During the few months that Mark was sick and for quite a while after he died, I was amazed at the goodness in people. At the people who sent me flowers, at the people who called, at the people who sent me nail polish when I couldn’t find my favorite color, at the people who cared. I was grateful in a way I had never been grateful before. I wasn’t taking anything for granted. Now, almost four years after Mark’s death, I’m working on getting that level of gratitude back in my life.

Obvious Gratitude

It’s easy to be grateful about the obvious things like a casserole someone has brought you or someone watching your baby for an hour so you can nap or take a bath by yourself. I’m pretty good about expressing that gratitude, and even though it’s a little fuzzy, I think I even wrote thank-you notes to people for different kindnesses after Mark died. Even if those notes were in the form of e-mail.

Now the things that I should be obviously grateful for are things like a colleague who makes a couple of calls for me when they see I’m swamped, or my husband making sure that I have an hour to myself to write a post. I’m usually pretty good at both expressing my gratitude for those things and reciprocating when the chance comes.

Obscure Gratitude

I think most of the not-so-obvious moments come when you aren’t aware of them. Or you are vaguely aware of them, and they hit you in hindsight. For example, I am immensely grateful to my former boss, Christie, for the work she had to do to pick up my slack while I was either physically or mentally gone from the office. And the part I am most grateful to Christie for is that she was never anything but worried for us as friends, and I never heard a word from her about where something was or when I might be coming back or why I was sitting at my desk crying.

I’m working to be more aware of the things people do for me so that I can thank them, or at least do the same for someone else some day. I’m also working on awareness of things around me that are going well so that I can be grateful for them (the weather, my car works well, air conditioning, air conditioning, and also air conditioning).

Struggling for Gratitude

The one place I always have to struggle for gratitude is my own health and my body. If I were truly grateful for it, I would take better care of it, it’s as simple as that. I can use all the excuses I can think of (I’m going to start exercising tomorrow, I’m not that overweight, I need this 837th can of diet soda to help me stay awake) but it all boils down to my lack of gratitude for my body. Right after Mark died, I hit panic mode, and tried to get healthy so that nothing would “happen” to me and Nicholas wouldn’t be a total orphan. That lasted a few months until the complacency kicked in again.

I thought I was a grateful person, but now I know how far I’ve got to go. I’ve got a few people I really love who are fighting cancer right now. Awesome, incredible, smart, tough, I-want-to-be-them-when-I-grow-up women. They are moms and wives and daughters and they are fighting harder than anyone I’ve ever known to live good lives and enjoy every minute of their lives while fighting the disease. I’m proud to know them and I’m trying to take their attitudes and apply it to my life.

I’m trying to be grateful that I can get up in the morning without being sick, that I can feel an ache in my hip and know it’s because I need to get fit and not because there may be a tumor in my bone, that I can pull my hair back in a clip. I’m also trying to be grateful for movies, music, books, blogs, art, friends, ripe nectarines, naps and time. And I’m trying to do it in the matter-of-fact way that those people I really respect do it. There is no show of “look how grateful and evolved I am!” They are just aware of all of their blessings (and yes, the crap they are going through too), and are happy to have them.

Forever Grateful

I hope I can say with some truthfulness that I don’t take the most important things for granted. I am aware of how spectacular my child, my husband, my family, my colleagues, my country are. I am also aware of and grateful for the time I had with Mark. I hope that I can use my own example and always be grateful for those people and things while trying my hardest to become more aware and grateful of all of the other spectacular things I am and I have.

This is a cross-post from Type-A Mom and Paper, Scissors, Keyboard

Sherry Carr Deer is a Mommy to Nicholas who just turned 3, fiance to William, the widow of Mark, and a PR professional at a non-profit hospital. You can read more of her posts here.  

Before we were even pregnant with our son, my late husband and I talked about manners and how we would teach them to any children we had. One of my pet peeves is rude people. There is just no reason for it, and it bugs me to no end.

After Mark died, I had many occasions when I wondered if he didn’t know that he wouldn’t be here to help raise Nicholas. One of those occasions was a list Mark made of things he wanted Nicholas to know or do or love. One of those items was to be respectful of people and have good manners (we both thought that was the point of having good manners, to show people you respect them).

So, I’ve been noticing lately that the manners are starting to kick in with Nicholas. He’s been saying, “Please” and “Thank You” for a while now after William and I have asked him to. But, now I’ve been seeing him making the connection. When someone does something for Nicholas, or he needs something, he says thank you and asks nicely. After his 3rd birthday party a few weeks ago, after he opened his gifts, he shouted, “Thank you for my presents and for coming to my party!” We are having to tell him, though, that just because he asks nicely for things, doesn’t mean he’ll get them.

Nicholas recently started daycare after having been with a Nanny his first year and his grandparents his second year. The staff at the daycare comments on not only what a nice boy he is, but also how polite he is. He’s aware of the need to share (even if he doesn’t want to), and is appreciative of people (as much as a 3 year old is).

Yes, it’s a point of pride for me that my son is well mannered. But it’s also a lot of work. We were talking at work the other day about some family visiting a coworker. She was bothered by having to tell her nephew to greet his grandmother when she walked in the house and having to tell him to help his grandmother to the car. We all talked about the constant vigilance it takes to make sure that your child is aware of the many ways you are polite and respectful to people. My co-workers with teenagers talked about how, often, those manner don’t show up as consistantly at home, but that they are told how good their children are by other people. There could be worse things people could say about your kids!

Last night when I gave Nicholas his vitamin, he looked at me with his sweet smile and said, “Mommy, thank you for buying me Scooby Doo bone vitamins.” I will have to remember these sweet manners when he’s a teenager who is a jerk at home, but well-mannered toward other people.

In our rushed and stressful culture, there is still a need for courtesy, kindness, and good manners.

Children should learn at a very early age, that certain situations require certain behaviors.

Listening without interrupting, following directions and respecting property are important concepts that can be introduced and reinforced at home long before they are necessary in a classroom setting.

Family game nights and casual play dates are the time to stress sharing, taking turns, and playing well with others.

Dining out presents different challenges. Even in a fast-food emporium, little ones should understand that excessive noise and throwing items is not O.K. Restaurant dinners with an extended family group don’t have to be an ordeal if adults plan ahead. I always packed a small snack (Cheerios or crackers) and a book or paper & crayons to help my kids cope with the long wait between ordering and eating. My husband and I agreed ahead of time how to handle over-excited or over-tired toddlers. Usually one of us would go outside to soothe a son or daughter who’d had enough of grown-up conversation.

Once our children were older, we set some “Dining with Grandparents” ground rules. For my son: no baseball caps, since the sight of men and boys wearing hats while eating really offends Grandma. For my daughter: a loose dress code. She didn’t have to suffer in “fancy” clothes, just appear in neater versions of her everyday wear. Grandpa had his own rule: children could order whatever they wanted from the menu, as long as they ate it [which is how all of the grandkids acquired an early taste for Lobster tails!]

It’s true that the world is changing and our concept of “good manners” is changing with it. But there will always a place for consideration and tact. In the home, in the school, in the business world, you still need to mind your manners.