Sometimes the choice of daycare is hard. Not the choice of daycare facility, because that’s an entirely different conversation, but having to use daycare at all.

Difficult Choices

I’m reminded this week, of that difficult choice, as my friend goes back to work and leaves her new baby. She’s a first-time mom, and wants to extend her materinity leave, but doesn’t have the financial resources to do it. She’s lucky, though, and gets to leave her daughter with her in laws (yes, she really is lucky). The difficult part is that my friend’s mother just died, and she ran a home daycare forever. She helped raise dozens of children, and was supposed to help with her new grandbaby. My friend and her husband had the great option of having his parents take care of their daughter, but it “should” have been my friend’s mom doing it.

Making the Call

I can distinctly remember the feeling when I realized that I needed to find daycare for my son. It felt like I was falling down a very deep hole. Nicholas’ Daddy Mark was a stay-at-home dad. He had been taking care of N, and that was supposed to be his role until N went to school. Instead, I had to find a place or a person to take care of our boy. Even as Mark lay in a coma, and knowing from the doctors that the outlook was poor, I told myself it was just until Mark got better and stronger and could resume taking care of our son.

I called the first daycare for an appointment from Mark’s hospital room. I sat and held Mark’s hand while I talked with the facility. I guess I wanted to feel like he was part of the decision, and not just a victim of circumstance. It was one of the hardest calls I’ve ever made. Making that call was admitting that Mark might never come home. Might never leave that room, that bed.

We were lucky, and found a wonderful woman who stayed with N in our apartment every day. She was caring, funny, and loved Nicholas. But, she wasn’t his Daddy. And N wasn’t “supposed” to be taken care of by anyone but Mark.

I’ve never understood the judgement that some people dish out because others have children in daycare. That judgement is especially confusing to me because you may never know *why* someone has their child there and not at home where they are “supposed” to be. Sometimes the choice of daycare isn’t much of a choice after all.

Sherry Carr Deer is a Mommy to Nicholas who just turned 3, fiance to William, the widow of Mark, and a PR professional at a non-profit hospital. You can read more of her posts here