I thought we had the labels pretty well defined, Daddy Mark is the daddy in Heaven and Daddy is the daddy here. My son, Nicholas had just turned 2 when William (a.k.a Daddy) and I started dating and we’ve been married a couple of months now. Nicholas will turn 4 tomorrow, and suddenly the ease of knowing the difference between the two daddys is sliding a bit.
We’ve had confusion about Daddy Mark in the past year. We have photos up in N’s room of Daddy Mark holding N,
Daddy Mark & Nicholas
and there are two particular photos that N is fascinated with. They are both of Mark holding N just after delivery (see right), and N loves for me to tell him about his birth. For a while, N would get confused between his birth story and the story of Mark’s time in the hospital when he died. N thought that the picture of Mark and him was when “Daddy Mark was so sick in the hospital that the doctors couldn’t make his body better.” I spent quite a bit of time explaining the difference in why we were in the hospital for N’s birth and why Mark was in the hospital when he was sick. Nicholas seems to get it for the most part, but is still confused about it sometimes.
William and I began referring to him as “Daddy” after we got engaged. Nicholas didn’t seem to have any trouble with the transition (I’m sure it helped that he wasn’t quite 3 yet), and William has been Daddy ever since. In the past three or four months though, Nicholas has referred to William as “Pretend” Daddy a few times. When asked what he meant, Nicholas said, “Daddy is Pretend Daddy and God is the Real Daddy.” And who can argue with that. We had a brief discussion about how God created us all and so he is parent to all of us but that doesn’t make Daddy pretend Daddy or Mommy pretend Mommy. I should have known that wouldn’t be the end of it.
Now Nicholas is saying that when Daddy Mark gets better, Daddy won’t be his real daddy any more and that will make Nicholas sad. I think part of this stems from the conversations we’ve had where I told him I believe that Daddy Mark is healthy and happy in Heaven and his body isn’t sick any longer. But who knows, Nicholas could be making this up from whole cloth.
Daddy & N
I probably wouldn’t think too much about it, and just keep reinforcing that William is Daddy and that Daddy Mark is in Heaven, but I know it’s painful for William. I try to help him see that it’s not a preference or judgment on him as a father, that N is just confused; but, I can see how it would hurt. William is N’s Daddy, and nobody who sees them together would doubt it.
Any thoughts on where you think the origin of the confusion might be? Do you think there is a better phrase for Mark? Is it confusing for N to have two daddys? I would love to hear what you think!
*Photo of Daddy and N courtesy of Rebel With A Camera.
Wow, Sherry - this is something that I deal with as well. My first two kids have a biological dad that walked out on us when my daughter was almost 3 and my son was 13 months. It wasn’t a situation where he was around (he moved to another state and none of us saw him until six years later), and there were no other Daddy contenders for quite a few years anyway.
When I got remarried, we started referring to my new husband as Daddy FirstName, and this seemed to work really well. After a while, my two oldest kids were referring to him as just Daddy. As it turned out, this man ended up abusing my kids sometime after he and I had a child together, and we are divorced.
Now, I have remarried again. It has been much more difficult this time to transition the kids (the three oldest, now) into calling their stepdad Dad or Daddy because sometimes they want to, and sometimes they don’t. My oldest two are 9 and almost 8, so they are much more led by personal preference or how happy or upset they are with him at the moment (someone has to clean their room, someone gets in trouble for forgetting a chore, and so on). My second son, who is 3, usually calls him Daddy FirstName, but sometimes calls him just Daddy.
It’s tricky, and my usual behavior about it is to allow the kids to call him either Dad, Daddy FirstName, or just FirstName (because he is okay with that, otherwise it wouldn’t be okay with me); as long as they respect him as a parent, the name they call him by seems less relevant.
I know it makes him feel that much more loved when they just call him Dad, but their history with father-figures has made it hard for them to just do that all the time. We try to give them space and understanding, and I’m not sure what else to do, frankly.
(Sorry for the followup blogpost of my own here, lol!)
Rachael ~ Thank you so much for your input! It helps so much to hear the ways other people deal with the often bizarre family situations we all have. And I love your advice, that as long as they respect him as a parent, the name is less relevant. Perfect!
Hi Sherry-You might try something like: “You are lucky to have two daddies. One who lives here with us and one who lives in Heaven,” keeping it as simple and short as possible. If you haven’t already, I’d also put along side N’s photos of Mark some photos of William and of yourself as well, the idea being that all three of you are his parents, his family. It feels a bit like N may think he can only have one dad or the other. Reinforcing that he doesn’t have to choose and can love them both may help.
Sherry,
I just stumbled upon this bitterweet post that has touched me deeply. My hearfelt sympathies for the loss of Mark…and glad tidings that you have again found love…and somebody to be Daddy to little N. here on earth.
Little N’s current response is a classic textbook example of “magical thinking”, which kids in his age group experience in relationship to understanding death and loss. A child of N’s age doesn’t see death as permanent and often feel that the person WILL come back. This notion is often reinforced by cartoons where characters can get squashed and squished and flattened out and then pop back to life…”whammo”!
While it may have something to do with your comments to N. about Daddy Mark not being sick in heaven, this belief could likely have surfaced on its own, without any help or any conversation.
Kids of this age need to know that a person who has died will not come back…they cannot come back. Kids will need to be reminded of this MANY times, much like we have to teach them to tie shoes and zip zippers numerous times before they “get” it!
Kids also need to know that the person who died loved them very much…and that there is nothing the child did or said or thought that caused the loved one to die. This is very important! Kids should be reminded of this often!
N’s comment that Daddy Mark will come back and then Daddy William won’t be his real daddy is proof positive that N is very attached to Daddy W and that he is his psychological parent. This is a GOOD thing for N. N might, however, get the fact that Daddy M “left”…and if Daddy “M” “left”, there is nothing to stop Daddy “W” from leaving, too. He will need reassurance and love and regular reminders that Daddy “W” is there to stay…Daddy Mark didn’t choose to leave, but his body stopped working and he did not get to stay here to be the Daddy he wanted to be. Daddy W is his daddy on earth and loves him, too.
There’s lots more to it than that…but I hope this sheds a little light on N’s being seemingly at odds with it all right now.
Little N is lucky to have two dads that love him so much…one in heaven and one here on earth!
Eventually, his understanding of the situation will change and mature…and he will “get” it. Until then…it is okay for him to know he has two daddies…one in heaven that can’t come back down…and one here on earth…that can play with him and teach him and spend time with him.
All the best to all of you!