If you have read my articles or my personal blog, you know that I love to scrapbook. I originally started collecting scrapbook supplies when I was pregnant with my older son, Nicholas. My friend had done a book each for her daughters and I loved the idea, so she got me started with some basic supplies. And then being pregnant sort of took over everything, and then having a newborn took over anything that was left. Despite gathering supplies, I didn’t really start to scrapbook until after Mark died.

A small part of the reason I started scrapping after Mark died was because I was trying to hard to keep my mind occupied after Nicholas fell asleep and I was alone in our apartment. There are only so many people you can call in the middle of the night before they fall asleep on you. The biggest reason I started scrapping after Mark died was because I was scared I would forget him. I latched on to scrapbooking as a way to “save” Mark for Nicholas.

That is one of the reasons I was so intrigued when I read about the Good Grief Blog recently. The purpose of the blog is “a scrapbooking journey through loss and healing.” If you scrapbook or have ever seen someone else’s scrapbooks, you know how effectively the craft captures stories and memories. If you scrap like I do, the journalling or storytelling part of the process often comes before the corresponding photos. To me, the memories are best captured through the journalling, and writing has always been my best therapy.

The layouts on the Good Grief Blog are beautiful and the stories are touching. Amanda Probst started the Good Grief Blog after her father died in a farming accident. I recently talked with Amanda about scrapping, grief and her blog.

Sherry Carr-Smith: Why did you start the Good Grief Blog?

Amanda Probst: I started the Good Grief Blog for two reasons. First, it helps me. I’m one of those people who really benefits from deadlines, so challenges are awesome motivation. Through the challenges on the blog, I hope to continue to push myself to scrapbook about my dad and am stoked that I’ll get to share that journey with others…and be inspired by the fabulous contributors there.

My second reason for starting the Good Grief Blog is that I truly believe that this is what my dad would want. He’d want me to live my life and remember him in this way, not dwell on what could have been. I feel like this is his message that he wants me to share, and I’ve always trusted my dad.

SCS: Why do you think scrapbooking helps with grief?

AP: I think that grief is such a very personal thing. For me, though, scrapbooking is a therapeutic outlet for my grief. Through it, I can work through things I especially miss, things I wish could be different, things I want to remember. I am also able to document and celebrate my dad’s life so that my sons won’t completely miss out on knowing their Papa. Basically, it gives me the power to actually “do” something rather than just dwell on my sadness.

SCS: How do you suggest people capture memories?

AP: I suggest people capture memories in whatever way works best for them. That’s kinda the point. It has to work for you, not for everyone else. I’d also suggest taking it one memory at a time. It’s easy to become overwhelmed and I know many people steer away from scrapbooking about lost loved ones for that very reason. By taking it one memory at a time, though, it all seems more doable. For me, taking it slowly like this actually makes me feel like my dad is still with me for even longer as I continue to tell his story. It’s not something I’m in a hurry to “finish” because then his story would be done, if that makes any sense.

SCS: Do you see people scrapbook about the moment of a loved one’s passing?

AP: This isn’t one of the topics we’ve covered as of yet on the Good Grief Blog, though I can envision it being a strong challenge. This one, in particular, would be a very emotional layout…one that not every one is willing to face just yet.

SCS: Anything else you think would be helpful to encourage widowed parents to capture memories either through scrapbooking or other means?

AP: Mostly, through the blog, I’ve found that so many women write to me to thank me for one of two things…showing them that they’re not alone and/or showing them that scrapbooking about loss can actually make them feel reconnected with that lost loved one. More than anything, I truly believe that sharing your loved one’s story is one of the best ways to keep his/her spirit alive.

Looking through the Good Grief Blog has encouraged me to work more on Mark’s story in scrapbook form. There are several pages in Nicholas’ first book about Mark, unfortunately, those are the only photos we have of them together. The challenges Amanda’s blog poses will help me find ways I can talk about Mark for Nicholas and save pieces of him for both of us.

I hope you all take a moment to look at the Good Grief Blog and possibly take up the challenge of scrapping (or writing or painting) about your lost one.

During the few months that Mark was sick and for quite a while after he died, I was amazed at the goodness in people. At the people who sent me flowers, at the people who called, at the people who sent me nail polish when I couldn’t find my favorite color, at the people who cared. I was grateful in a way I had never been grateful before. I wasn’t taking anything for granted. Now, almost four years after Mark’s death, I’m working on getting that level of gratitude back in my life.

Obvious Gratitude

It’s easy to be grateful about the obvious things like a casserole someone has brought you or someone watching your baby for an hour so you can nap or take a bath by yourself. I’m pretty good about expressing that gratitude, and even though it’s a little fuzzy, I think I even wrote thank-you notes to people for different kindnesses after Mark died. Even if those notes were in the form of e-mail.

Now the things that I should be obviously grateful for are things like a colleague who makes a couple of calls for me when they see I’m swamped, or my husband making sure that I have an hour to myself to write a post. I’m usually pretty good at both expressing my gratitude for those things and reciprocating when the chance comes.

Obscure Gratitude

I think most of the not-so-obvious moments come when you aren’t aware of them. Or you are vaguely aware of them, and they hit you in hindsight. For example, I am immensely grateful to my former boss, Christie, for the work she had to do to pick up my slack while I was either physically or mentally gone from the office. And the part I am most grateful to Christie for is that she was never anything but worried for us as friends, and I never heard a word from her about where something was or when I might be coming back or why I was sitting at my desk crying.

I’m working to be more aware of the things people do for me so that I can thank them, or at least do the same for someone else some day. I’m also working on awareness of things around me that are going well so that I can be grateful for them (the weather, my car works well, air conditioning, air conditioning, and also air conditioning).

Struggling for Gratitude

The one place I always have to struggle for gratitude is my own health and my body. If I were truly grateful for it, I would take better care of it, it’s as simple as that. I can use all the excuses I can think of (I’m going to start exercising tomorrow, I’m not that overweight, I need this 837th can of diet soda to help me stay awake) but it all boils down to my lack of gratitude for my body. Right after Mark died, I hit panic mode, and tried to get healthy so that nothing would “happen” to me and Nicholas wouldn’t be a total orphan. That lasted a few months until the complacency kicked in again.

I thought I was a grateful person, but now I know how far I’ve got to go. I’ve got a few people I really love who are fighting cancer right now. Awesome, incredible, smart, tough, I-want-to-be-them-when-I-grow-up women. They are moms and wives and daughters and they are fighting harder than anyone I’ve ever known to live good lives and enjoy every minute of their lives while fighting the disease. I’m proud to know them and I’m trying to take their attitudes and apply it to my life.

I’m trying to be grateful that I can get up in the morning without being sick, that I can feel an ache in my hip and know it’s because I need to get fit and not because there may be a tumor in my bone, that I can pull my hair back in a clip. I’m also trying to be grateful for movies, music, books, blogs, art, friends, ripe nectarines, naps and time. And I’m trying to do it in the matter-of-fact way that those people I really respect do it. There is no show of “look how grateful and evolved I am!” They are just aware of all of their blessings (and yes, the crap they are going through too), and are happy to have them.

Forever Grateful

I hope I can say with some truthfulness that I don’t take the most important things for granted. I am aware of how spectacular my child, my husband, my family, my colleagues, my country are. I am also aware of and grateful for the time I had with Mark. I hope that I can use my own example and always be grateful for those people and things while trying my hardest to become more aware and grateful of all of the other spectacular things I am and I have.

This is a cross-post from Type-A Mom and Paper, Scissors, Keyboard

I thought we had the labels pretty well defined, Daddy Mark is the daddy in Heaven and Daddy is the daddy here. My son, Nicholas had just turned 2 when William (a.k.a Daddy) and I started dating and we’ve been married a couple of months now. Nicholas will turn 4 tomorrow, and suddenly the ease of knowing the difference between the two daddys is sliding a bit.

We’ve had confusion about Daddy Mark in the past year. We have photos up in N’s room of Daddy Mark holding N,

Daddy Mark & Nicholas

and there are two particular photos that N is fascinated with. They are both of Mark holding N just after delivery (see right), and N loves for me to tell him about his birth. For a while, N would get confused between his birth story and the story of Mark’s time in the hospital when he died. N thought that the picture of Mark and him was when “Daddy Mark was so sick in the hospital that the doctors couldn’t make his body better.” I spent quite a bit of time explaining the difference in why we were in the hospital for N’s birth and why Mark was in the hospital when he was sick. Nicholas seems to get it for the most part, but is still confused about it sometimes.

William and I began referring to him as “Daddy” after we got engaged. Nicholas didn’t seem to have any trouble with the transition (I’m sure it helped that he wasn’t quite 3 yet), and William has been Daddy ever since. In the past three or four months though, Nicholas has referred to William as “Pretend” Daddy a few times. When asked what he meant, Nicholas said, “Daddy is Pretend Daddy and God is the Real Daddy.” And who can argue with that. We had a brief discussion about how God created us all and so he is parent to all of us but that doesn’t make Daddy pretend Daddy or Mommy pretend Mommy. I should have known that wouldn’t be the end of it.

Now Nicholas is saying that when Daddy Mark gets better, Daddy won’t be his real daddy any more and that will make Nicholas sad. I think part of this stems from the conversations we’ve had where I told him I believe that Daddy Mark is healthy and happy in Heaven and his body isn’t sick any longer. But who knows, Nicholas could be making this up from whole cloth.

Daddy & N

I probably wouldn’t think too much about it, and just keep reinforcing that William is Daddy and that Daddy Mark is in Heaven, but I know it’s painful for William. I try to help him see that it’s not a preference or judgment on him as a father, that N is just confused; but, I can see how it would hurt. William is N’s Daddy, and nobody who sees them together would doubt it.

Any thoughts on where you think the origin of the confusion might be? Do you think there is a better phrase for Mark? Is it confusing for N to have two daddys? I would love to hear what you think!

*Photo of Daddy and N courtesy of Rebel With A Camera.

Pity Party

It’s my birthday. It’s not a monumental birthday like 21, 40, or 65. It’s just a regular ‘between’ birthday. You can’t even find a cute or raunchy card for this birthday, but it’s my birthday just the same. And since it’s my birthday, I am throwing myself a pity party.

Aging starts off slow. You go to bed one night perpetually twenty-one-years old, then you wake up and your birthday suit doesn’t quite fit anymore. It’s subtle at first – a little droop here, a little sag there. Then comes the day you knock yourself out while brushing your teeth, because the fat under your arm swings up and hits you in the face.

I decide on this birthday that I will do something about the flab under my arms – not to mention the flab on my tummy and the flab on my thighs. I have friends who wake up at 5:00 in the morning, every morning, and go for a run, do sit-ups, or head to the gym. They are my inspiration. They are female warriors. I decide I want to be like them.

It’s now the next morning; my alarm goes off at 5:00 a.m.  I decide my friends are insane. I go back to sleep thinking my body is perfectly fine the way it is. Happy Birthday to me.

Spa Retreat

I spend the weekend at a famous spa. We are supposed to keep a diary of our ‘output’ as our bodies begin the cleansing process. My first journal entry reads, “This is a bunch of crap.” I am asked to contribute positive energy or leave.

Pity Party Part II

I’m at the pharmacy staring at the vast selection of skincare. A young man asks me what type of lotion I am looking for. “The one that will make me look like Catherine Zeta Jones,” I tell him. For some reason, he thinks I’m joking.

Spa Retreat Part II

We are supposed to give each other goddess names. I call the woman next to me, “Goddess of No Deodorant.” I am asked to contribute positive energy or leave.

Pity Party Part III

Mirrors now upset me so I try to avoid them.  I prefer my reflection in a window. I look good in a window reflection. I look perpetually twenty-one-years old in a window reflection. Soon I’ll prefer my image in the door of our stainless steel fridge. By the time I am sixty, I will be checking my lipstick with a non-stick frying pan.

Spa Retreat Part III

I order wine at dinner but I am told there is no alcohol at this spa. I get up and leave. 

Maybe it’s a rite of passage - for both toddlers and their parents. The tantrum. Our usually-darling child turns into a savage beast creating chaos in his wake.

My friend’s daughter threw such out-of-control tantrums that it was all my friend could do to keep her daughter from hurting herself. My sister’s son takes it out on his little brother, turning around to push the “other” toddler if he doesn’t get his way. Braxton’s latest trick? throwing himself on his knees… hard… on the wood floor. Braxton’s tantrums drive me to the edge of sanity and my partner and I find ourselves stressed out at each other after a particularly difficult bout.

First of all, I am no expert. But, I recently did a bunch of research to help me learn to handle Braxton’s tantrums in a more positive, constructive way than giving in or losing my own temper. And since I did the research, I figured I might as well and open it up to This Mommy Gig community to share their own strategies.

Why Tantrums?

A toddler’s life up to this point has been a charmed one. He’s hungry? He eats. Wet diaper? It’s changed. Tired? He’s able to sleep at will. This is our job as a parent to cater to our baby’s every need and bend over backward to make sure they feel safe and loved. When it comes time to help our children understand how to manage this free will that they’ve developed, it can be overwhelming a difficult transition.

According to Dr. Kenneth Condrell a child psychologist and resident expert at Fisher-Price this transition can take a while.

“While he learns how to tolerate frustration, there will be many temper tantrums. Sometimes during these temper tantrums, the toddler will fall to the floor and bang his head. Sometimes, he will pull his hair and spit. Sometimes he will kick his feet, or throw things—or throw up. All of this is normal…of course, it’s also trying on the toddler’s parents.”

As moms, we see this all the time, right? It’s clear that our child is developing a real sense of self and what he wants. But his communication skills haven’t kept pace. I’d be frustrated to! I’ve thrown tantrums for lesser reasons that that.

What to do?

Most experts agree that there are two types of tantrums, manipulative and frustrated.

Dr. Sears has this suggestion:

“If you feel that your child is using tantrums as a tool to get his own way, give him verbal cues and use body language that says you don’t do tantrums. Be aware that toddlers know how to push their parents’ buttons. If you are a volatile person, it’ll be easy for your child to trigger an explosion from you, ending in a screaming match with no winners. You send a clear message when you ignore his fits or walk away. This teaches him that tantrums are not acceptable. This is part of toddler discipline.”

I’d like to think I could always tell the difference, but I can’t.

However, most tantrums come from frustration and require empathy. As with everything in parenting, everyone has an opinion about what to do. Here are some of the tips I found most helpful:

Identify the Trigger: Toddlers seems to melt down at the times that it’s least convenient for us. But it’s often those very circumstances that lead to frustration. Dr. Sears suggests keeping a “tantrum diary.”

Dr. Spock says to ask yourself some basic questions to see if you’re doing what you can to avoid tantrums. (does your kiddo have enough outside play time? are there things to push, pull and climb? do you “set him up” by scheduling demanding activities at a time when he’s likely to be hungry or tired? when you see a storm brewing, do you distract him to something else?)

Prevent & Plan Ahead: Go to the supermarket when you’re both well rested and fed and let your toddler be your helper (Dr. Sears). If you know the triggers, you can help distract, prevent or avoid the tantrums all together.

The little person in your life if figuring out how to be an independent being. Give him choices when you can will help give a sense of control (BabyCenter)

Stay Cool: There’s no way around it, tantrums are embarrassing. Even if you feel trapped and embarrassed, don’t lash out. You need to stay in control. If you need to, take him to the bathroom or the car or another quiet spot to calm down (Dr. Sears).

The emotion that your darling toddler is exhibiting can be frightening and overwhelming to him, too. Some experts say to comfort him by holding him, others say to ignore the tantrum until he calms down. Regardless, don’t abandon him by storming off to the other room and figure out the approach that works (BabyCenter).

Verbalize: Move to your tot’s level and say the things that he can’t say. Ex: “You’re mad at mommy because you can’t have candy” (Dr. Sears). Speak in short sentences and acknowledge their emotions (Dr. Harvey Karp via LiveScience)

Overall, try to ease up and choose your battles. If you find yourself saying “no!” all the time, you might be putting undue stress on both of you. (Braxton’s favorite saying right now, which he delivers in a mocking tone is: “no! stop it!”… that’s probably a sign). And there are times to talk to your doctor, too. According to BabyCenter, if your child is over 30 months and having major tantrums every day or under 30 months and not cooperating with any routines. Follow your gut.

And…if all else fails, you can buy the Tula Tantrum Tamer, a “native remedy” that says it reduces the frequency and severity of tantrums and helps children become more “amenable to compromise and discipline.” Huh. Well, there you go!

Seriously, I’d love to hear what This Mommy Gig community thinks. What’s worked for you? What hasn’t?

photo by Jenn_Jenn via Flickr