Kelly Phillips Erb is a mother of three children - though she’s still trying to figure out how that happened. A tax attorney and blogger, she blogs at taxgirl.com. You can read more about Kelly on the contributors page. Catch the rest of Kelly’s posts here.

My friends and I have survived a lot of challenges together: being single, grad school, being engaged (and not being engaged), getting married, being pregnant, buying homes… Increasingly, however, it has become apparent to me that there is one challenge that we may not survive together: parenthood.

I used to have a very clear picture in my head of what I thought being a mom would be like. In that picture, there were a lot of lattes and kids playing in parks while moms in cute twin sets looked on. There were play dates and sleep-overs and holiday parties that went off without a hitch. More importantly, in my minds eye, the friends of my children would become best friends themselves and we would all live happily ever after.

Yeah, maybe a little idealistic. But I figured something close, right?

Unfortunately, life kind of got in the way of my dream. Yes, there are play dates and trips to the library and holiday parties.

But there are also incompatible schedules, different priorities, wildly disparate parenting styles and unexpected life events. Little by little, our own lives have crept in and “stolen” those moments away from us.

It was subtle at first… missing a play date because the new baby needed a nap. Then, not making trips to the library because it interfered with the one episode of Backyardigans that one child always wanted to watch. And eventually, staying home to play because the new water table in the back was loads more fun than the climber at the park.

And then it grew more obvious… we chose different preschools for our children and then different elementary schools. Parties became more awkward because cake and playing in the yard didn’t cut it anymore - our friends were scheduling mobile zoos and guest appearances by Elmo and other characters. We began going to different pediatricians, dentists and eye doctors. Dance lessons, swim clubs and league sports drove a further wedge into our already complicated lives.

None of these choices were about separation. The choices were ostensibly about the children - choosing what worked for the children. It just became clear as we each scurried to pick was was “best” for our children that those choices were taking us down different paths.

No matter how different our tastes in shoes or men or drinks, we could always find common ground. But now, when standing on the playground, we search to find things to talk about. It is painful.

Even more painful are the wedges between groups of friends. There are clearly divisions now, even cliques, as between my friends who send their children to private school versus those that do not, those that participate in league sports versus those that don’t do sports at all… Whereas before we could always come together with a good vodka-something on any given day to chat about the latest episodes of American Idol or complain about our husbands, the chatter has now given way to petty commentary about other parenting styles, children’s wardrobes and school choice.

I thought that I would largely be able to avoid that kind of talk - it is not my style and if I have learned anything as a middle child, it’s how to be neutral. But I have found it impossible to escape.

I’ve even found that some of this pettiness is aimed at me. I don’t wear expensive clothes or shoes, my family has one car (a Subaru, nothing flashy) and we live in a modest home in the City. Yet, I have been the target of barbs about sending my daughter to private school (for the record, she’s entering public school next year), taking my kids to dance class, having a room in my house reserved for crafts and more biting, choosing to work mostly from home. In a recent conversation, my one friend turned and said, “But Kelly, you’re lucky because you don’t have to work.”

I do work, thank you very much. A lot. Don’t get me started (that’s another post for another time).

And that’s not what bothered me. What bothered me is that my habits, my choices and my spending patterns are on display as never before - simply because I’m a parent. Before children, my friends would drop $400 on a pair of shoes and not flinch while I plodded along in my Payless shoes without batting an eyelash. Nobody would ever dare mention how much any friend spent on a holiday affair nor how many hours were worked in a week. But kids? They have added a completely different element to our lives. It’s as if, now that we have children, we each have a “Judge me” sticker on our backs.

How did this happen? How did this group of smart, successful, resourceful women turn into judgmental, defensive, resentful mothers?

I’m trying to wrap my head around it.

To be clear, I understand that things change. Life happens. Nothing is static. And I knew that having children would change the dynamics of our groups in ways that I could not imagine.

I just didn’t think it would be like this.

For my first official post on This Mommy Blog, I’m going to recycle a post that I wrote about two years ago (I can see Kate rolling her eyes from here!). But really, I have a point.

Years ago when I first started blogging, I wrote about lots of things - my children included. Why? Because it is who I am.

And then the criticisms started.

And for half a second, I felt angry. And then mostly I felt sad. Sad because there is this bizarre need to put labels on people.

This post came out of those feelings.

It’s as true today as it was then. A few things have changed: I’ve gained a few pounds, added a new baby, written a few more blog posts since then and kind of parlayed “this mommy gig” into something more. But the crux of the post remains the same.

I’m very pleased to be here with these other great moms. I look forward to adding my two cents (and oh yeah, I will) on parenting, working (or not) and figuring out “this mommy gig.” Thanks for reading!

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I am a mommy blogger. Yep, it’s true, I (gasp) blog about being a mom. Somehow, that has become synonymous with anti-feminism. How did this happen?

I know, I know, I’ve posted about this before, more or less when I first started blogging. But that was over a year ago - since then, I’ve had another baby, started even more exciting projects and otherwise learned a lot. So why even bring this “mommy blog” subject up now? I saw something that bothered me. I am a member of a group of bloggers (BlogHer) and recently read a rather uneven criticism of mommy bloggers. I won’t dignify the comments by linking to them because I don’t think it serves any real purpose, but I did want to respond to them on my blog - my mommy blog.

The comments were that, more or less, the blogger was annoyed by mommy blogs because she felt that they “cheapened” serious blogs written by women “by reducing blogging by women to the mommy track, with a side of fashion and diet.” She also implied that it was antithetical to combine feminism and parenting.

I just can’t figure out where that kind of anger comes from. But we women do this kind of thing a lot, don’t we? We judge and rant to each other for the choices that we make in a way that men would never do. I read a number of blogs written by men about their families including the excellent The Long Cut (editor’s note: since on hiatus) and Laid-Off Dad and have never once heard a criticism of the “dad blogs”. Men read such things, they like them or they don’t and they move on. Why can’t women do the same? If you peg my blog or any similar blog as simply a “mommy blog” and you don’t enjoy it, feel free to move on to something more your style. I’ll be okay, really.

But more than that, it disturbs me that there is a perception that writing about family somehow cheapens “serious” blogs. I think the inference is, really, that caring about motherhood limits who you are. It most certainly does not.

First of all, those of us who are mothers are never “just” mothers. We are daughters and sisters and aunts and cousins and friends and wives. We are writers and gardeners and cooks and mechanics and knitters and historians and politicians and policy-makers and musicians and artists and entrepreneurs and volunteers. We go interesting places. We do interesting things. We meet interesting people. And some of us also work outside of the home. We have a lot going on. Why wouldn’t we want to share it in a meaningful way?

Further, the inference that raising your children somehow robs you of any real substance is insulting. The whole point of starting my blog when I did was because in raising my children, I have learned a lot more about myself and the world. I’ve learned to put things into perspective, to focus on things that are important to me. Most of all, I’ve learned that growing up is not a process that ends when you leave your parents’ house. Children make you realize that you’re not as smart as you think, or as put together as you think. There is always something more. I’m still figuring my life out - now with a twist (okay, three little twists), hence the title, Mommy Grows Up (now Lawmummy).

And what have I learned? Having my children have reminded me that I’m smart. I’m resourceful. I’m occasionally witty. I’m determined. I care about others. I’m not a quitter. As corny as it sounds, my children make me want to (to paraphrase “As Good as it Gets”) be a better person.

I love writing my lawmummy blog - it is such a huge part of who I am. Of my blogs (I contribute to several), it is the one that I enjoy writing the most and the one that is the most popular. I don’t think it “cheapens” at all the “serious” blogs that I write for my law firm: taxgirl and erblawg, one of which has recently been picked up by a professional blogging service (more on that in weeks to come).

You see, becoming a mom has not made me any less interesting, it hasn’t somehow sucked all of the knowledge about other things out of my brain. I have two post college degrees (a JD and LLM Taxation) and I still use them. I am President of our local development corporation. I volunteer for SeniorLaw Project, Philadelphia Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts, Lawyers Without Borders and more.
I’m also seeking an agent right now for a novel that I completed a month or so again (it’s a legal mystery with a little bit of romance thrown in for good measure). If anything, motherhood makes me more interesting and more well-rounded (unfortunately, really well-rounded in some areas!).

And perhaps because of my daughters, I am more acutely aware of women’s issues than ever. I have always voted and believed in a woman’s right to a quality education (so important because of my experiences in my little Southern town); I have always considered myself a feminist. But now, when I look at my daughters, having choices for women is even more important to me. I want my daughters to go to any school that they want, study any subject that they want and have any career that they want (except for, as we always say, lawyer and exotic dancer - and we’re willing to bend on exotic dancer). You see, I care even more now about ensuring and promoting the rights of women not in spite of motherhood but because of it.

So, if you don’t enjoy reading about my children, no need to stop by my blog. But you’d be remiss in thinking that my whole life is about my children, or that my children somehow limit me to “the mommy track, with a side of fashion and diet.” In addition to “mommy topics” like breastfeeding and balancing work and home, I’ve blogged about abortion, the religious right and child abuse.

You’re also wrong to think that my blogs as a mommy - and similar mommy blogs written by my peers cheapen anything. If anything, we add value. We provide a unique and important perspective that is often neglected in the media. Without us, the blogosphere would be a lot less interesting.