Sunday night at the Oscars, Sandra Bullock said something in her speech that struck me. She thanked her mother for being a “trail blazer” who wouldn’t let her ride in cars with boys until she was 18, taught her that everyone is deserving of love, and allowed her to “have that [husband Jesse James] and this [the Oscar].” I found this touching because her mother obviously taught her to be a trail blazer herself - a strong, independent woman who knew she could accomplish whatever she wanted through hard work.

On the flip side, we’ve got The Bachelor on ABC. The women on this show are competing against each other to “win the heart” of one man. Recently, the show concluded another season with a new “winner” and what I found most disturbing about this season was how many of the women seemed to want to win the heart of The Bachelor (Jake Pavelka) so that they could be rescued. They never used those words, exactly, but words such as “fairy tale,” “princess” and “fantasy” (this word is used A LOT on this show) were staples of almost every conversation. Several of them had been married before and were still so young (23, 25!) and wanting to jump right back into a marriage (through the means of this show, no less). It seems to me that they’d be better off taking some time to figure out who they are without a man - what they want, what they’re capable of and who they can be on their own.

Don’t get me wrong - I am all for finding a wonderful partner and getting married. But when it’s seemingly the only goal a woman has, I think it’s unfortunate. (In college, we’d joke that these the women were going for their “MRS degree” - they’d talk more about being in college to meet a husband than for an actual degree that they could use in the future.) Anyone looking at marriage as the perfect answer to life’s challenges is going to be sorely disappointed.

I don’t have a daughter (although I do have a niece who is also my godchild) but if I did, I’d work extremely hard to make sure she understands that marriage is no fairy tale and that life is full of many other possibilities that she can make happen on her own in addition to marriage if she wants both. A happy marriage is a nice thing to have, of course - but it is most possible when you’ve explored who you are, experienced adventures and challenges on your own, and blazed some of your own trails. Why do we continue to encourage little girls to grow up with the fantasy that getting married is like being rescued by Prince Charming in Cinderella and instantly leads to “happily ever after”? Even if your husband is charming and generous, marriage is hard work! Listening to these women (and knowing some in my personal life with the same mentality) talk about it as though it’s the answer to every happiness is disheartening.

I propose we rewrite the fairy tale to be something more along the lines of: girl grows up, girl travels around world, girl discovers her passions, girl works hard at pursuing passion in her work every single day, girl is endlessly rewarded with feelings of self worth, confidence, making a living on her own, etc. One day while happily going about her purposeful life, girl happens to meet future spouse, and together they raise children and work hard at marriage, share responsibilities and hobbies and live a long, happy life together. But girl always knows she is strong, valuable and equal.

Let’s make sure our girls know that marriage is only one piece of many people’s happy lives - not the be all and end all to happiness. Let’s make sure they know that hard work leads to self confidence and worth, and that no one is going to rescue them, but rather that they can learn to love taking care of themselves. Let’s teach them that getting married is just the beginning of a hopefully long journey that is also full of hard work - but well worth it if you make the right choice and work together as equal partners. And, that it’s just one part of a happy and fulfilling life (and that it’s okay if it isn‘t a part of everyone’s life.) Let’s make “happily ever after” more focused on “with yourself.”

Teaching girls to focus on making their dreams come true through their own hard work is a fairy tale I’d like to see more girls reading. How about you?