Is It Okay for an 11-Year-Old to Be on Facebook?
Oct 10th, 2008 by Ann Handley
“Some of my friends are on Facebook,” my daughter told me the other day. We were riding in the car, both facing forward, but I noticed her gauge my reaction with a quick sideways glance. “Anyway,” said Caroline, who is 11 going on 41, “I don’t think it’s appropriate.”
Later, I checked out the Facebook profiles of a few names she mentioned, friends who — like Caroline — just started middle school. Because Facebook doesn’t allow users under age 13 who aren’t in high school to set up a profile, the sixth-graders lied about their ages and about what school they attend. I noticed quite a number of them –- maybe 30 or 40 that I recognized. I noticed the profile of one girl’s mother, too, networked with all of those kids.
As I’ve written in the past, social networking is definitely trending younger and younger. And it’s occasionally an awkward place to network – when I bump into Caroline’s almost 17-year-old brother there, I always politely turn aside like I didn’t actually see him, sort of like if I accidentally walked in on him in the bathroom. It’s just that weird for us to be Facebook “friends.”
Generally, I think it’s fascinating to observe the very definition of a “social circle” shifting and expanding and the notion of “play” expanding as our kids, tweens and teens participate in Runescape, or Club Penguin, or Webkinz.
But at the same time, it gnaws at me to see 11-year-olds on Facebook, using their actual photos, with their actual identities. Setting aside the dishonesty that’s required to open an account for a minute –- and yes, that bugs me — I worry about them exposing too much of themselves online before they can really grasp the implications of it.
Do I want them to start a digital trail before they’ve really had a sense of understanding what’s appropriate to share, and what’s not, what’s okay to talk about, and what’s not? No matter how much I trust my kids, Facebook remains a public forum with very public repercussions. And being a parent for almost 17 years, I’ve learned not to be too surprised when kids have a giant lapse of judgment. Things happen.
Given that my own digital trail is fairly well-traveled, I realize how odd my position might sound. Maybe I should just relax? I thought. So I asked other people – some parents, some not — what they thought, via the microblogging tool Twitter. Here were their responses to the question:
“Would it bother you to see your 11-year-old on Facebook?”
@matthewbennett: surely it’s really easy for teenagers to get around anyway if they want to - “I was really born in ..mmm, let’s see…1956″ … and given that, should probably just teach them how to use it properly.
@melfi: reverse. it would bother me to see my mom on facebook. facebook has become what AIM was 10 years ago for kids
@idaho_jamie: No, because I understand FB and would PARENT him/her and monitor. No different then skateboarding, etc.
@MikeDriehorst: Yes, it would — without my permission. Wife & I (mostly her) very, very cautious about exposing any of our kids’ ID online… With openness of soc media - good and evil - it’s not worth exposing our kids to whoever may be lurking.
@sonnygill: Yes. I think at that age, children need to grow and nurture their friends/relationships through face-to-face interaction… Basically, it’s important for kids at that age to grow their relationship skills, not w/a Facebook page, but w/real-life.
@amachina: YES! I have two kids, 10&12. Not allowed on FB, MySpace. I tell them about [internet predators], but they’re too sheltered to get it.
@Jennydecki: No. My three year old knows what Twitter is. They won’t know how to market products/services if they aren’t familiar.
@rockandrollmama: Yes, it would. I shut my 12 yr old down about FB the other day. He doesn’t get the risks, and there’s no reason for it.
@JessicaGottlieb: yes it would. Before we send our kids out we have to prepare them. Play alone in the park first.
@StacieAndrews: Not really - we can’t let social media die with us (like it could) but nurture the next generation of social media-ists
@Nedra: I don’t think an 11 y o has the judgment yet to know what’s appropriate to share on Facebook (not that many 20 yr olds do!). My 10-yo has a blog, but it’s anonymous. Facebook is not anon, and therefore more potential problems re: safety/social issues.
@FiurInformation: 11 y o online in FBook would be OK only like any other online experience at that age — with parental supervision.
@jamesdickey: We absolutely do not allow our 12 or 14-year-old to have facebook/myspace pages. Too risky and very little benefit.
@busymom6: Yes, from the Facebook research I’ve done I think it is a completely social group for anyone underage
@JackLeblond: with proper guidence, I would be OK with it. Both mine were online young, with rules
@NoOneYouKnow: Nope - my 9 y.o. has a job/intern at www.creaturepark.com and email. Why not FB? However, he can’t friend me just yet ;).
@johnheaney: my kids can be on Facebook with conditions: only friends can see profile, I have the password, strict rules on posting
@leah_mullen: Yes it would bother me to see my 10 y o on a social networking site with adults.Amazing Kids! has a great pen pal program.
@DeirdreS: my daughter is now 19 and has been online since age ~10, pre-Facebook. online communications skills are essential today
@GriffinClubMerv: I have an 11 and a 12yo. We wouldn’t allow it. We have a zero tolerance policy on Internet privacy for children.
@mlogan: Yes. I recently found my 9 y o daughter had joined a socnet site. I let her stay, but made her take down pix and personal info
@EllasMom: It would bother me to see any 11 y.o. on facebook. They are too young to understand where the boundaries of privacy exist.
@kirstenewatson: My 12 yr old is on facebook but I am one of his facebook friends - its a rule - 6 months or so and counting - so far ok
@busymom6: Yes, in fact I just was alerted to my 13 yr old having a fb page by my sitter, all hell broke loose around here
@robertlendvai: My 11yr old daughter is on FB. She knows that I look at her postings, chats, etc She’s cool with that.
@jennysoucek FB is like the new AIM, parents didn’t like their kids using AIM with all the weirdos up there, FB could expose them to the same 4 minutes ago
@pdeluca It would not bother me. My 11 y o has a cell phone which we monitor, FB is no different. Plus, we have many relatives on FB. 18 minutes ago
@SusyP I’m nowhere close to being married or having kids, and the idea of an 11 y o on fbook terrifies me and makes me nervous to be a parent.
@Note_to_CMO It would bother me. His blog is private. His LinkedIn page is down.
@chelpixie Yes it bothers me to see my 13 year old on Facebook. It depends on the interactions and I wasn’t comfortable with hers.
@jpickett1968 I saw a picture of my 15 year old, kissing her boyfriend. I wasn’t too happy.
@eugenelee Many of my tech laggard parent friends joined Facebook specifically because their kids were and they wanted to monitor.
As you can see, the responses are all over the board – some say lighten up, some say not in a million years, some say a qualified yes – with plenty of supervision.
My take is that this this isn’t an easy issue. There’s no obvious answer, like there is to “Should I let my kid smoke crack?” But some questions are tougher to answer. Life online, and offline, these days, requires a far more nuanced touch.
So what do you think? How would you feel about letting your underage child on Facebook? Please leave a comment below.
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Ann Handley heads up content at MarketingProfs and also writes her acclaimed personal blog, A n n a r c h y: Subscribe to A n n a r c h y here. It’s really fun to follow her on Twitter.
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Not so sure that 11 year olds can handle all the wall posts and the behind the scenes bullying or talking that goes on..also you should go on as well to see all the pics that they put on.. real insightful.. Most parents have no idea what is going on here so if you are inclined to do this.. stay awake!
Ann - great post!
Chris Brogan recently set up a “Dad” blog that I wrote to as well. http://dadomatic.com is the name and has some great content for the Dads out there.
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Ann,
It’s a tricky thing, isn’t it. To help your kids understand why they can watch you be all over the internet (my daughter googles me when she is bored in study hall) but they can’t be there.
I didn’t let her get a Facebook until she was 14. Same for MySpace. And, I insisted that I know the log in and passwords to both. And I am her friend on both, so I see everything she posts, etc.
Like it or not, they’ll all have digital trails soon enough. Like you, I wanted to wait until she was mature enough to at least recognize when she was in over her head.
Drew
Great post. You worded the question personally so everyone answered in the context of their own children. To generalize a little bit, I think there’s room for the answer, “it depends on the child”. Both of my children were online at an early age, but stuck to age-appropriate web sites. If my youngest wanted onto Facebook before highschool, my first question would be why? We would then talk about the best way to accomplish what she wanted to do.
As it turned out though, she was teased by her class because her FATHER (i.e. me) is on Facebook. Go figure!
Thought-provoking as always, Ann. My kids are in their 20s, so I can’t really contribute in a meaningful way, but I saw your Tweets and wanted to stop by to say hi.
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Hi Ann - I missed responding on Twitter. But I get more words here, anyway
Today its Facebook - when my girls were pre-teens the trend was still toward MySpace. And yes, they lied about their ages. Social networking was totally new territory and very scary. But they figured it out on their own before we knew to tell them - their MySpace and Facebook accounts are private, they use them only to connect with friends they’ve already met in person, and they think my use of Twitter is “stalkerish.” They are more aware of the perils of leaving a digital trail than a lot of 40 year olds I know.
Of course, we have to keep an eye on what our kids are doing, but every person is different. They’re not all ready to drive at 16, either.
It’s better to know your child is on Facebook than to tell your under-13-child no and have the child go on Facebook behind your back. You want to know about this because it’s very important for a parent to explain exactly what should NOT be posted on Facebook or other social media platforms. A child should be made to realize that something an 11-year-old posts on Facebook can be found, for example, by a private school admission officer when that child applies to that private middle or high school and that this something can negatively impact an admission acceptance. (Of course, there will be the problem about lying about the child’s age. That in itself is a good reason for NOT going on Facebook until a child is 13.)
And the message of what a child (even over 13) should NOT put on Facebook should be repeated at regular intervals as well as a parent occasionally checking on the child’s Facebook profile page to make sure that there is no inappropriate content on it.
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Hi Ann,
Can I recommend the next post in a series?
“Should Your Mother-In-Law Be on FaceBook?”
I just got an invite from mine.
Lucky 4 me, she’s cool.
JP
Jaculynn Peterson (JP)s last blog post..15 steps to developing blogger relations (with a capital “R”)
I would have absolutely no problem having my 11 year old on Facebook. Facebook is fun, not scary. Facebook, MySpace, or whatever web site, is not the ‘enemy.’ It’s our responsibility as parents to monitor all that our children do; who they hang with, if they’re acting weird, if they’re ‘hiding’ something. I would educate my child on privacy issues, what to put online, what not to and why. Children and teenagers are not stupid; they can be, however, naive. It is our jobs as parents to not fight the trends and what they and all their friends think is cool; but to monitor, guide and limit their activities. As far as being terrified, I wonder, why? Letting my 17 year old drive is more terrifying than Facebook. Seeing a photo of a 15 year old kissing her boyfriend? Come on! Of course she kisses her boyfriend and she’s probably in love. Again, plastering it for all to see…well, that’s something that should be discussed and decided at home. But teenagers need to express themselves and engage with their friends.
I can’t say it “terrifies” me to let my 11-year-old on Facebook, but I just think she’s a tad young… for Facebook, anyway. Regardless, it’s interesting to see the range of opinion here! Thanks, all.
My son, at 5 years older, is an active social networker… and I don’t restrict him at all.
As Drew says, it’s a tricky thing. And as Bev says, every family and every kid is different. Guess we make the best calls we see, as we sees em.
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I think it is a difficult decision to make for parents, but you have to also ask, whatelse do you allow your 11 yr old to do without you? Are they are allowed to go to the mall, meet friends without you being present, go to friends houses? You can’t be with your children 100% of the time, trying to be will drive you and them mad. Both my daughters are on FB, they live in England, I live in the US, admittedly they are both older, 17 & 20, we have been “friends” for more than two years on FB, they invited me to be a friend. I get to see more of their lives than their mother, who they live with. I think what is more worrying for parents is what do they do with all that extra information that they now have about their children - do you comment or do you respect the trust that your child has shown you? For younger children I would suggest showing them how to work the tool in a safe way, how to use the privacy settings properly, and of course engendering an environment at home where they will invite you to be a friend without you having to make it a “rule”. Also make it clear that their internet activity is being monitored, just as their other behavior is being monitored and for the same reasons, because you care.
p.s. Laughing over Jaculynn’s idea…. “Should Your Mother-In-Law Be on FaceBook?”
That would totally freak me out more than bumping into my kid there!
Ann Handleys last blog post..How to Get Regular Updates of Annarchy
I think that the longer we keep referring to them as kids or children and not “young adults” the longer these issues will keep going.
They dont want to be treated like kids and the more you do the quicker they will be to rebel and do things behind your backs so you arent aware of what they are up to (deception is surely not what you are looking for from them)
Remember the human mind does not process negatives very well. You say “You cannot have a facebook/mypsace account” the mind does not process the word “cannot” and then it happens.
Mike
I have a lot of young cousins online and most of them on Facebook or some other networking sites and I definitely don’t like they idea because they aren’t old enough to get exposed to what they might on these sites.
It’s not about being conservative or paranoid or anything. It is just that there is a right time for everything. I don’t even know how 13 came about being the acceptable age but I would question it too especially since young kids don’t end up having only young kids in their network.
While a lot of people might argue about things like how the online world is just as unsafe as the offline world, there is a difference. Online people are more ‘by themselves’, more alone where are offline you are surrounded by people you know. Also kids today are told/taught about dangers in the physical world but I don’t think anyone educates children about dangers in the virtual world.
I am not happy that I have my mom and aunts on there but it’s more acceptable than seeing my 11-14 year old cousins there.
But really there isn’t much that can be done. Most people (11 year olds included) get what they want if they want it bad enough. The best solutions I think is to educate kids on what the web is, what social networking sites are, how to use them, what the dangers might be, etc.
Having a 3 year old who thinks the tv is “broken” when he has to watch commercials (I heart DVR), I realize that there will be realities that he will grow up with that I never had. Welcome to the next generation. I am not sure I could realistically stop him at 11 from being on the web (because if he’s not online at home with me, he’ll be online at a friend’s house). But here’s what I CAN control: What I teach him about self respect and respect for others, that he is still to be personally accountable and safe in an online environment, and that I will be closely supervising him.
There are things in every generation that make their parents uncomfortable. At one point not long ago it was Elvis Priestly records. We couldn’t stop it then, and I’m not prepared to be the parent trying to stop it now. I can supervise, educate, foster an open relationship with my kid, and hope that in the end he makes the right choices.
Incidentally….I wonder if Facebook has ever considered creating a site for the under-13 set?
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A friend of mine in the privacy space says that there are two risks to individual personal priority. Big Brother is the one we point fingers at. Then, there’s “Little Brother”. Little brother are the things we do to give away our privacy- our network of friends, our thoughts on highly personal matters, our goings-on, and even photographs of our personal moments. And it makes me think, as I raise a one year old and a 17 year old step daughter.
I asked my 17 year old what she thought. She said “Almost all of the kids in my school are on either Facebook or MySpace. I mean, besides texting, that’s how they communicate.” She continued “Sometimes I think I want one but then I think that maybe I don’t want to give away my privacy.” She continued to remark about her questions of whether “friends are really friends” on these types of sites, and asked me whether or not her information could ever be “used to steal my identity”.
My identity is pretty much out there online, but I felt the need to tell her that indeed, there was more risk for someone very publicly “out there”. She said “I mean, I really don’t have anything to hide. I’m just not sure that my life is something I want to share with just anyone.”
That was the day I decided she might be wiser than me in some areas.
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This is one I haven’t faced personally yet, but I’m sure with my kindergartner wow’ing her 20-something babysitter the other night with all the virtual worlds we’ve been exploring that I’ll face it sooner than later.
My experience with the topic now comes via my brother and his family. My oldest nephew who is just now in high school brought the subject to the forefront when he joined and his parents became unhappy with some of the groups he apparently joined. I only found out when I was visiting and discovered that Facebook was blocked.
Apparently, though, he promised to be better about that stuff because it has not only been unblocked from my brother’s house, but now his little brother in Jr. High has joined. Their mom is the parent with an account who keeps tabs on the, which I think is always the key to these sort of parenting issues — parental involvement and responsibility.
When my girl wants to get into more than her virtual worlds and ventures into true soc nets, I’ll probably say OK; but, will definitely keep some tabs on it. Hopefully, we will already have had enough conversations about what you do and don’t share online by that time that I’ll have some confidence in her, too.
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