Great post. I wonder if we would drift apart anyway and the children are just the means, but I do understand what you mean about the judgment part. It seems that no-one ever is happy with someone else’s choices.
I did drift away from a few friends , supposedly because our parenting styles differed as did our priorities, but that doesn’t have to happen. I have a friend who I have been friends with since we met in college. We live incredibly different lives with outwardly very different priorities. But, deep down, our priorities are our children (who are late teens and young adults now).
She got married at 21, I did at 24. I had my first child at 26, she didn’t until 28. Our parenting styles are very, very different. The way we choose to live our lives were very different. I chose preschool and activities for my little gang, she didn’t. She chose never to leave her children with sitters, I did. And so on.
But, despite all our differences and living in different parts of the city, we remain very close, sometimes speaking every day, sometimes just once a week.
In other words, I don’t know. I really don’t know if it’s the kids or if that’s just a way to justify drifting apart.
Marijke
http://www.wombwithin.com
Great post. As I was reading it, I couldn’t help but think about deep insecurity. Even if they don’t voice it, or even admit it’s there, I think most parents are scared a good bit of the time. Scared that we’re not parenting “right”, and that we’re going to completely screw up our kids. I wonder if a lot of the comments and snarkiness come from all of us being scared that we’re doing it wrong and someone else who is making different choices is doing it right? Or they’re all just mean. I bet it’s one of the two.
Sherry
http://prsanantonio.blogspot.com/
Where I live the mothers are very, very judgmental and quite cliquey. Everything from school choice to swim team choice (we have several from which to choose) are scrutinized. Parents whose children swim on the public team instead of the private team are looked down upon and considered poor, whether they actually are or not.
I’ve tried to opt-out of all the drama but it’s hard when ALL the parents buy into it. There are cliques and parents are identified as “friends of so-and-so.” Parents without a clique flounder and usually transfer out of our school area. It’s crazy.
On the other hand, I have very good friends whose parenting styles are divergent from my own but none of those people even live in the same state as I do. They are friends I have known 10+ years from when our kids were smaller and life seemed uncomplicated.
As my husband and I start planning to have kids, it’s real-world blog posts like this that help us understand what issues we may be confronting — and give us things to discuss in our how-will-we-consider-handling-this-issue discussions. I wonder, once you see this separation happening, and you realize that perhaps you don’t want to put more effort into judgment-based relationships, how do you go out and make new friends?
Vargas, congrats on the divorce being final! I say, if anything, you NEED a holiday now!
Marijked, yeah, I expected to drift away a bit but so much in this sad way. Ironically, my friends with children who live further away and I remain fast friends (as with Law School Mom).
Sherry, I think you’re absolutely right.
Law School Mom, AAAAH! You’re here! I’m so glad! I’ve been MIA at lawmummy.com for awhile.
Kellys last blog post..Should You Incorporate?
Karyn,
Gosh, I don’t know. There are lots of “other friends” out there, it’s just tough to watch the ones that you have known for so long drift away after years and years (my one good friend and I have been friends for 14 years). But I wouldn’t parent any differently to keep those friends. The only alternative really is to move on, I guess.
Kellys last blog post..The $20 million “Oops!”
I agree with every single word of this post, Kelly - I’ve been thinking the exact same thing lately. It never occurred to me that I’d be so much closer to my “far away” friends than I am to my “close” friends, but it’s true. I think I have the answer for this, at least in my life:
With the far away friends, the focus is still on US, not our kids. With the “close” friends, we naturally try to include our children in everything, which takes the focus on what really made us friends in the first place - our common bonds. The thing about parenthood is that it’s usually 2 people making the decisions, so even if friends do agree on parenting issues, a spouse might not, therefore driving a wedge into things.
It’s just so COMPLICATED. That’s why I often turn to my far away friends and just enjoy the pure friendship that we enjoy - we can’t hold competitions between our kids because there really isn’t anything to compare. We just talk - and when we get together we really cherish it because we made such a big effort to do so. It’s amazing how little I see some of my ‘close’ friends now due to schedules and such………
Ok, officially WAY too long for a comment - sorry
At least you know now that I agree with you!
I just recently retired from teaching and as I look back at all the changes in my life and realize that many changes were really great happenings, even though at the time, they felt so traumatic. It was really hard to see myself grow away and apart from some of my friends but that is what growing up is all about. Hang in there. Years from now it won’t all feel so bad.
Pats last blog post..To Tell or Not to Tell