We have a lot of children’s books in our house - what with two 3 year olds and all. As a writer, (with 5 children’s books written and just waiting for a publisher to swoop in and make them as real as the Velventeen Rabbit) I’m a pretty huge snob when I’m reading to our children.
I’ve been known to stop mid-way through a book - interrupting my sleepy. sweet, ‘let’s go to bed’, mommy voice - to shout at Patti, “Can you believe they publish this CRAP?” Really, I just don’t understand. My books are well written, they make sense, they have a purpose. And some of these books are just nonsense.
But I digress, there are also many wonderful books with great writing and hilarious concepts…and one of my favorites? The ‘If you give a (something) a (whatnot)” series. Laura Joffe Numeroff writes the books, Felicia Bond illustrates them - they make a perfect match. There’s, If you give a pig a pancake and If you give a moose a muffin and If you give a mouse a cookie to name a few. And I love them. They follow a sweet child on a journey with a couple of ballsy animals that want, want, want - full circle. “If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s probably going to want a glass of milk…” which leads to a milk mustache which leads to a bath which leads to… - you get the point, right?
The formula is delicious - I’m a big fan of circular writing.
Which is why I got so excited when I saw Jessica Smith’s post about a new book called, If you give a mom a martini. It turns out this adult book offers 100 ways to find mommy bliss and alone time - and I was terribly disappointed. I wanted the other book - the kids book for grown-ups.
So, what’s a writer to do? Well, write the book you want to read of course. I don’t have the illustrations, use your imagination for the images - and feel free to send your illustrator and publishing contacts along…
Ready? Here we go:
~If you give a mom a martini…she’s going to want a nice dinner to go with it.
~So, you’ll make her a reservation.
~When she hears about the reservation, she’ll want you to find a babysitter.
~You’ll take out the phone book and start making calls, which will remind her that she needs the newest iPhone.
~When she goes online to buy it, she’ll notice that she has several new followers on Twitter. So she’ll check to see who they are.
~At least 20 of them will be spammers offering sex and 400 followers a day, and they’ll feature a sultry photo of Jennifer Aniston which will remind her of Friends and how much she loved that show.
~She’ll go to iTunes to download every season and notice the premier dates of the series. This will make her smack her iMac really hard - because the first season of Friends couldn’t possibly have started in 1994…because that would make her, well, 36. And that’s not possible.
~She’ll insist that you buy her a new computer that doesn’t compute wrong.
~When you start to tell her that it’s actually true (because you were a senior in college and you remember where you were when it happened - it’s like the JFK assassination for Gen X’ers), she’ll be reminded that you’re kind of dense.
~She’ll ask you for a shoe horn to help you remove your foot from your mouth. You’ll give it to her - albeit slowly - and just before she clocks you in the head with it, she’ll see the box that you took it out of and catch a glimpse of a gorgeous sandal.
~So she’ll ask you, shoe horn still in ready position, ‘What are ,those?’
~You’ll nudge the box towards her with your toe and grab the shoe horn as she bends down to take a closer look. The black strappy sandals will remind her of a black strappy dress she hasn’t worn in months.
~Strappy sandals in hand, she’ll head to the closet to get the dress and announce that you have to go out for a nice dinner immediately.
~And chances are, if you take her out for a nice dinner, she’s going to want a martini to go with it.
Image credit: JazarellaMozarella
OMG AWESOME RT @writingroads: Ever read ‘If you give a moose a muffin’ ? Well this is: ‘If you give a mom a martini’ [link to post] #fb
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BRAVO! Dead on, lady, dead on. Could you turn these out weekly?
CuteRT: @writingroads: Ever read ‘If you give a moose a muffin’ to your kids? Well this is: ‘If you give a mom a martini’ [link to post]
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RT @writingroads Ever read ‘If you give a moose a muffin’ to your kids? Well this is: ‘If you give a mom a martini’ [link to post]
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RT @writingroads: Ever read ‘If you give a moose a muffin’ to your kids? Well this is: ‘If you give a mom a martini’ [link to post] Haha
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Ever read ‘If you give a moose a muffin’ to your kids? Well this is: ‘If you give a mom a martini’ [link to post]
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@writingroads I just finished that book myself. Some excellent tips in there for moms.
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This is hilarious. I loved reading these books to my kids when they were little and you captured their spirit perfectly. Nicely done.
@writingroads wants to know what hapens when you give a Mom a Martini. So funny. [link to post]
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Very cute. I, too, am a big fan of these Joffe Numeroff/Bond books, and LOVE the idea of one for adults. Hey, there could be a whole new series waiting to be written… (not coming up with any clever examples myself right now).
Very cute! (This dad accepts #craftbeer) “If you give a mom a martini…” - [link to post]
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RT @techcommdood: Very cute! (This dad accepts #craftbeer) “If you give a mom a martini…” - [link to post]
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RT @writingroads: Ever read ‘If you give a moose a muffin’ to your kids? Well this is: ‘If you give a mom a martini’ [link to post]
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Hahaha–very well done Julie! I love those books. Also the No David ones are very nice. And the classics… I still have a very worn hardcover version of The Giant Jam Sandwich, not to mention a 1960s original of the Night Before Christmas in which Santa is smoking a cigarette and blowing the smoke in the kid’s face. Ah, why did they change that? What I would give to return to the old days of children’s books.
Maybe I should write a No Mommy! book that is similar to the No David series? Or not.
Loved this.
I’ll have another please! Excellent column : D
If you give a mom a martini… - [link to post]
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If you give a mom a martini: [link to post]
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RT @amycrea: If you give a mom a martini: [link to post]
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Too funny!
RT @Alisabow If you give a mom a martini… - [link to post]
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Love this from @writingroads: If You Give a Mom a Martini… (riffing on a children’s book series…) [link to post]
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A keeper from @writingroads via @MarketingProfs : If You Give a Mom a Martini [link to post].
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RT @MarketingProfs Love this from @writingroads: If You Give a Mom a Martini… (riffing on a childrens book series…) [link to post]
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Brilliant! RT @MarketingProfs via @writingroads If You Give a Mom a Martini… (riffing on a children’s book series…) [link to post]
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This really made me laugh RT @writingroads: If You Give a Mom a Martini… (riffing on a children’s book series…) [link to post]
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This made me laugh so hard I cried. I forwarded to my women’s a cappella octet, Venus d Minor, because we are moms who love a good martini with our music.
Catching up on my fellow @thismommygig posts - @writingroads’ “If you Give a Mom a Martini” is hilarious! [link to post]
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Laughing at: “If you give a mom a martini… « This Mommy Gig” [I love those books, too!] ( [link to post] )
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