I’m an inadequate mother. There, I said it. And I have to say that I feel a sense of relief saying it out loud or at least out in the open on a very public blog. I’ve felt this deep, burning inadequacy often in the last three years since my daughter was born, but I feel it more and more as I fail to properly navigate the twisted paths through parenthood.
Tonight, my husband is out of town, and my daughter refused to go to sleep. I decided to make things fun for her and to let her snuggle in “mommy and daddy’s bed” for a while, maybe even sleep there with me. I even let her watch a little movie in bed after her regular bedtime to make it extra special. I thought that would be a cool mommy thing to do.
The whole thing backfired on me. When I said it was time to go to sleep, instead of a compliant child, I had a toddler meltdown on my hands. What was I thinking? Of course she’d be overtired if I let her stay up past her bedtime. Why hadn’t I anticipated the errors of my ways? And why did I think my idea of cool mommy was even remotely suitable for a three year old? But what the hell do I know?
I don’t know, and there’s the rub. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, a devastating realization for an overachiever who has been good at just about everything I’ve put my mind to do. But not motherhood. I throw my heart, soul and brainpower into being a good mom, but it always seems to backfire on me.
For some reason, I’m not getting the memos on what to do when she refuses to go potty, refuses to eat her dinner, refuses to go to bed. Intellectually, I know she is testing the waters, testing her power as a little individual. I don’t know how much is too much discipline or how little is too little. I don’t want to crush her feisty little spirit, but I can see how this could happen all too easily.
Tonight, after carrying her kicking and screaming into her bedroom when she utterly refused to go to sleep in my bed, I listened to her screeching and howling. Then she came out of her bedroom and back into mine.
“Go…to…bed,” I said in measured tones.
“I don’t want to go to bed,” she sobbed.
“Go…to…bed…now…or I’ll carry you back in your room and shut the door.”
“I don’t want to go to bed in my bed. I don’t want to go to bed in your bed. I want to go to bed in the living room. On the sofa,” she told me.
The living room? Was that okay to do? Was I giving in too easily, I wondered, as I followed her to the living room and tucked her blanket around her as she curled up on the sofa. She wanted to go to sleep in the living room. I returned to my bedroom exhausted, overwhelmed, feeling like I didn’t know what just happened or why. Certain that I just committed Mommy Sin #1285 and creating some new problem by not making her sleep in her own bed tonight.
Then I had to laugh through my own tears tonight as I read Steve Woodruff’s post about Father’s Day, and how men can feel inadequate about being fathers. Who are the parents who don’t feel inadequate most of the time? Or what I really want to know is who are the ones who do, and what denial pill or happy sauce are they slugging down? I want some.
Am I the only one who feels at any moment I might get fired from this mommy gig?
What a great post Aliza! Welcome to This Mommy Gig where we are all just feeling our way though the job of parenting without a training manual.
Oh sure, there are tons and tons of books out there which I’m sure you, like me, poured through in anticipation of this new role for which we had no experience; but, there’s always the guilt that you’re doing it wrong somehow.
For what it is worth, I remember three years old and your story took me back there vividly. Bedtimes were the worst times for at least a year around our house, but at some point it did get better. And, that’s the best I can offer you is the knowledge that your girl is at an age where others have acted the same way. I worried many nights that I would scar my girl by forcing her to sleep in her bed, and I’ve also given in to sofa sleeping during negotiations when mommy’s bed was not allowed.
At six-going-on-seven I’d like to say we no longer fight over bedtimes or sleeping locations, but I can’t. I can say it comes up less frequently and I don’t see signs yet that I’ve created a future ax murderer.
I too feel like I am good ay everything but being a mom. Your bedtime story sounds familiar. What I am beginning to learn from my 2 year old daughter is that giving things to kids just makes them unhappy. strict routines seem to be the only way to avoid meltdowns. And I suck at those.
When I was a new mother some 17 (!) years ago, a friend of mine who had 6 children used to say to me, “Kids are like pancakes. You always throw the first one out.”
She was kidding, of course. You’d never actually sacrifice your kid. But there was some dark truth in her words. In parenting, and particularly with the first, we really *don’t* know what we are doing. We can’t tell if what we are doing is right, or wrong, or awesome, or whether we really are just screwing them up for life, or whatever. To carry her analogy through… you never know if the griddle is the right temperature, or the batter the right consistency, until you go ahead and try it and make a mistake… but I guess you probably see my point.
Anyway, I guess the larger issue here is that it is terrifying and daunting and irritating that kids don’t come with manuals, and that parents don’t get memos, as Aliza says. And what’s worse — right when you think things are going well, and smoothly, and you’ve got this mommy gig all figured out.. the kid hits another developmental milestone… and then a new set of challenges present. No fair, eh?
Oh Aliza-
I must admit, I read your post with equal feelings of sympathy, compassion… and smugness. I’ve been there- truly, madly, deeply… and I often feel I’m was the ONLY one who is so awkward at tasks that should be instinctual. I mean we’re MOTHERS for christ’s sakes.
I’m going to admit here and very publicly, that I did take some small frisson of comfort and illicit joy in reading your post- kind of like seeing Heidi Klum with cellulite.
My son may not have learned structure from me. Or how to calmly handle any situation. But I can say that at 9 years old, he’s showing signs of resourcefulness and agile, flexible decision making that are definitely the benefits of being raised by someone who’s making it up as they go along. And ultimately, isn’t that what life really is?
Aliza! WELL DONE, baby. No, you will not be fired. It’s our job to fuck up. If we didn’t, how would our children figure out how to deal with incompetent boobs?
But really. Not only do we run into situations like this on a daily basis with 2 three year olds, but my parents are staying with us for the summer and like to point out each and every one of our transgressions.
Oy vey.
You love her, right? More than the world? Then you’re doing good…
Beautifully articulated. All of feel that way 90% of the time. Mine is 14, and I’m still having those moments. The topic has just turned from going to bed to going to a move at 10PM on a Saturday night. No matter what I do or say, I feel like I’m getting it all wrong. I have, however, developed a wonderful appreciation for my mother.
Thanks to Ann Handley for tweeting this. I feel your pain, Aliza. And I think my three-year-old is working from the same manual as yours. Let’s just say I’m not a particularly religious person but I’ve been calling upon God a lot lately. Good luck to us!
Great post! Thanks to Ann Handley for tweeting it.
I’m going through the terrible 3’s with my third child and still haven’t figured it out. Seems that not only do children come without manuals, but each individual child has a completely different operating system. Experience with one doesn’t seem to translate to the next. Someday, they’ll grow up and appreciate us for all of our love despite our foibles, just like I appreciate my parents in a whole new way now. (They will, right?) Until then, I guess we’ll have to take the tantrums with the snuggles. The snuggles are worth it.
I do secretly worry that someone will fire me, though;o)
Aliza — Sister, cut yourself some slack. You’re most certainly not an “inadequate mother.” We drive ourselves crazy striving for perfect parenthood when “good-enuf” parenting breeds far more happiness for parents and kids alike.
Besides, we’re all going to mess up somewhere … its what keeps the shrinks and pharmaceutical companies in business. You don’t want to take away someone’s job away in this economy! We all have horror stories from being parented badly. Those of us raised in the 60s/70s recall cigarette smoking, appalling amounts of drinking, riding in the way-backs of cars without restraint and miles away on bikes without 2-way radios. We’re all mostly OK.
Think of parenting as a decathaon. You’re not going to medal in every event, but the combined “good-enough” score is what brings home a medal. Parenting is largely trial and error. Kids differ — not only individually, but daily. Just when you think you’ve set up the perfect bedtime routine, boundaries, or reward system … they change on you. That’s what keeps it interesting.
My kids are now 10 & 7 and they keep me on my toes. I try to keep it all in perspective with humor. In my decathalon - I excel in supportiveness, playfulness, listening, boundaries, and feedback … when it comes to perfect nutrition or bedtime … I joke that I am “parent of the year” and practice my acceptance speech as if I am the Marissa Tomei of that category. That is how awful I am. Try to be kind to yourself and laugh at it all … Many a time I had to be carried back to bed because I snuck back out to watch a forbidden James Bond movie from behind the livingroom wall. Those are some of my best memories … Live and Let Live … you’re doing fine!
Welcoming the fantastic @alizasherman to @thismommygig! The Inadequate Mother - [link to post]
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ah…so I am not alone after all. The Inadequate Mother - [link to post]
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The Inadequate Mother - [link to post]
@thismommygig
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RT @writingroads: The Inadequate Mother - [link to post] @thismommygig
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I now feel better, thanks to your post! I often second guess my decisions and wonder whether I am somehow scarring her for life (-: While I attempt to be the sane voice of reason for my husband’s parenting woes, this doesn’t seem to work on the voice in my head going on at me about whether I did this right or made the right decision about that! LOL - thanks so much for sharing.
Yes, the combative strength of a toddler is challenging. The “elders” that I have spoken with tell me not to give up or give in. My daughter is seven now and I’m pretty proud of some of things I did when she was a toddler which avoided some of the mess. No, it hasn’t minimized or “sassy pants” attitude or the “mom (not mommy, that’s for babies), doesn’t know anything”. However, I encourage you at bedtime to put her in her bed and snuggle with her. My daughter and I have a special song that we sing everynight and I end it by telling her that I will be checking on her. Also, don’t “relocate” the slumber time to another room. It will send mixed messages. Her bedroom is for sleep and as long as you tell her that you will be checking on her and if she has any bad dreams she can come to you (in your room), you should be fine. Establishing a routine very early on will save you years of frustration. Kids need a routine and they will respond to it. Even if we, as mothers, find ourselves hiding in our bedroom closet occassionally pulling out our hair. The routine is key.
Great post! Talk about on-the-job training. I’m just on the other side of three, my son turned four last month, and bedtime is getting easier. Here are the pieces of advice that have served me well the past four years: “As long as you know he’s clean and full and safe and uninjured, sometimes babies just need to cry” [within reason, of course] and some version of “No kid ever goes to college without being [potty trained, able to use utensils, etc.]”
We all fail every day at some aspect of motherhood. If we didn’t, our children would have nobody to think they are smarter than when they are teenagers.
Last one, but we’ve all felt like @alizasherman ’s post at TMG “The Inadequate Mother” [link to post]
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