I was talking with a new friend last week, and during the conversation, she asked me how I tell Nicholas about his Daddy Mark. This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot, pretty much since the moment that Mark died.
Right after Mark died, I was a little manic about memory. I was so afraid I was going to forget everything. Everything about Mark, about our lives together, about his childhood stories, about the few months that he got to have with Nicholas. These thoughts calmed down after a while, but they were really intense in the first several months after Mark’s death.
To answer her question, I told her that I’m scrapbooking about Mark for Nicholas; but mostly, I’m telling him stories about his Daddy Mark.
I don’t want these talks with Nicholas about Mark to be artificial. I want them to be natural and meaningful, I don’t want to sit down to dinner every night and have “story time” about Mark. Instead, I tell him stories about Mark when one of Mark’s favorite songs come on the radio. When Mark’s favorite television show comes on. My favorite stories are when Nicholas makes a face or a gesture that looks like his Daddy Mark. I jump on those moments to tell Nicholas about his Daddy Mark.
I know too, that Nicholas is getting a lot of stories about Mark through his grandpa and his aunt and uncle.
So, how do you keep memories alive? How do you tell your kids or your spouses about friends, family, loved ones who have passed on (or even just have passed out of your life)? What do you do to try to help them know those people?
OK…you just got me teary eyed here at work…
While my kidlette’s father did not die, we divorced, I am struggling with how to tell her about her father in the most positive light possible. All the good times and memories we did have and hopefully will continue to have…just in a different context. I love to scrapbook…not just the pictures, but the stories! I journal a lot about our lives pre and post kidlette. Scraps of paper, ticket stubs and music lyrics are inspiration with accompanying flood of memories/stories just waiting to be told!
Two weeks ago, I attended a scrap-a-thon for breast cancer. In preparing to go to the event, I was sorting pictures and materials. I was overcome with a sadness of a life that has ended…ours as a family. I bawled like a baby. I realized though that I could not stop scrapping or telling kidlette of our lives…I had to work through the pain and find joy in telling these stories. Our stories are how we live on through others…I want kidlette to have the best possible childhood memories of her dad whether he is present or not.
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Hi Sherry,
What a beautiful post you wrote. Thank you for sharing it with us all.
I believe that keeping memories alive is a fundamental part of life in general. After all, what are we if not a collection of all emotions, actions, reflections from the past? We wouldn’t be what we are today without these memories (be them happy or sad).
In the last year we had 5 deaths in our family, and among them my great-grandma and my godfather. It’s always hard when someone passes on and each person receives the blow differently. I praise them by trying to keep all the good memories, telling and re-telling all good stories, such as when I was just a kid and my godfather made a surprise visit at my home at my birthday, even though he lived in another city and almost never visited us. Or the stories that my dad told me about their childhood together (they were almost of the same age).
For me it feels just natural to transmit these stories and costumes, like when my girlfriend came here to visit me and my family, and I taught her how to play a cards game that my great-grandma taught me how to play when I was really young. Then we played the game for a whole night with all my family together, having such a good time that I’m sure my great-grandma was smiling wherever she may be.
Even with past relationships I try to do this, to remember the good moments, to keep the good memories alive. I still keep letters from my first girlfriend when I was only 13-years-old, for Christ’s sake!
When a relationship ends, people tend to try to erase everything, to blame each other, to keep thinking/remembering about the last days/months and all the though periods, full of hurtful words and resentment. They forget about all those little moments, all those times full of joy and happiness…. those times that made you stay together, that made you smile with affection to each other. It feels so good when you exercise this and are able to focus on these amazing moments that you shared together. I mean, they will always be part of our lives, so we better focus on the good memories (that’s my thinking, anyway).
Well, that’s how I remember people that passed through my life and I hope they do the same.
Once again, thank you for this beautiful post.
–Leo