During the few months that Mark was sick and for quite a while after he died, I was amazed at the goodness in people. At the people who sent me flowers, at the people who called, at the people who sent me nail polish when I couldn’t find my favorite color, at the people who cared. I was grateful in a way I had never been grateful before. I wasn’t taking anything for granted. Now, almost four years after Mark’s death, I’m working on getting that level of gratitude back in my life.

Obvious Gratitude

It’s easy to be grateful about the obvious things like a casserole someone has brought you or someone watching your baby for an hour so you can nap or take a bath by yourself. I’m pretty good about expressing that gratitude, and even though it’s a little fuzzy, I think I even wrote thank-you notes to people for different kindnesses after Mark died. Even if those notes were in the form of e-mail.

Now the things that I should be obviously grateful for are things like a colleague who makes a couple of calls for me when they see I’m swamped, or my husband making sure that I have an hour to myself to write a post. I’m usually pretty good at both expressing my gratitude for those things and reciprocating when the chance comes.

Obscure Gratitude

I think most of the not-so-obvious moments come when you aren’t aware of them. Or you are vaguely aware of them, and they hit you in hindsight. For example, I am immensely grateful to my former boss, Christie, for the work she had to do to pick up my slack while I was either physically or mentally gone from the office. And the part I am most grateful to Christie for is that she was never anything but worried for us as friends, and I never heard a word from her about where something was or when I might be coming back or why I was sitting at my desk crying.

I’m working to be more aware of the things people do for me so that I can thank them, or at least do the same for someone else some day. I’m also working on awareness of things around me that are going well so that I can be grateful for them (the weather, my car works well, air conditioning, air conditioning, and also air conditioning).

Struggling for Gratitude

The one place I always have to struggle for gratitude is my own health and my body. If I were truly grateful for it, I would take better care of it, it’s as simple as that. I can use all the excuses I can think of (I’m going to start exercising tomorrow, I’m not that overweight, I need this 837th can of diet soda to help me stay awake) but it all boils down to my lack of gratitude for my body. Right after Mark died, I hit panic mode, and tried to get healthy so that nothing would “happen” to me and Nicholas wouldn’t be a total orphan. That lasted a few months until the complacency kicked in again.

I thought I was a grateful person, but now I know how far I’ve got to go. I’ve got a few people I really love who are fighting cancer right now. Awesome, incredible, smart, tough, I-want-to-be-them-when-I-grow-up women. They are moms and wives and daughters and they are fighting harder than anyone I’ve ever known to live good lives and enjoy every minute of their lives while fighting the disease. I’m proud to know them and I’m trying to take their attitudes and apply it to my life.

I’m trying to be grateful that I can get up in the morning without being sick, that I can feel an ache in my hip and know it’s because I need to get fit and not because there may be a tumor in my bone, that I can pull my hair back in a clip. I’m also trying to be grateful for movies, music, books, blogs, art, friends, ripe nectarines, naps and time. And I’m trying to do it in the matter-of-fact way that those people I really respect do it. There is no show of “look how grateful and evolved I am!” They are just aware of all of their blessings (and yes, the crap they are going through too), and are happy to have them.

Forever Grateful

I hope I can say with some truthfulness that I don’t take the most important things for granted. I am aware of how spectacular my child, my husband, my family, my colleagues, my country are. I am also aware of and grateful for the time I had with Mark. I hope that I can use my own example and always be grateful for those people and things while trying my hardest to become more aware and grateful of all of the other spectacular things I am and I have.

This is a cross-post from Type-A Mom and Paper, Scissors, Keyboard

Maybe it’s a rite of passage - for both toddlers and their parents. The tantrum. Our usually-darling child turns into a savage beast creating chaos in his wake.

My friend’s daughter threw such out-of-control tantrums that it was all my friend could do to keep her daughter from hurting herself. My sister’s son takes it out on his little brother, turning around to push the “other” toddler if he doesn’t get his way. Braxton’s latest trick? throwing himself on his knees… hard… on the wood floor. Braxton’s tantrums drive me to the edge of sanity and my partner and I find ourselves stressed out at each other after a particularly difficult bout.

First of all, I am no expert. But, I recently did a bunch of research to help me learn to handle Braxton’s tantrums in a more positive, constructive way than giving in or losing my own temper. And since I did the research, I figured I might as well and open it up to This Mommy Gig community to share their own strategies.

Why Tantrums?

A toddler’s life up to this point has been a charmed one. He’s hungry? He eats. Wet diaper? It’s changed. Tired? He’s able to sleep at will. This is our job as a parent to cater to our baby’s every need and bend over backward to make sure they feel safe and loved. When it comes time to help our children understand how to manage this free will that they’ve developed, it can be overwhelming a difficult transition.

According to Dr. Kenneth Condrell a child psychologist and resident expert at Fisher-Price this transition can take a while.

“While he learns how to tolerate frustration, there will be many temper tantrums. Sometimes during these temper tantrums, the toddler will fall to the floor and bang his head. Sometimes, he will pull his hair and spit. Sometimes he will kick his feet, or throw things—or throw up. All of this is normal…of course, it’s also trying on the toddler’s parents.”

As moms, we see this all the time, right? It’s clear that our child is developing a real sense of self and what he wants. But his communication skills haven’t kept pace. I’d be frustrated to! I’ve thrown tantrums for lesser reasons that that.

What to do?

Most experts agree that there are two types of tantrums, manipulative and frustrated.

Dr. Sears has this suggestion:

“If you feel that your child is using tantrums as a tool to get his own way, give him verbal cues and use body language that says you don’t do tantrums. Be aware that toddlers know how to push their parents’ buttons. If you are a volatile person, it’ll be easy for your child to trigger an explosion from you, ending in a screaming match with no winners. You send a clear message when you ignore his fits or walk away. This teaches him that tantrums are not acceptable. This is part of toddler discipline.”

I’d like to think I could always tell the difference, but I can’t.

However, most tantrums come from frustration and require empathy. As with everything in parenting, everyone has an opinion about what to do. Here are some of the tips I found most helpful:

Identify the Trigger: Toddlers seems to melt down at the times that it’s least convenient for us. But it’s often those very circumstances that lead to frustration. Dr. Sears suggests keeping a “tantrum diary.”

Dr. Spock says to ask yourself some basic questions to see if you’re doing what you can to avoid tantrums. (does your kiddo have enough outside play time? are there things to push, pull and climb? do you “set him up” by scheduling demanding activities at a time when he’s likely to be hungry or tired? when you see a storm brewing, do you distract him to something else?)

Prevent & Plan Ahead: Go to the supermarket when you’re both well rested and fed and let your toddler be your helper (Dr. Sears). If you know the triggers, you can help distract, prevent or avoid the tantrums all together.

The little person in your life if figuring out how to be an independent being. Give him choices when you can will help give a sense of control (BabyCenter)

Stay Cool: There’s no way around it, tantrums are embarrassing. Even if you feel trapped and embarrassed, don’t lash out. You need to stay in control. If you need to, take him to the bathroom or the car or another quiet spot to calm down (Dr. Sears).

The emotion that your darling toddler is exhibiting can be frightening and overwhelming to him, too. Some experts say to comfort him by holding him, others say to ignore the tantrum until he calms down. Regardless, don’t abandon him by storming off to the other room and figure out the approach that works (BabyCenter).

Verbalize: Move to your tot’s level and say the things that he can’t say. Ex: “You’re mad at mommy because you can’t have candy” (Dr. Sears). Speak in short sentences and acknowledge their emotions (Dr. Harvey Karp via LiveScience)

Overall, try to ease up and choose your battles. If you find yourself saying “no!” all the time, you might be putting undue stress on both of you. (Braxton’s favorite saying right now, which he delivers in a mocking tone is: “no! stop it!”… that’s probably a sign). And there are times to talk to your doctor, too. According to BabyCenter, if your child is over 30 months and having major tantrums every day or under 30 months and not cooperating with any routines. Follow your gut.

And…if all else fails, you can buy the Tula Tantrum Tamer, a “native remedy” that says it reduces the frequency and severity of tantrums and helps children become more “amenable to compromise and discipline.” Huh. Well, there you go!

Seriously, I’d love to hear what This Mommy Gig community thinks. What’s worked for you? What hasn’t?

photo by Jenn_Jenn via Flickr