Comments on: Nothing Ever Stays the Same. And That Sucks. http://thismommygig.org/2008/07/07/nothing-ever-stays-the-same-and-that-sucks/ Wed, 07 Jan 2009 01:38:39 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.6.3 By: Pat http://thismommygig.org/2008/07/07/nothing-ever-stays-the-same-and-that-sucks/#comment-875 Pat Tue, 08 Jul 2008 18:16:50 +0000 http://thismommygig.org/?p=291#comment-875 I just recently retired from teaching and as I look back at all the changes in my life and realize that many changes were really great happenings, even though at the time, they felt so traumatic. It was really hard to see myself grow away and apart from some of my friends but that is what growing up is all about. Hang in there. Years from now it won't all feel so bad. Pats last blog post..<a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/SuccessfulTeaching/~3/329687102/to-tell-or-not-to-tell.html" rel="nofollow">To Tell or Not to Tell</a> I just recently retired from teaching and as I look back at all the changes in my life and realize that many changes were really great happenings, even though at the time, they felt so traumatic. It was really hard to see myself grow away and apart from some of my friends but that is what growing up is all about. Hang in there. Years from now it won’t all feel so bad.

Pats last blog post..To Tell or Not to Tell

]]> By: Kate http://thismommygig.org/2008/07/07/nothing-ever-stays-the-same-and-that-sucks/#comment-855 Kate Tue, 08 Jul 2008 01:42:55 +0000 http://thismommygig.org/?p=291#comment-855 I agree with every single word of this post, Kelly - I've been thinking the exact same thing lately. It never occurred to me that I'd be so much closer to my "far away" friends than I am to my "close" friends, but it's true. I think I have the answer for this, at least in my life: With the far away friends, the focus is still on US, not our kids. With the "close" friends, we naturally try to include our children in everything, which takes the focus on what really made us friends in the first place - our common bonds. The thing about parenthood is that it's usually 2 people making the decisions, so even if friends do agree on parenting issues, a spouse might not, therefore driving a wedge into things. It's just so COMPLICATED. That's why I often turn to my far away friends and just enjoy the pure friendship that we enjoy - we can't hold competitions between our kids because there really isn't anything to compare. We just talk - and when we get together we really cherish it because we made such a big effort to do so. It's amazing how little I see some of my 'close' friends now due to schedules and such......... Ok, officially WAY too long for a comment - sorry :-) At least you know now that I agree with you! I agree with every single word of this post, Kelly - I’ve been thinking the exact same thing lately. It never occurred to me that I’d be so much closer to my “far away” friends than I am to my “close” friends, but it’s true. I think I have the answer for this, at least in my life:

With the far away friends, the focus is still on US, not our kids. With the “close” friends, we naturally try to include our children in everything, which takes the focus on what really made us friends in the first place - our common bonds. The thing about parenthood is that it’s usually 2 people making the decisions, so even if friends do agree on parenting issues, a spouse might not, therefore driving a wedge into things.

It’s just so COMPLICATED. That’s why I often turn to my far away friends and just enjoy the pure friendship that we enjoy - we can’t hold competitions between our kids because there really isn’t anything to compare. We just talk - and when we get together we really cherish it because we made such a big effort to do so. It’s amazing how little I see some of my ‘close’ friends now due to schedules and such………

Ok, officially WAY too long for a comment - sorry :-) At least you know now that I agree with you!

]]> By: Kelly http://thismommygig.org/2008/07/07/nothing-ever-stays-the-same-and-that-sucks/#comment-845 Kelly Mon, 07 Jul 2008 20:56:40 +0000 http://thismommygig.org/?p=291#comment-845 Karyn, Gosh, I don't know. There are lots of "other friends" out there, it's just tough to watch the ones that you have known for so long drift away after years and years (my one good friend and I have been friends for 14 years). But I wouldn't parent any differently to keep those friends. The only alternative really is to move on, I guess. Kellys last blog post..<a href="http://feeds.b5media.com/~r/b5media/Taxgirl/~3/328919773/" rel="nofollow">The $20 million “Oops!”</a> Karyn,
Gosh, I don’t know. There are lots of “other friends” out there, it’s just tough to watch the ones that you have known for so long drift away after years and years (my one good friend and I have been friends for 14 years). But I wouldn’t parent any differently to keep those friends. The only alternative really is to move on, I guess.

Kellys last blog post..The $20 million “Oops!”

]]> By: Kelly http://thismommygig.org/2008/07/07/nothing-ever-stays-the-same-and-that-sucks/#comment-838 Kelly Mon, 07 Jul 2008 13:47:49 +0000 http://thismommygig.org/?p=291#comment-838 Vargas, congrats on the divorce being final! I say, if anything, you NEED a holiday now! ;) Marijked, yeah, I expected to drift away a bit but so much in this sad way. Ironically, my friends with children who live further away and I remain fast friends (as with Law School Mom). Sherry, I think you're absolutely right. Law School Mom, AAAAH! You're here! I'm so glad! I've been MIA at lawmummy.com for awhile. Kellys last blog post..<a href="http://feeds.b5media.com/~r/b5media/Taxgirl/~3/328119569/" rel="nofollow">Should You Incorporate?</a> Vargas, congrats on the divorce being final! I say, if anything, you NEED a holiday now! ;)

Marijked, yeah, I expected to drift away a bit but so much in this sad way. Ironically, my friends with children who live further away and I remain fast friends (as with Law School Mom).

Sherry, I think you’re absolutely right.

Law School Mom, AAAAH! You’re here! I’m so glad! I’ve been MIA at lawmummy.com for awhile.

Kellys last blog post..Should You Incorporate?

]]> By: Karyn http://thismommygig.org/2008/07/07/nothing-ever-stays-the-same-and-that-sucks/#comment-837 Karyn Mon, 07 Jul 2008 13:39:49 +0000 http://thismommygig.org/?p=291#comment-837 As my husband and I start planning to have kids, it's real-world blog posts like this that help us understand what issues we may be confronting -- and give us things to discuss in our how-will-we-consider-handling-this-issue discussions. I wonder, once you see this separation happening, and you realize that perhaps you don't want to put more effort into judgment-based relationships, how do you go out and make new friends? As my husband and I start planning to have kids, it’s real-world blog posts like this that help us understand what issues we may be confronting — and give us things to discuss in our how-will-we-consider-handling-this-issue discussions. I wonder, once you see this separation happening, and you realize that perhaps you don’t want to put more effort into judgment-based relationships, how do you go out and make new friends?

]]> By: lawschoolmom http://thismommygig.org/2008/07/07/nothing-ever-stays-the-same-and-that-sucks/#comment-831 lawschoolmom Mon, 07 Jul 2008 13:25:39 +0000 http://thismommygig.org/?p=291#comment-831 Where I live the mothers are very, very judgmental and quite cliquey. Everything from school choice to swim team choice (we have several from which to choose) are scrutinized. Parents whose children swim on the public team instead of the private team are looked down upon and considered poor, whether they actually are or not. I've tried to opt-out of all the drama but it's hard when ALL the parents buy into it. There are cliques and parents are identified as "friends of so-and-so." Parents without a clique flounder and usually transfer out of our school area. It's crazy. On the other hand, I have very good friends whose parenting styles are divergent from my own but none of those people even live in the same state as I do. They are friends I have known 10+ years from when our kids were smaller and life seemed uncomplicated. Where I live the mothers are very, very judgmental and quite cliquey. Everything from school choice to swim team choice (we have several from which to choose) are scrutinized. Parents whose children swim on the public team instead of the private team are looked down upon and considered poor, whether they actually are or not.

I’ve tried to opt-out of all the drama but it’s hard when ALL the parents buy into it. There are cliques and parents are identified as “friends of so-and-so.” Parents without a clique flounder and usually transfer out of our school area. It’s crazy.

On the other hand, I have very good friends whose parenting styles are divergent from my own but none of those people even live in the same state as I do. They are friends I have known 10+ years from when our kids were smaller and life seemed uncomplicated.

]]> By: Sherry http://thismommygig.org/2008/07/07/nothing-ever-stays-the-same-and-that-sucks/#comment-830 Sherry Mon, 07 Jul 2008 13:25:06 +0000 http://thismommygig.org/?p=291#comment-830 Great post. As I was reading it, I couldn't help but think about deep insecurity. Even if they don't voice it, or even admit it's there, I think most parents are scared a good bit of the time. Scared that we're not parenting "right", and that we're going to completely screw up our kids. I wonder if a lot of the comments and snarkiness come from all of us being scared that we're doing it wrong and someone else who is making different choices is doing it right? Or they're all just mean. I bet it's one of the two. :) Sherry http://prsanantonio.blogspot.com/ Great post. As I was reading it, I couldn’t help but think about deep insecurity. Even if they don’t voice it, or even admit it’s there, I think most parents are scared a good bit of the time. Scared that we’re not parenting “right”, and that we’re going to completely screw up our kids. I wonder if a lot of the comments and snarkiness come from all of us being scared that we’re doing it wrong and someone else who is making different choices is doing it right? Or they’re all just mean. I bet it’s one of the two. :)

Sherry
http://prsanantonio.blogspot.com/

]]> By: Marijke http://thismommygig.org/2008/07/07/nothing-ever-stays-the-same-and-that-sucks/#comment-829 Marijke Mon, 07 Jul 2008 12:54:14 +0000 http://thismommygig.org/?p=291#comment-829 Great post. I wonder if we would drift apart anyway and the children are just the means, but I do understand what you mean about the judgment part. It seems that no-one ever is happy with someone else's choices. I did drift away from a few friends , supposedly because our parenting styles differed as did our priorities, but that doesn't have to happen. I have a friend who I have been friends with since we met in college. We live incredibly different lives with outwardly very different priorities. But, deep down, our priorities are our children (who are late teens and young adults now). She got married at 21, I did at 24. I had my first child at 26, she didn't until 28. Our parenting styles are very, very different. The way we choose to live our lives were very different. I chose preschool and activities for my little gang, she didn't. She chose never to leave her children with sitters, I did. And so on. But, despite all our differences and living in different parts of the city, we remain very close, sometimes speaking every day, sometimes just once a week. In other words, I don't know. I really don't know if it's the kids or if that's just a way to justify drifting apart. Marijke www.wombwithin.com Great post. I wonder if we would drift apart anyway and the children are just the means, but I do understand what you mean about the judgment part. It seems that no-one ever is happy with someone else’s choices.

I did drift away from a few friends , supposedly because our parenting styles differed as did our priorities, but that doesn’t have to happen. I have a friend who I have been friends with since we met in college. We live incredibly different lives with outwardly very different priorities. But, deep down, our priorities are our children (who are late teens and young adults now).

She got married at 21, I did at 24. I had my first child at 26, she didn’t until 28. Our parenting styles are very, very different. The way we choose to live our lives were very different. I chose preschool and activities for my little gang, she didn’t. She chose never to leave her children with sitters, I did. And so on.

But, despite all our differences and living in different parts of the city, we remain very close, sometimes speaking every day, sometimes just once a week.

In other words, I don’t know. I really don’t know if it’s the kids or if that’s just a way to justify drifting apart.

Marijke
http://www.wombwithin.com

]]> By: Lauren Vargas http://thismommygig.org/2008/07/07/nothing-ever-stays-the-same-and-that-sucks/#comment-828 Lauren Vargas Mon, 07 Jul 2008 12:29:16 +0000 http://thismommygig.org/?p=291#comment-828 The more things seem to change, the more things stay the same. Your post is spot on...a topic difficult to broach no matter the circumstances. I feel more isolated as a mother. I know this is partially my doing. Like you, I am not into the gossip scene. I thought Merrick (my 4yo daughter) would bring more people into our lives. Now, I think parenthood has driven many out. It is like being under a microscope 24 hours/7x week! Especially now...my divorce is final this week...you would think I had the plague and another family could catch it. My expenses are now further exploited. How could I buy a new pair of shoes or go on a holiday as a single parent? What happened to the concept of "it takes a village?" The more things seem to change, the more things stay the same. Your post is spot on…a topic difficult to broach no matter the circumstances. I feel more isolated as a mother. I know this is partially my doing. Like you, I am not into the gossip scene. I thought Merrick (my 4yo daughter) would bring more people into our lives. Now, I think parenthood has driven many out. It is like being under a microscope 24 hours/7x week! Especially now…my divorce is final this week…you would think I had the plague and another family could catch it. My expenses are now further exploited. How could I buy a new pair of shoes or go on a holiday as a single parent? What happened to the concept of “it takes a village?”

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