Is it weird to honor the first time your daughter gets her period?
I’m not talking about holding a rave or hanging a pinata, but the event is a kind of passage for girls. And it seems like it might call for… I dunno, something. But what?
A friend of mine — the mother to three now-teenage daughters — took each of her daughters on a sunrise hike up a mountain. Another bought her girl a special charm for her bracelet. I’m not sure either or those things are quite my style, but I can appreciate the gesture.
When I got my period for the first time, I didn’t tell my mother for days. In truth, I had no idea what it was, and I was more perplexed than worried. When I finally mentioned it, she nodded knowingly. Later that day, a box of Maxi-Pads appeared in bathroom. When I opened the box, I was horrified: Each pad was about the size of a twin mattress: How was I supposed to accommodate that?
Later, my mother asked, “Did you find what I left you?” “Yes,” I replied. And that was the extent of the only conversation we ever had about it.
I have a different relationship with my own daughter. I’m sure that’s true of many of us here — and in the larger world, of today’s parents in general. Times have evolved since then, too. Which brings me back to my original question.
So what about it? What will you do, or what have you done? How does it compare with your own experience?
Photo credit: evelynishere
I’m not sure what I’ll do for my girlie when the big M arrives, but it’s probably about a year away for her — maybe less! One thing I *have* done already, though, is get her a set of pads to keep on stand-by. It was funny, we were just on a normal grocery run and I suggested it casually when we were in the right aisle. She wanted to try one out when we got home.
It will be a significant moment when her period starts, but for now I just want her to be relaxed about it. Pimples, though — that’s a whole ‘nother matter! ;]
Just love your daughter! Be there for her! Let her know that you care, & if she needs to talk, you will listen. This can be a scary transition for some, for others it’s a piece of cake. Take one day at a time! Things always change! Emotions will change! Learn to love her in a new way! But remember, she is still your daughter, the one you gave birth to. Remember, your time of transition! What was it like? You made it through, so help her through this transition phase with love & patience!
I agree completely with you, Judith! My 11 year old got hers 2 days ago & she shocked me by how calm she was. I, on the other hand, started crying and thinking
“My first born is a little woman now.”
After I dried my tears, I felt very connected to her & found myself wanting to just be next to her & help in any way I could.
A hike up a mountain? With cramps and bloating? Sounds like a GREAT way to celebrate.
I say icecream, chick flick, mani pedi. No period mentioned. Leave those girls alone!
Of course, if you really wanted to celebrate you could just have a lovely cake made in the shape of a maxi pad! Something like “It’s ALWAYS special!”.
LOL. Thanks for funny post.
You took the words out of my mouth
On second thought - you could be more subtle and just do a red, round cake. (PERIOD). HAH!
Not weird at all! In fact, it’s probably more weird that our modern culture is the only one in history which does not formally recognize/embrace menstruation.
I was fortunate to grow up in a multi-generational household which was mostly female and had a healthy perspective on menstruation, and I still remember how special I felt amongst my family when I became a woman.
For my three girls, the two who have “crossed over the river” were very different in their paths (one wanted recognition, including symbolic jewelry and a “red” party; and the 2cnd daughter wanted to keep it private). Our third girl is getting close, and I suspect will be completely different from either sister!
There are occasions when I am glad I have only sons. This, Ann, is one of them… :>}
I like the idea of a sunrise hike. It’s symbolic of a new beginning and will give us the opportunity to chat about any questions she may have (like how many days does this last?!) Maybe a trinket, too. We’ll see…the moment is fast approaching.
Have you heard of My Little Red Book? It’s a collection of essays about women’s first menses, from all around the world. So girls get perspectives from girls/women in Kenya, who can’t go to school for a week because of the cost of pads, the embarrassing (getting it while waterskiing), to the terrifying (getting it while being strip searched by Nazis).
My guess would be giving it to a daughter before she starts menstruation would be ideal. But shortly after would be good too!
This is a fantastic and important post. When I got my period, I was afraid to tell my mom. I was embarrassed and ashamed which is ABSURD. I think that women, our sexuality and our reproductive powers have been demonized - as mothers of daughters we have the perfect opportunity to take back our power. Let them know how special this is…I mean, getting your period signifies that you can grow a whole person inside of you - it’s a miracle. It’s spectacular. No matter what you do, I encourage every mother to share this sentiment - not just when their daughter get her first period, but well before - so that she isn’t scared, but is honored when it happens.
RT @parentingscoop RT @thismommygig…’When your daughter gets her period’: Advice, anyone…? [link to post]. Very helpful!
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My advice: acknowledge the “event” in a simple, low key but meaningful way like a Mom and daughter girls night out. Also insure that she doesn’t develop a “what a drag” attitude about her period. Point her to the positives of it such as the fact that its a sign of a woman’s health, that she’ll sleep like a baby during the days of her period and that it shows she’ll be able, if she chooses, to have children of her own. I am not sure I’d tell her yet that there may be days she’s thrilled to get her period though!!
Now that she’s got it, she also needs to take special precautions regarding hygiene etc. which will also set the stage for a conversation on sexuality and stress the importance of knowing this is her body and nobody else’s.
With this event, moms have the opportunity to have a dialogue about important issues only possible now that the reality of her womanhood is manifested itself!
M
I’m still many years away from having to face this one, but have a related question to throw out there … how old was your daughter when you first discussed it with her? I’m afraid I’m still hiding mine from my 6 y/o girl because I’m not ready to start the conversation about it. Don’t really remember what my mom told me, but don’t think it was too far off from Ann’s experience. Sex we’ve already had some very basic chats about - a decent foundation for more later, I think. But menstruation? Nope. Tips anyone?
May be closer than you think! I started mine in the 4th grade, 9 yrs old. I was horrified! Had no idea what a period was. Needless to say, I was not shy nor did I waste any time talking about it with my girls almost 9 and just turned 11 in November. My 11 yr old started her’s last night. Boy it’s definitely affecting me more than I ever expected it to. Lot of different emotions. This is my baby, my first born, I wanna smile & cry at the same time lol. Going to surprise her, taking her out of school for lunch at Mimi’s Cafe, her fav. To answer your question, the menstruation talk should def come before the sex talk (as the period should occur before the act of sex) when they’re young (6) they only want short simple answers, save the detail till she’s a little older, 8 maybe. A good book is “American Girls” body book (I found @BarnesnNoble
The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Girls (American …
$16.87 new - Amazon.com
The Care and Keeping of You: Body Book for Girls, American Girl L
$9.95 new - Borders
The Care and Keeping of Me: Body Book Journal, American Girl Libr
$7.95 new - Borders
My mom actually shared this rite of passage with me, in a very open and supportive way. We didn’t toast champagne glasses or go out to celebrate, but we talked about it a lot. She “petted me” during my first cramps, as much as she did any of childhood’s other bruises, scrapes, and small traumas. She paid attention to what was happening to me and my body, and I felt very special and grown-up those first few times, before I realized what a drag it was going to be, the rest of my life…
Receiving “the gift” (did anyone else’s family call it that–I’m not sure mine did, but for some reason that phrase sticks in my head) now is actually a good memory for me.
I think approaching the occasion “as a gift”, as cornie as it sounds, is a good approach. To celebrate with our daughters what our bodies can do and to start to reinforce that with this gift, come lots of new grown-up responsbilities.
It’s a few years away, but when my daughters receive their “gift” for the first time, I think we’ll go to the same little tea house in Wenham, where we’ve enjoyed being “just girls” since they were small–the same place I used to visit with my own mother.
It’s really as much a rite of passage for us, as for our daughters…the continuity of it all, and passing the torch, sort of thing. What a life-defining, really changing moment for us, too, when our babies can have babies. We need to mark the occasion as much for ourselves, I think, as for our daughters.
I’m totally looking for The Little Red Book. That sounds right up our alley…
@LPT I honestly don’t remember the first time I brought it up — I guess it happened gradually, since she’s constantly shadowing me, even when I go in the bathroom. (And has since she could walk.) I guess she probably witnessed a few things and then asked the pointed, “What’s THAT?” question…
I love Peg’s observation here BTW: “It’s really as much a rite of passage for us, as for our daughters…” We really do play a role here, don’t we? I love that perspective.
My daughter got hers the summer after 5th grade. She casually mentioned pink in her undies. I was…omg….but we had discussed it openly before. I hid it from my mom for about a year. that wasn’t going to happen to my daughter. I put it in basic terms. The truth, but non-scary, basic terms. As she got older, we discussed in more detail. She was so UNFAZED I wondered if she would even need me. She didn’t. Not sure if I was more proud or sad that she didn’t need me. But I went online and read someone else’s story about how they made a box for their daughter. Wrote a letter to her, included pads, a chocolate bar, a little special make-up case to carry her pads in for school….It was special. I am planning on doing that for my other daughter too. Oh, and included the book from American Girl - the one about their body. Good Luck everyone! Oh and I love the cake ideas…..what a way to break the ice if she is embarrassed. Yeah, she’ll be more embarrassed but in a fun way. LOL =o)
My daughter just called me and told me that she started her period. She is in the 6th grade and has been “developing” for awhile now so I knew it was coming….I still cried though. I am sad that my baby is growing up and I am also sad for all the pain, discomfort and problems that she will face due to her period. I wanted to run home from work to be there for her but she was so very non-chalant about the whole thing and told me that it wasn’t necessary. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner, just her and I and she said no to that to. What a bummer, here I thought we would have this wonderful bonding moment and she wasn’t interested. I had planned for this day for months and months and now I almost feel let down by the experience. Weird, huh….
My daughter is just 2 years old now but in the future she have have her 1st period thanks for the good read.
My daughter started hers at school last week and called me crying on the phone. I wasn’t exactly sure what happened but got there as soon as I could she then told me and we went for a girls lunch out and talked about it!
- It was very fun ans symbolic
Well, I discovered that my daughter started her period in the past day or two or week… I googled it and it is not uncommon for girls to hide it. I am glad I came across this article to help me chuckle through the hours until she comes home from school and figure out how I am going to pose the question to her… “Um… do you have a new visitor in town?” Did you get the “Red Tide?” I remember when my dad asked me “What’s new?” and I about died… *eyes rolling* I guess I will just ask her what’s new…. then go from there! Thanks for the mattress analogy! I’m still laughing!!!