Have you ever been in the midst of life as you know it, and all of a sudden, something about your normal, everyday life rubs you the wrong way? This happened to me the other day when I came to the realization that, when my husband, I and our two boys are all at home, it is automatically assumed that I am the primary person responsible for the children.
If my husband has to go off to do work, run an errand or catch a game he’s been looking forward to on TV, he’ll simply say, “I have to go…,” and be on his way. If I have something that I want to do or need to accomplish that is not child-related, then there is the understanding that I need to give him notice at least a few hours (or even a day) in advance. Because of this, I usually end up putting extra work hours in at night after the boys are in bed, rather than “inconveniencing” my husband when the boys are awake.
I brought this observation to my husband’s attention the other night, and how did he respond when I asked why it was that I had to give him advanced warning while he could go off and do work, run an errand or watch the game at the drop of a hat? He said, “… because you’re the woman.”
Now, before all the women reading this get too red in the face with anger (because I would too), just a couple days before this conversation – when we were talking about ridding our yard of leaves – he tried to propose that I do it. When he asked me why it’s just assumed he’ll do it, sick and tired of having to answer the question of “Why?” all day to my two young boys, I simply said, “Because you’re the man.” Touché.
When all is said and done, this really is not an “I hate my husband” post or anything even remotely close to it. It’s not entirely his fault I’ve fallen into the role of primary caregiver when we’re all at home, as well as the primary bread winner (at least while he finishes up his PhD). In fact, I’m sure, subconsciously, I played a big part in ensuring things are just as they are. I simply feel like, now, I’m living my life each day with eyes wide open – realizing the crucial role I play as mother, wife and professional, and how working mothers truly are the most talented jugglers of them all.
Kristen Keller lives in New Jersey with her two young boys, husband and two dogs. In an effort to obtain the perfect work-life balance, Kristen works part-time out of her home office as an independent public relations consultant and spends the rest of her time striving to give her children the same wonderful childhood experience she had. Click here to check out Kristen’s other posts on This Mommy Gig.
He was just waiting for an opportunity to say it back to you
Melissa, Multitasking Mamas last blog post..Believing All Along
Dearest KK,
I just sounds like there was too little communication (imagine that!) between you two, i.e. no decision of the roles. If I recall correctly, my wife and I did discuss what was expected from each other, when we were first married. Each of us didn’t have a clue how to make a good marriage in terms of who did what work. From my point of view who now has 2 grown sons, hubby needs to make sure he takes his sons with him to the games, out raking leaves, etc. Those boys are looking for him to lead and how to be a man. They will get their ideas from him, including assumptions about who is supposed to do what.
I did not think this post is a “I hate my husband” post any more than he is going to get on-line and say “I hate my wife.” It’s just a way to vent and get some understanding. Sometimes people just need to vent; just to let off the steam. I am not sure if you are doing this exactly, but that’s my story and I am sticking to it.
Sing it sister!
This is often one of my pet peeves, so don’t feel alone in the world.
My husband and I, too, talked about roles and responsibilities and equality in parental duties before I ever stopped taking the pill; but, somehow, six years later, I’ve slipped into playing the same role my working mother did that for so long made me think I would never have children.
Which means he runs errands when he wants, goes out to the movies or to see a band with his buddies when he wants, and I have make a special request for two hours to go get my hair done. :-p
Don’t get me wrong either. My husband does way more around the house and is a much more involved parent than my father was, and I love him for that. Also, I happily leave all the “manly” lawn mowing to him.
But, you know, it sure would be nice if we’d actually reached that point where we could all be beyond being “the woman” or “the man”, right?
Laura P Thomass last blog post..Because You’re the Woman
One of these days I am going to just walk out the door with no warning and say “See ya, I am going out”. Probably, my husband would be fine with it - I wonder if that will irritate me more… hee.
Jen
Glad to see some people are enjoying this post
While communication is an area my husband and I could certainly work on, for the most part I think we do a pretty good job. But I really don’t think we could have determined roles we would have when children were in our lives prior to having children. Before having kids, I had NO idea what to expect - despite the loads of advice given to me by friends and family in preparation; nothing quite fully prepares you for what life has in store for you until you actually have children and get to experience your new life first-hand.
I guess what gets me is that I feel like my work and free time should be as important as my husband’s and not something I should have to ask for in advance.
I think I’ll try Jen’s approach and just walk out the door one day and see what happens. Okay, not really… but it would be a fun experiment
I didn’t take this as an I-hate-my-spouse post at all! More of a I-created-my-situation-and-have-decided-to-be-OK-with-it type of post. I hear what you’re saying though, I’d rather be purposeful with my role(s) rather than just falling into them by default.
The hubs and I were pretty 50/50 in our caretaker roles, by choice and by nature. But that was turned a bit upside down 2 weeks ago when my husband, through mutual decision, officially became stay-at-home-dad. He now does the majority of the laundry, vacuums, takes care of our son during the day…and then gives me time at night to blog and cruise around the internet (because if he doesn’t, I turn cranky and feel unconnected).
All of a sudden, we had to re-evaluate and decide what was OK and not all over again! It was a good gut check.
Jess Sanderss last blog post..What is RIGHT in your life?