Recently, watching my daughter thumb through a new catalog from a local toy store, I noticed small icons at the bottom of each product description. It turns out that they are “ExpressCodes,” or ratings that indicate “how the product can assist in reaching your child’s developmental milestones.”
Yeah, seriously: A basketball, for example, is called out for propelling a kid toward the milestone of Eye/Hand Coordination (”hands manipulating objects, things fitting together, coordination”) and Gross Motor (”physical play, running, throwing, jumping”). A set of plastic dinosaurs promote Eye/Hand along with Fine Motor (”grasping, manipulating, writing, drawing”), Socialization (”cooperative play, making friends, sharing”), and Creative Expression (”imaginative play, artistic ability”).
Are codes in a toy catalog a big deal? No, in the grand scheme of life, they’re barely a blip.
But they feed into a whole competitive-parenting groundswell of doing the right things for kids at the right time, else they be marginalized for life. After all, we live in an age when parents typically white-knuckle getting their kids into the right school—from preschool on up. I’m not sure whether marketers need to lighten up on parents, or parents need to lighten up on themselves. But either way, someone has to lighten up on childhood.
As Caroline flipped through the pages, both of us couldn’t help but smirk a little at the idea of a kite or a jump rope being anything other than… well, toys.
Don’t get me wrong. I like the ethics of the local store franchise owner, who explained to my daughter a few months ago that he took Webkinz charms off his store’s shelves because their maker couldn’t ascertain whether they were lead-free. And I like the toys he sells.
But the idea of categorizing toys into buckets for “developmental milestones” irks me. On the surface, it’s the sort of inane thing that ridiculously assigns the “Make Up Star Station” three icons (Fine Motor, Visual Perception, Eye/Hand Coordination).
But at its core it’s a notion that every childhood joy is an opportunity to groom children for success. Toys that were once just kites and balls and dress-up games are now freighted with a whole ‘nuther imperative. It’s a lot of pressure on parents to provide the “right” toy. Ultimately, it places a lot of pressure on kids, too.
“Parenting has become the most competitive sport in America,” says Alvin Rosenfeld, a child psychiatrist and co-author of The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap. “It robs children of their childhood.”
When my oldest son was four months old, I remember feeling bested by another mother I met waiting at the pediatrician’s office with her one-year-old. She cooed in a perfunctory manner at Evan’s doe eyes peering up at her from beneath his blanket, then said, “Well, he sure is tiny! My son has been in the 90th percentile for height and weight since he was that age!”
Later, when I relayed this story to a wizened friend who’d already had four kids of her own, she let out a sharp laugh.
“Ha!” she barked. “So now you know: Parenting is a competitive sport.”
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So what do you think? Does parenting sometimes feel to you like an increasingly competitive sport? Or will my own kids be the only unmotivated slackers of their generation? Leave your thoughts below.
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Ann Handley heads up content at MarketingProfs and also writes her acclaimed personal blog, A n n a r c h y. It’s really fun to follow her on Twitter.
So right! It IS a competitive sport. At the open house last month (kidlette is in preK) I overheard three other mothers speculating about what hidden meaning may be behind the color selection of child’s primary group and speculation as to number of kids per group. Does having a child being in a group of three mean the kid is gifted and not need extra supervision or perhaps does it really mean they need more one-to-one time with teacher. OMG!
Despite marketers and other parents, I have realized I need to learn how to play again…
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My youngest is in her first year of soccer, her first year of dance, and has just started to be a “competitive” reader in her school’s reading program. Aye Carumba! Some of the parents are soooo caught up in their child’s perceived achievements, or lack thereof, that sometimes I just smile, nod my head, and walk away. I know my child is a winner, not because there are “losers” and “winners” but because she just has fun. That’s what childhood is about. Not keeping score. As long as she’s having fun, I could not care any less about how the stats measure up! There’s plenty of time later in her life where she’ll be expected to show her “worth.” The age of 6…she doesn’t need to keep score, and neither do I!
Cheers!
Zoey
I agree with you completely. Unfortunately I believe that many parents feel a pressure to “win” the parenting game. It’s an easy trap to fall into and it takes a conscious effort to avoid it. Perhaps we need to take a step back and consider just what kind of “success” this brings our children. Frankly, we all need to learn how to “lose” gracefully. Sometimes losing isn’t a bad thing. So much of our culture is focused on rewarding achievement that we forgot what incredible character lessons we learn from seeing someone else take first place. If a child is praised and recognized all the time for doing something as small as reaching a “motor skill milestone” how will they ever be prepared to deal with the many challenges of adulthood that bring absolutely no recognition even when we do them well? The long term consequences of the constant pursuit of winning are detrimental not only to us as parents, but to our children as well. Great post Ann - I needed this reminder!
in areas where elementary education is notoriously bad (like here in New Orleans), I can understand parents being more tuned-in to early childhood development. That said, a basketball is a basketball.
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Don’t believe the hype or those behavior/development tags. This trend is so much more about the insecurities of the parents than having any benefits for the kids. I have faith that my kid is picking up enough life skills without having the “owners manual” to remind us what the importance is and other generalized benchmarks. I’d rather focus on saluting my guys accomplishments/pointing out room for improvement and relying on common sense rather than comparing notes with other parents (or, sorry, on parenting blogs).
Over-scheduling might be another topic for you and the site. Given that my guy is at his school almost 60 hours a week, fits in hours of karate, soccer, Hebrew school/Sunday school, I’m relieved that he occasionally wants to chill out in front of a video game or TV or have some unstructured play on his own.
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Love the thoughts, Ann. We certainly see it happening at the school level, too.
Used to be that high schoolers were competing for class rank, but now moms and dads are worried that their first graders are getting lower grades on coloring inside the lines than the other kids.
When we started SchoolFamily.com (www.schoolfamily.com), the mantra was to try and serve “Goldilocks Parents”. What’s that? It’s the middle between the completely uninvolved parent and the now-famous Helicopter Parent (hovers around at all times), trying to get the balance “just right”.
Thanks for the comments, all. I’m gratified I’m not alone here. At least, my kids won’t be alone on the Slacker Track in middle school. ; )
@Adam Zand I agree - these kind of things ARE most about the parents than about the kids. Which is why I think we need to lighten up.
@Tim Sullivan - LOVE the moniker “Goldilocks parents.”
@Lauren Vargass - I have overheard those conversations, too> Once, at my son’s preschool, one Mom complained to another that she feared her son had “motivational problems” because he still peed the bed sometimes at night. Poor kid. And poor Mom, too.
Ann,
You are right on! I never realized this whole world of competitive parenting (and mom cliques - but that’s another post) until I became one. The criticism happens everywhere and at times, with total strangers. I was more sensitive to it with my first daughter, but now with my second daughter, I am immune to the birthday party banter when it comes to this topic.
I also think there is pressure for overscheduling kids with activities and that is not healthy. I work full time and our kids are in daycare/school all day, so when we go home, we play, rest and be a family. I waited to sign up my oldest daughter for a sport until she was 4 and even that seemed young. It’s an epidemic and I don’t know how we can make it better. I just know that our girls are having a great childhood and I am enjoying it right there with them.
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Yay, so glad you joined the ranks here, Ann!
My children are still toddlers, but the competitiveness starts so young and after an initial freak-out trying to join in, I’ve completely taken us out of the game by just ignoring it all
One of my main goals as a parent is to just let my kids be kids and I’m going to seriously resist joining a ton of stuff and filling up all of the free time in an attempt to win the “most-involved” badge.
I observed an interesting scene yesterday while substitute teaching in 1st grade that showed a glimpse of the ongoing competitiveness of kids in our culture……….the kids were reading during Self-Sustained Reading time and they’re all leveled, reading at an A, B, C, etc level. I called a student up to read individually to me and he said something about not being able to find an “A” book. Well, of course, some other student giggled to another that so-and-so was still at the “A” level……..GRRRRR! The only reason kids think that they have the right to ridicule someone for reading at a lower level is because parents & teachers ASSIGN those levels and reward for basic progress. I honestly don’t look forward to my kids entering school for this precise reason……..I like our “let kids be kids” attitude at home and wish I could protect my kiddos from that competitive vibe!
Thanks again for the great post!
I always wonder how much those moms can really be enjoying their children. Can they get any fun out of just playing with them or watching them color, or do they worry the whole time that their kids are doing it “right”?
Childhood is the only time in your life when laying in the grass and looking for shapes in the clouds is really encouraged, it’s a shame we don’t always just let that happen.
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I’m a parent, a marketer and taught preschool for 5 years. Everything you wrote Ann is true. Parents would consistently ask me how their children compared to the other children…this was preschool. Fortunately, I taught and was teacher-educated in the Montessori philosophy which is built on non-competitive approaches to learning and living. It also emphasizes (strongly) that children all learn in different styles and at different rates. It was always odd to me that the parents of the school did everything they could to get their children into this school (because it was (is) the best in the area) yet most didn’t truly understand the Montessori philosophy or want to.
I believe the competitive nature of parents is exactly like their own natural competitiveness. Becoming a parent doesn’t change how they wish to compete…it becomes another tool for them to use in the fight to the top!