I may have mentioned in my bio that my husband and I are trying to have another baby together.  You know, because we have nothing better to do and we just have scads of free time and money on our hands.  (Or not.) That’s all well and good, but here’s the thing:  For some reason, we can’t quite get pregnant this time around.  

Huh?  Yeah, that’s right.  We can’t seem to get pregnant this time.  It was pretty easy the first time around, with Angelo.  Who would’ve thunk it’d be so darn hard this time??

Of course, I went into this whole “let’s have another baby” business - two years ago - with cavalier visions of seeing a positive pee test stick within 90 days, just like it went down when we tried for Angelo.  Nope.  

At first I laughed it off, convinced that the crazy stress of my life at that particular point in time was just too much for my poor reproductive organs to take.  I imagined that they were putting their little feet down and demanding that a baby NOT take root there for the time being, because we (my reproductive organs and I) were operating in the Level Orange danger zone at that point just getting through our day in one piece mentally and physically, with all that was going on with Angelo’s health and the demands of my career breathing down my back.  In my mind, desperately trying to edge out the tiny bit of panic that was starting to creep in, I would think to myself, “Okay, okay - that’s cool, let’s not get all jacked up about it!  We’re just contemplating another baby, for Pete’s sake, not trying to single-handedly tackle the problem of world peace.  Geez…”

I managed to keep myself from completely FREAKING OUT over not being able to conceive for, oh, another six months or so before the panic came back and just kicked down the door rather than bothering to creep back in.  I sat in front of my Ob-Gyn at my annual appointment and told her that I was “a little concerned” at how long it was taking me to get pregnant.  She sat there calmly, cool as a cucumber, and asked me all the usual questions:  Is your cycle regular?  Are you using fertility predictor kits or tracking your fertility through temperature, etc.?  How often are you “trying?” Yada, yada, yada.  

When I’d satisfactorily answered all the questions, she ordered a few basic tests.  Let me just stop here and mention that there is actually a reason why I freak out over this “little problem” I’m having conceiving:  I have a family history of premature menopause.  My mom was all DONE with menopause by the time she was 41, and my paternal grandmother went through it in her late 20’s, which is why my dear old dad is an only child.  Since I first started thinking about eventually having a family while in my mid-twenties, this skeleton in my family’s medical closet has haunted me.  Which is why, about nine months before we began trying for Angelo, my doctor ran a bunch of tests on me to see if I was still fertile, since I had been on the Pill for 12 years straight and the Pill can mask signs of menopause.  I prayed constantly until she called me with the results of those tests to say that everything was normal.  And there I was praying again that she would run those same tests and come back with the same NORMAL results.  

Thankfully, she did and everything appeared to be fine.  All indications are that I am okay.  And, since Dan and I conceived Angelo relatively quickly, and he and his ex conceived Alexis the first month of trying, it seemed unlikely that it was a problem with his swimmers.  Nonetheless, when I sat before my Ob-Gyn again just two months ago and again mentioned my deepening concern over two years of trying unsuccessfully for another baby, she suggested that perhaps we have his swimmers checked out. 

I proposed that plan to Dan.  But Dan turned pale and clammy and nearly passed out at the thought of having to either set foot in or send his guys to a lab.  (He’s “not good” when it comes to medical stuff, generally speaking.  For example, he passed out in our first childbirth prep class for Angelo after the educator merely showed us a drawing of a woman’s body in cross-section both in it’s normal state and during pregnancy.  And he’d already been present for one birth, so it’s not like he hadn’t gone through all of that information once before.  Poor guy…)  I think we’ll give that a few more months, let him mull it over and get used to the idea.  It’s not like we’re under the gun or anything.  

In case you’re wondering, no, we haven’t consulted with any fertility specialists, or tried Clomid, or had any further or more invasive testing.  Why?  It’s simple:  Our insurance covers ZERO fertility testing or treatment and our financial situation is such that we simply can’t break the bank going to extreme measures to have another baby when we already have a beautiful, healthy, amazing little boy together.  We were blessed with one incredible miracle, one child who is so unbelievably perfect for us, and we cannot justify going broke simply to have another.  

And, there’s more…  My younger brother and sister-in-law have been trying for a baby for nearly five years now with no luck, and after countless tests, rounds of Clomid, IUI and other efforts, for them it has come down to in vitro as the only remaining option for them to have a child of their own.  In my heart, I feel that if a Supreme Being has to choose between giving us a second baby or finally giving my brother and his wife one, I want that Being to choose them.  My brother and sister-in-law are wonderful, loving, happy, gentle people, and I want so much for them to be parents, because I know how badly they want to be parents.  I am so confident that they’d make great parents that Dan and I chose them to be Angelo’s guardians in the event of our untimely demise. If it has to come down to us or them who are divinely given a baby, I hope it’s them.   

All that said, I have consulted a good friend of mine who is a Reiki Master, and I’ve had her do Reiki on me, hoping to unblock any negative energy that might be inadvertently undermining my fertility in ways that Western medicine cannot detect.  During the sessions, both my friend and I have experienced the most vivid images of me with a little girl, one who looks so much like Angelo only with feminine features and long, dark, curly hair.  It shocked me so much during the first session that I burst into tears and couldn’t stop.  I truly felt that I was seeing myself with my daughter who had yet to even be conceived.  My friend, Andrea, also has gotten this impression during our sessions that I am going to find out that I’m pregnant in October.  Crazy stuff, yes?  Maybe.  I hope not.  I guess time will tell….  

You know I’ll keep you posted if I ever do see that positive pee stick.  Heck, I may not even need to post about it - you might just hear me screaming the news from the top of the highest mountain.  In the meantime, I’ll just be sitting here, hoping like mad, and enjoying life just as it is with my amazing little boy.  

I love it when I’m reminded just how powerful a group of women can be…

My monthly neighborhood bunko group met this evening, at my house, and though we were two regular members short tonight, it was an absolute BLAST!

Oh, sure, there was food, alcohol, music and cold, hard cash.  But, more than that, there was friendship, laughter and camaraderie.  I look forward to the first Thursday night of every month for that right there.  

Since I was hosting, I was a little bit of a wreck all day today cleaning my house, grocery shopping, trying a few new appetizer recipes (one flopped BIG time, the other one was…hm… let’s just say it was “different”), and trying to keep Angelo from wreaking havoc in the rooms I’d just organized.  That part = not so much fun!  But I knew that in a matter of hours, I’d have a group of 9 wonderful women surrounding me, sharing their stories about work, their kids, their kids’ activities, school, and life in general.  Some of those stories would make me feel grateful for the relative peace and tranquility of my life, and others would make me yearn for a bit more excitement, even - a little - for having a work life to talk about again. 

One of the great things about seeing these women at bunko is that we rotate tables as we win or lose each round, so we each get to see and catch up with just about everyone as the evening goes on.  We had a new sub playing tonight in the place of one of our regular members, and it was so fun to have her there.  She was very vocal about her excitement to finally have been able to join us, and her additions to the various conversations brought a fresh perspective that we’ve lacked when it’s the 12 of us usual suspects.  It was nice.  

Is it the wine making me all sentimental for this group of great girls?  Maybe.  (I won’t lie - I had three glasses!  Who could blame me?  It’s this FABULOUS Classic Demi-Sec from Tabor Hills Winery in Michigan that my in-laws brought a case of for Dan and I the other weekend, and I swear, I just can’t resist! But - I digress…)  

No, I think more than the delicious wine, it’s being reminded - yet again - of how lucky I am to have such wonderful women in my life.  These women are my neighbors.  Neighbors who have become my friends.  I’ve had many girlfriends throughout my 34 years, but I’ve found that those I’ve made in the past few years are among the closest friends I’ve ever known.  I find myself appreciating them so much more now than I ever have before.  And although I adore and cherish my husband and my children to the ends of the earth, I treasure my girlfriends.  The power of 10 women in a room together is palpable, exciting, indomitable.  I love it.  

Here’s to women everywhere!!  

Now, go call up a few girlfriends, find a good bottle of wine (or two…), and remind yourself of how fortunate you are for having great women in your life.  Cheers!  ;)

As you may have read in my bio, I became a stay at home mom about a year ago, after my little boy’s chronic and recurring sinus infections literally had him on antibiotics constantly, and his immune system wasn’t functioning properly, never having a chance to fully recover between infections.  That was both a blessing and a curse for us: A blessing because it forced me to make the change I had wanted to make since before I even gave birth to my son, but a curse because it was all happening so quickly and there was so much fear in our hearts about the health of our son.  

What I soon found was that I loved being home despite having a little less money in the bank, Angelo was finally HEALTHY for the first time in nearly three years, and our home life was so much more peaceful and easy without my often demanding career in the mix.  My relationship with my husband became once again blissful, with no more silly, heated arguments about who was going to stay home with Angelo when he was sick, who was going to go in to work late or leave work early to take him to another of his many, many doctor appointments or medical tests, who was stretched more to their breaking point.  Personally, I was more serene, content, relaxed… happy.  Gone were the chest pains that had been plaguing me on and off for the prior two years (at age 32-33!), gone was that tight feeling of anxiety that often prevented me from really being able to take a deep, cleansing breath.  Gone were the stomach ailments brought on by stress and worry.  Suddenly, I was human again.  I was a person I recognized. I was me again.    

Given my newfound serenity it’s easy to understand how, before long, I had created in my mind a vividly painted picture of the future with me still being at home, caring for our son (and any future children) and our home, and never returning to the workforce again.  Ever.  

Don’t get me wrong - I loved my job.  I really did.  I always felt so fortunate to have found such a fantastic, progressive and opportunity-rich employer, to work for a very cool and compassionate boss who was always in my corner and helping me reach the next level in my career, and to have work that was interesting, exciting, challenging and full of growth potential.  But.  All the things I loved about my job were the things that made it hard for me to find the right balance with my home life.  Aside from that, I sort of stumbled into the area of work I was in (managing a political action committee), and while it was fun at time, I don’t really know that it’s what I’m meant to spend my life doing.    

I had been with my company for nearly eight years, and I felt hugely invested in it.  I wanted to do my best for them, to not let anyone down.  Unfortunately, that often meant taking work home with me and being available to take a call or address an email quickly, at any time.  It sometimes meant having to go into work early or stay late to finish a project, hold an important meeting, finish a critical call with a vendor.  And I had a tendency to take on everything they offered me, like the PAC, no matter how big or small, because I wanted to show them that I was leadership material, that I could be organized and efficient.  At a certain point, however, you reach critical mass and while you may realize it, they often don’t.  And saying “no” at that point sometimes doesn’t feel like an option.  I was there.   

So, with Angelo entering full-day kindergarten in September and no other children on the horizon at this point to factor into the equation, the question is what do I do with myself come September?  Dan wants me to return to work, and while I’ve agreed that it’s probably a prudent thing to do financially, I don’t want to go back to work full-time.  I want to have a little flexibility yet to help out at Angelo’s school and in his classroom, to be able to continue working out and taking care of myself, and to not have to put him in after-school daycare.  I also want to be able to have my summers off so I can be at home with Angelo and not have to put him in summer daycare.  There’s just one problem:  I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!

My old employer has asked if I’d be interested in returning there.  I love them, I miss them, but - no.  I don’t see being able to truly work part-time and “leave work at work” if I were to go back there right now.  And I don’t think I want to go back into PAC management, although it might be a decent gig to do on a consulting basis while I figure out my true professional calling.  In all honesty though, I think that if I’m only going to want to work part time (maybe 20 hours/week) and if I’m going to want to still have my summers off, my best course of action in the short-term is to take a “normal” part-time job where I go to work, put in my hours, come home.  I’m not bringing work home with me, I’m not stressing out over it.  I’m just doing the job and collecting the paycheck while still having a relatively calm life.  

When I envision the perfect job in that scenario, I keep thinking that a job at my gym is probably just the ticket.  My gym membership would be free, I’d remain in an environment that would continue to motivate me to keep working out and getting more fit, but it would be an “easy” job to have on a part-time basis, and an “easy” job to leave in the summers.  Furthermore, I’ve enjoyed my gym’s Pilates classes so much that I want to become an instructor and teach a few classes myself.  There’s just one teeny tiny little snag:  That type of job won’t offer all that much in the way of pay.  Personally, I’m cool with that and I think ANY contribution I make financially should be viewed as a good thing after this past year of NOT contributing anything.  Dan hasn’t quite decided how he feels about that yet, but I think he’ll come around to my way of thinking.  I hope.  Maybe…? 

Anyway, stay tuned over the next few months as I figure out what my next career move will be.  It’s a little scary to think about going back to work, but it’s exciting, too, since this will be a fresh start for me, an opportunity to go in a completely different direction.  How cool is that?  

Good morning, everyone!

I just wanted to post a note to say hello to all of my fellow mom writers and to all of our readers, and tell you how excited I am to join you on This Mommy Gig. As you may have seen in my bio that Kate posted late last week, I’ve aspired to be a writer for many years, but just started getting my writing out into the world earlier this year through my blog, Average Everyday Super Woman. Being offered this opportunity was very exciting for me and marked another milestone in my path to becoming (hopefully, one day) a full time writer. Wow, wouldn’t that be nice?

Anyway, thank you for welcoming me into this community. I look forward to many years of sharing stories, ideas and friendship.

Amy