Yesterday, we were at a pool with some friends, who have two sons.

The parents are both the quiet, studious, orderly type. And the first son has followed in that train - his internal wiring, from birth, was a reflection of the disposition of his parents.

Not, however, his brother! Right from the get-go, this kid had wilder eyes. And as I tossed him around in the pool, it was obvious that his circuits remain wired quite differently from those of his brother. Same parents. Same upbringing. Very different wiring.

I’ve seen this countless times before. You look at the lineup of kids and say, “Yep - clearly all one family.” Then you experience the personalities and you’re left scratching your head. “How did this couple produce that??”

We do have a tremendous responsibility to shape, to mold, to instruct, to guide - but the longer we go on as parents, the more we realize that there is a layer of wiring in each child that cannot fundamentally be reversed. Some kids are astoundingly sociable. Others are quiet and hesitant. Some come into the world shaking their fist at all around them (including you, Mom or Dad!). And some insist, from early on, that they’re going to learn every lesson the hard way.

It’s the easiest thing in the world for a parent to feel guilty about how their kids are turning out. Some negligent folks probably ought to feel MORE guilty than they do! But there is a level of false guilt that can be discarded. When the sperm and egg meet, there is something magical that happens. Unique and unpredictable wiring. We may be dealt a hand that is quite unexpected. Powerboat parents may get canoe daughters, or vice-versa. Everyone ends up happier when we just learn to play with the hand we’re dealt!

My husband and daughter went camping this weekend. I had two nights and two days to myself and what did I do? I looked around the quiet house and came to this conclusion: if there is a flat surface around, we will cover it with stacks of stuff.

Tables, countertops, footstools, nightstands, dressers, even the dog crates. Everything was covered in clutter. Especially the closets.

A top article on clutter in Google search results comes from AARP’s magazine and its arthur notes:

In Dante’s Inferno there is a circle of Hell reserved for two warring armies, the Hoarders and the Wasters, who spend eternity rolling enormous boulders at each other on a desolate sun-baked plain. The boulders are actually diamonds and represent the possessions they had such unhealthy relationships with during their lives. “Why do you hord?” the Wasters shout. “Why do you waste?” the Hoarders scream back. This repeats, endlessly, joint punishment for their respective sins.

While our clutter does seem a bit hellish at times, in keeping with the rest of my life, it seems hoarding is only one of my many clutter personalities.

Organized Homes says “take aim on your household’s clutter problem by going to the root of the problem: your own thinking.” They outline four types of thinking that lead to clutter:

• The Hoarder who fears they won’t have what they need if they let go of anything.
• The Deferrer who like Scarlett O’Hara prefers to think about it tomorrow.
• The Rebel who is still mad at Mom for making them pick up their room and wash the dishes.
• The Perfectionist who must have the perfect organizer or label system before they’ll even start.

So how to tackle those things we put in between us and our clutter? Good Housekeeping has a neat online tool to help kickstart you. You use drop-down menus to select the portions of your home and room that you want to clean and it provides you with tips specific to that area.

I chose to tackle two closets during my free time this weekend. I gave in to the Perfectionist a bit and bought a few new things to help, but my Deferrer was banished and I told my Hoarder to get over it.

The rooms the closets reside in may be an even bigger mess than they were before, but boy it sure feels good to look in those hidden storage areas now.

Anyone else got the Spring cleaning bug? How do I keep the momentum going to attack the rest of the clutter?

Driving my daughter to school this morning, I heard my morning radio show discussing a new study out that says if you want your kids to be passionate about art or athletics, you need to leave them alone.

Published in the latest Journal of Personality, the study was a collaboration with scientists from the Université de Montréal, the Université du Québec à Montreal and McGill University. And, according to Yahoo! News LiveScience, the study “focused on what psychologists call autonomy, the basic need to feel like you’re acting based on your own values and desires, not those of others. Controlling parents chip away at their child’s autonomy, by pushing them into a hobby, the researchers say. So when the kid picks up his clarinet it’s not out of a desire to play music, but due to a sense of obligation or a fear of disappointing his parents.”

The morning show hosts were divided about the results, with some pointing out the benefits of parents pushing kids to stick with things like piano lessons.  As one blogger said (in a post with a title I loved - ”They Say: Leave Those Kids Alone“): ”It’s a tough balance for parents to strike. We want our kids to learn the art of perseverance. We don’t want them to quit simply because they aren’t getting their way. Often pushing them to stick with it just another game or practice allows them the chance to finally ‘get’ how to make that jump shot or master ‘Three Blind Mice.’”

Me? I had a total flashback to when I faced that decision a couple of years ago. I blogged here then about my daughter’s desire to quit piano and got a lot of great feedback from our readers.

Today, our daughter’s only extra-curricular is Girl Scouts, but we do continue to make music accessible to her by providing her with instruments to experiment on in her own play (Santa didn’t bring her the full drum set she asked for this year, but compromised with a much smaller digital drum that’s, expectedly, seen a small amount of use). She is still expressing no real passion for an instrument, but does talk about voice lessons. And, very recently, she’s begun to talk about joining a swim team, which seems like a good fit because she is such a fish in our own backyard pool.

So, as we contemplate these activities, I’ll be heading into them with good advice our readers gave me before, and now also scientific study to help me feel better about not pushing too hard. That’s the sort of balance one of the study’s author’s talks about.

“I’m not telling parents to let their kids do whatever they want without limits,” Mageau said. “The most important message is to focus on the child’s interests and not to impose one’s own on them.”

I love Lucy.

Not that Lucy. The eponymous ditzy redhead character portrayed by Lucille Ball could hardly be more different than the Lucy I’m talking about: Lucy Stone, the first recorded American woman to retain her own name after marriage.

Actually, I don’t really love this Lucy, who died 116 years ago today.

Lucy Stone, the first American woman to use a maiden name after marriage. Image: Wikipedia

Rather,  as another married woman who’s demurred from adopting a husband’s name, I hold an abiding respect and appreciation for her. And as name pioneers go, I flatter myself as a kind of 21st century cousin.

When my daughter was born a year ago, my husband and I gave her my last name. Her four-year-old brother, meanwhile, has his last name. They each have the other parent’s last name as their middle moniker. So we parents, Cari Noga and Mike Henderson, have as offspring Owen Noga Henderson and Audrey Henderson Noga.

It’s different, to be sure. We’ve fielded some flak over it, mostly well-meaning inquiries about whether we’d considered that this might confuse the kids – and, to my ears, implying that’s exactly what we’d be doing.

Au contraire, I say. Indeed, it deviates from the U.S. norm. But if the kids are raised with this as their norm, there’s no place to sow confusion.  That question is also cloaked in the patriarchal stereotypes we’re trying to shrug off. No one objected that our son would be confused because he and I didn’t share a name. So why should our daughter feel confused about not sharing one with her dad?

After a year of living with it and writing about it (my personal blog explores the anomaly of having two kids with the same, married parents but different last names. OK, and a cute-kid picture now and then. I’m only human.) I’m ready to take the next step: advocacy for name choice equality. As this Salon article from 2000 puts it, why should a baby get the father’s last name? At the very least, can we think about why it’s the automatic choice for almost everyone? Other than that it’s expected and easy, there’s no real reason.

Admittedly, it’s uphill trudging. The most generous estimates I’ve seen say that only 10 percent of American women keep their names upon marrying, making for a small pool to persuade.  But the importance of the advocacy piece was reinforced for me this summer.

In August, researchers from Indiana University and the University of Utah presented to the American Sociological Association their findings that 71 percent of Americans they surveyed believe it’s better for women to change their surname upon marriage. In addition, fully half supported government regulation requiring name change. (See UPI piece and Times of India story.)

“It was a little shocking to see,” said Laura Hamilton, one of the study authors and a Ph.D candidate at Indiana. (Read more about the study, “Mapping Gender Attitudes with Views Toward Marital Name Change” and my interview with Hamilton on my personal blog.)

Shocking, indeed, are such value judgments about what should be a woman’s private, individual choice. It’s also evidence how hard it is, even 116 years after Lucy Stone, to swim against the tide.

But, like Nemo, I’ll just keep swimming. After all, while patriarchal tradition has prevailed the last few centuries in most of the Western world, it isn’t this way everywhere. When I first broached this idea to my husband, he started doing genealogical research and found that ancient Scots – a dominant strain in his ancestry – gave daughters their mothers’ names, while sons received their fathers’. Some Native American tribes and Jewish denominations, to name some found right here in the U.S.A., practice matrilineal traditions, where one’s lineage is traced through the mother.

Let me talk about my husband’s reaction to the idea more. He’s an open-minded guy, but I wondered if this would just be too far out there.
Initially, he did hesitate, because he wanted our kids to share a last name. But I asked him to keep thinking about it. As he did, I got more invested in the idea for what I think it teaches both our kids.

We’re providing a crystal clear, living lesson of what we believe about family: Mom and dad are equally important influences in their lives.

So, from my cyber-soapbox, I make my pitch to you. Think about it a matrilineal name. Talk about it with your husband. (Or, husbands, with your wives.) Block out tradition, the questions from family members, all the white noise that obscures what really matters. Then, just do it.

The Toyota Prius

I was so lucky to sit on the Saturday afternoon keynote panel at the Type-A Mom conference. The topic was ‘Breaking the Mommy Blogger Mold’ and I was chosen because I don’t fit within the mommy blogger mold in the ‘traditional’ sense. If there is one - which was what the panel was about.

If we look at the current Mommy Blogger ‘norm’, a Mommy Blogger is a mom that writes about being a mom, parenting, her kids and, oftentimes, products that her she and her kids use as they live their lives. And then we can easily deduce that I’m not a Mommy Blogger. Because I don’t do any of those things. (Except on this lovely blog on occasion - though I still don’t think I fall into that category because I’m not ooey or gooey about it.)

I really write about writing. But I am a mom and I work in a little shed/office in my backyard so I can see my kids all day (if I want to) and if they need to see me (and I grant them access).

So, this Mom-ness (and my blogging-ness) got me a speaker spot at the Type-A Mom Conference. And it got me something else - my very own product. The best product, if you ask me.

The good, good people at Toyota gave me a conference weekend ride in the form of a gorgeous, energy efficient Prius. It was waiting for me when I got off the plane - sort of like a white horse (I think I was my own knight in shining armor in this scenario).

First of all. I want one. Of my very own. As soon as possible. Please.

Second of all. The Prius looks small, right? It isn’t. It’s kind of huge inside. It reminded me of one of the magical tents in Harry Potter - where it looked like a normal tent (or car in this case), but when you stepped inside, it had 10 rooms and at least 2 floors. The Prius isn’t quite that big, but it sure was roomy. Four of us gals fit very comfortably inside, we easily could have taken on a fifth and we had loads of room in the trunk.

Third of all. Have you been in a Hybrid? This was actually my first one, so I can’t say this across the board, but, it’s really quiet. It took some getting used to. “Is the car on?” I kept asking everyone. It was. It’s just that, in addition to its silence, you press a button to start it, you don’t put the key in the ignition - something that I’ve now come to realize tells my brain that the motor is running. Of course, the gas mileage was out of the park. I drove from Charlotte to Asheville and back (two hours each way) - plus all over Asheville in search of fantastic food - and barely used more than a tank of gas.

Fourth of all. And I know this isn’t something specific just to the Prius, or the Toyota, but it was special to me and my Prius all the same. It’s called ‘built-in GPS’. You see, in my car, I have a dinky GPS box that I plug into my car lighter. It won’t sit on the dashboard, it never listens to me and my requests and, frankly, we just don’t get along. I don’t trust that woman. But the GPS in my Prius was built-in. It lived right in the dashboard with the stereo, CD player and temperature control. It was easy to program and not at all temperamental. It took and gave directions very well. It got me everywhere I needed to go with total confidence and serenity. I didn’t need to look at a map or worry - leaving me free to enjoy the fabulous ride…

Three years ago, I was a was single, driven career girl, with an even grasp on the corporate ladder and a swing in my step.  I had a new car, a new town home condominium that was spotless with everything had its place. I shopped at Saks, had “mani-pedis “with my gal pals and relished sushi lunches with fabulous friends.  I worked out five times a week for two hours and was getting back into good shape and good health.  Dates included lingering conversations over meals and movies — as well as the occasional candy and flowers.   Give me just a minute to say, “Ahhh.”

Fast forward to today!  To start with, I am now married to a great guy.  On Friday, our little boy will be two years old.  TWO!  One…Two!  Wow, they grow so fast.   Today, I work mostly from home running my consulting business.  My husband quit his job 18 months ago to stay at home with our son  and pursue ministry work.   So, here we are together… with our ball-obsessed dog, Maggie.   Snug as bugs in a rug.  Life is very different in this new place.  Very good, and very different.

As I have chatted and tweeted, laughed and cried with my other, now married gal pals — especially the ones with children — we have come to an agreement over the nature of a few, key changes in our lives.  My dear friend, Ann, encouraged me to share some of our thoughts with you here.

The new sexy: Hubby doing dishes, laundry and then vacuuming

The new “moo-moo” Yoga pants and a hoodie

The new workout: Picking up toys

The new mop: Calling the dog to lick up mess from floor

The new clean: Dishes out of the sink, everything else stuffed in a closet

The new gourmet: Anywhere kids eat free

The new sushi: Peanut Butter and Jelly cut into triangles

The new sleeping in: 8 am = Heaven!

The new Ann Klein: “Finale Clearance” (say this with French accent)

The new splurge: Expensive shampoo and conditioner

The new mani-pedi: Taking a hot, uninterrupted shower

The new good hair day: CLEAN

The new favorite outfit: Anything that FITS

The new dress up: Wearing a bra

The new date night: Staying awake through the END of the movie

The new foreplay: Kicking off the yoga pants

The new gal bonding: Half -completed thoughts uttered in between shouts of “NO, <insert child’s name> No biting!”

The new teething ring: The dog’s ball (builds immunity)

The new promotion: Transitioning from Pampers to Pullups

The new fabulous: Absorbing each new beautiful word my son says

The new sunset: The peace that comes after bedtime

The new romance: Knowing my husband loves me — even in my yoga pants

In short, life is good.  It’s not always easy. It’s often hard work.  I’ve learned to let go of control and my own “standards” and desire for order.  But in doing so, things have developed a curious order of their own.  I have been released into a life I’d only dreamed of.   It’s a life indescribable… and one I call, “The New Happy.” Memories of the old life aside, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

(Cross-posted at UBAM Young Readers Blog)

Learning doesn’t stop at the doors of the school. Every moment of everyday provides opportunities for learning, connecting school work to life, and building knowledge and skills that will help students be successful in life after high school graduation.  Parents can help support this learning by doing simple things at home or in daily activities that children can be involved in along with parents.

The following list includes some simple steps that parents can take at home to support the knowledge and skills that students are learning in school and to help build connections between school and life.

• Encourage your children to explain their assignments and share what they are learning in school.
• Set a time and a place to do homework.  Pick a quiet place to work away from the television with adequate lighting and materials appropriate for homework (paper, pens, pencils, dictionary, etc.) Be consistent.
• Give frequent encouragement and approval for good schoolwork.
• Develop a system with your children to record when assignments are due and to organize a timeline for completing tasks.
• Share your interests in hobbies with your children and use this time as learning experiences.
• Provide children with access to printed materials, such as magazines, newspapers, and books related to their own interests and to family interests.
• Develop nighttime reading routines with children that include reading out loud, asking questions, and discussing books.
• Promote conversation at the dinner table, giving everyone a chance to talk and be heard.
• Make visits to museums, zoos, historical sites, parks, your backyard, and walks through the neighborhood into fun learning experiences for children.
• Encourage children to write letters, words, and stories.
• Set high, but realistic, standards and expectations for learning and performance, and help your children meet those expectations.
• Help children make plans for the future by talking about what they want to do when they grow up and what skills they need to achieve their goals.
• Attend college and career days at your child’s school with your children.
• Include your children in activities like developing a monthly family budget, grocery shopping, and paying monthly bills so they can apply what they are learning in school to daily tasks and life skills.
• Serve as a “life-long learner role model” by talking with your children about how you learn the knowledge and skills needed for your job or how you learn the skills necessary for managing your home and family life.

What other tips or strategies have you successfully used at home with your children to promote and support their academic learning?

Earlier this year I wrote a post on my professional blog reflecting on my fear that my 18 month old twins — who currently LOVE to read books — may someday lose that love if they encounter teachers who make reading “not fun” in school.

This is a legitimate fear and as a parent I want so desperately to do everything I can at home to create strong and avid readers who will always love reading regardless of what happens — or doesn’t happen — in their school settings.  So in keeping with the spirit of my favorite quote by Ghandi, “Be the change you wish to see in the world…”, I did what I always tend to do when presented with similar issues — I did some research.  I searched online through a variety of professional organizations for teachers and websites for parents.  I came across countless “helpful hints” and other resources.  I also discovered a GREAT way to make a little extra income (and earn free books for my own kids) by promoting some excellent children’s books.  I’ll explain that a little later in this post.

In the end I made the decision to start a new blog focused entirely on promoting reading and literacy skills in the home.  I will be doing some cross-posting between the new blog and This Mommy Gig whenever I write posts that are of the “tips & tricks” nature.  If you are interested in bi-monthly book reviews and more indepth posts that address some of the research behind the development of literacy in the home and it’s impact on student academic success, feel free to subscribe to the new blog by clicking the RSS link in the top right hand corner of the home page.

As a “teaser,” here is one of my first posts on the new blog:

How Parents Can Encourage Reading

1.  Set an example. Let your kids see you reading for pleasure.

2.  Furnish your home with a variety of reading materials. Leave books, magazines, and newspapers around.  Check to see what disappears for a clue to what interests your child.

3.  Give children an opportunity to choose their own books. When you and your children are out together, browse in a bookstore or library. Go your separate ways and make your own selections.  A bookstore gift certificate is a nice way of saying, “You choose”.

4.  Build on your child’s interests. Look for books and articles that feature their favorite sports teams, rock stars, hobbies, or TV shows.  Give a gift subscription to a special interest magazine.

5.  View pleasure reading as a value in itself. Almost anything your youngsters read–including the Sunday comics–helps build reading skills.

6.  Read some books written for children and teens. Young adult novels can give you valuable insights into the concerns and pressures felt by children and teens of all ages.  You may find that these books provide a neutral ground on which to talk about sensitive subjects.

7.  Make reading aloud a natural part of family life. Share an article you clipped from the paper, a poem, a letter, or a random page from an encyclopedia–without turning it into a lesson.

8.  Acknowledge your teen’s mature interests. Look for ways to acknowledge the emerging adult in your teens by suggesting some adult reading you think they can handle.

9.  Keep the big picture in mind. For all sorts of reasons, some children go through periods without showing much interest in reading.  Don’t panic!  Time, and a the few tips listed here, may help rekindle their interest.

If you are interested in learning more about how I am earning free books for my kids, visit this page.  It’s a great opportunity and I am only doing it passively less-than-part-time.

Reading at home with our children has a direct impact on their academic success in school.  The research is very clear on the impact of the quantity and quality of the literacy culture within one’s home.  We read daily with our children — hoping to build their literacy skills while also fostering a love for books.

What are your strategies for fostering reading and literacy with your children?