A sick child is a scary thing. As a parent, your instinct is to do whatever you can to make sure your child is safe and well and when they are sick, you are not fulfilling that duty. After your spouse or partner dies, you may have even more challenges to overcome than the feeling of worry when you can’t cure your child’s illness.

Overreacting

I have no idea what kind of parent I would have been if my first husband, Mark, hadn’t died. Or maybe just if he hadn’t died when Nicholas was only 5 months old. As it is, I can’t tell how much of any of my reactions or choices are “first time mom” choices and thoughts or are a reaction to the fact that the doctors never really knew what caused Mark to get sick and die. Because of that, I have a tendency to get overly scared when Nicholas gets sick. Especially if it involves throwing up since the doctors think vomiting contributed to Mark’s death.

So, when Nicholas gets sick, I have to stop myself from overreacting. Again, I don’t know if this is a first time mom thing, or a panic because Mark died thing, but it happens. Thankfully, it doesn’t happen as often now as it did the first year after Mark died. I think part of it was that I didn’t have anyone on-hand to bounce thoughts off of. I would often call my mother or Mark’s parents and describe sounds or looks (no, his poop is more of a chartreuse color), but it’s not the same as having someone hear and see for themselves.

I think some of the overreacting came from knowing that if Nicholas got sick, it was just me to take care of him and we’d both be exhausted. When it was just me walking the floors, remembering to give him his medication on schedule, etc., I think I would go into panic mode just knowing how hard it would be until N got better.

I can say now, when I don’t think I could have even a year ago, that part of my panic and overreacting was knowing (even subconsciously) that I would get angry with Mark for dying when Nicholas was sick. I would get mad because I needed help, I would get mad because Nicholas needed his Daddy Mark, I would get mad because Mark didn’t take care of his body and he died, I would get mad because I’d have to miss even more work, and I would get mad because I had nobody to talk me down from the panic. It took me quite a while to figure out that it was okay to be mad at Mark, and until I did, that was a big part of my worry during any of N’s illnesses.

Under Reacting

In an effort to keep from panicking over every cough, sneeze and booger, I went through a period of under reacting about every illness. I didn’t want to make N into a hypochondriac, and I didn’t want to become a mom who completely freaked out each time he got sick, so I shrugged off some colds and an ear infection before I shook myself out of that stupidity. I’m careful not to get overly worried about illnesses, but I have to be just as aware not to underestimate illness. I’m very lucky (and so is Nicholas) that nothing serious happened during my time of under reacting.

Balance

Ironically, it wasn’t until Nicholas was diagnosed with asthma right before his first birthday that I confronted this pattern of my reactions when he was sick. I can only guess that the threat of a severe asthma attack put a sniffle or a slight fever into perspective. I count myself lucky every day that Nicholas is a happy healthy child. I consider it one of my biggest goals in life to keep him that way. I think I can do it if I can just keep from panicking.