This Friday I hop on a plane to San Francisco and will be away for a little over 24 hours speaking at a start-up conference. Over the weekend I started telling my sons, particularly my almost 5-year-old, that I was going to be gone for one night. My husband and I have found that our oldest does a lot better when he knows “the plan” and we can discuss it for a few days before it happens. If you sneak something up on him - he is liable to have on of his “fits” (as he calls them). As I talked about why I had to be gone, my oldest said:
That’s not fair. Mommy always has to go. It’s Daddy’s turn.
He is right. I more often have events and travel outside of office hours. I don’t travel tons, and often times when I do travel I take the kids with me (along with my mom or husband or mother-in-law to help out). But about once a month I have evening events where I speak, teach, or facilitate entrepreneurship, and once on a while I plan a quick trip to a conference or speaking engagement where it is just easier to fly in and out and not plan on the extra expense and all the extra hard work that entails bringing the kids along. In April I will be gone for a total of 3 full nights away, and one evening at a local entrepreneurship event. Daddy will be in charge, taking care of our 2 boys on his own.
My son knows my husband and I work together, running Palo Alto Software together. He knows that we go to the same office, and work with the same people. So his question is of course very logical. What is harder for him to understand right now is the different jobs that Mommy and Daddy do. I am the public face person for the company. My position requires me to travel more and to be in front of as many people as possible speaking, teaching and evangelizing. My husband is our opps detail guy. He is all about product development, IT infrastructure and web development. So no matter how I like it or not - I am going to be the one that travels more and is more often gone.
And of course that gives me immense Mommy guilt. While I LOVE what I do, and I have chosen this life and this career, and I would NEVER change it, that doesn’t mean I don’t have guilt. Especially when the almost 5 year old wants to know why I have to be gone more than Daddy. I wish it could be different. I wish I could ALWAYS take the kids. But I also know its good for Daddy to have some time on his own with the kids. Our kids are still so young that they definitely tend to still migrate towards me when they are hurt, tired, hungry, or upset. So every time Daddy is the only one — I feel like they get a little more bonded to him. Or maybe this is how I make myself feel better about being away. One way or another though — I can’t change the fact that in order to do the job I love, I am going to have to travel here and there. This means I am going to have to leave the kids behind sometimes. I know they are O.K. — I just need to learn how to not feel so guilty about it.
If you are a working mommy who travels more than your partner, I would love to know how you deal with it!
Sabrina Parsons aka MommyCEO
Sabrina - thank you so much for sharing this with us. I’m in a similar position and every time I get on a plane I feel that guilt. I am 100% confident that my husband can manage at home without me and I feel completely supported by my whole family in my career choices, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
At my daughter’s school a large percentage of the mothers work at home instead of outside like I do, and when she asks me why I “have” to work and can’t be home like the other moms, I explain two things. 1) I choose to work because I love what I do and I think it makes the world a better place 2) I choose to work so that one day she and all of her friends can make the same choice I do today if they so desire. I know I owe my ability to be a mom and have a job I love was made possibly by generations before ours that fought for that right and I want to be sure every girl has every available option for generations come.
My conviction in these two things doesn’t make being away any easier of course, but knowing I’m not alone does help. Thank you.
I don’t travel often - just the occasional conference or speaking engagement - but definitely more than my husband; so, I do understand your mixed feelings. Can’t say I’ve really come up with a great way to handle it, other than the classic traveling parent guilt reaction. I bring back gifts. In our case, it’s snow globes. While they don’t stop the “do you have to?” questions, my daughter is enjoying building up a collection from places mommy visits.
RT @thismommygig: What About When Mommy Travels More Than Daddy? New from @mommyCEO: [link to post]
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Welcome, Sabrina! Great to have you debut here.
Re the guilt: Start therapy funds now. ; ) Seriously, it’s never easy.. but one thing I do when I travel is chat via video skype with my kids at home. It’s not perfect, but it helps my youngest one visualize what I’m doing/where I am when she can see my face and I can give her a “tour” of my hotel room.
Oh, and bring back good gifts, as Laura suggests! (When I have the time to hunt them down!)
Thanks to all of you for your great ideas!