My dearest wife,

After a rather long flight, I’ve arrived safely at my hotel and have registered for the conference. As much as I’m looking forward to seeing old colleagues and learning the newest advancements in medical procedures, I miss you and the kids immensely. When you have a moment, send me an email and let me know how everyone is doing.

Your loving husband

My loving husband,

How nice to hear from you. I’m sure the flight from Boston to Palm Beach was tedious. Who can sit for three hours merely reading or playing cards? Not me! If I’m not stopping a child from scratching FART FACE into our Mahogany dining room table while picking dog food out of the piano, well, then I’m just not happy. I do hope you survived the monotony.

Your dearest wife

***

My dearest wife,

The conference is moving along at a snail’s pace. I can’t wait to come home. Please tell the children I love them and that the expression now residing in our dining room table is unacceptable language.

Your loving husband

My loving husband,

I am disheartened to hear the conference is moving so slowly. Perhaps things would speed up if the attendees got off the golf course? But that’s just a suggestion. I’m no doctor! Thanks for the parental advice regarding said expression. Will hand child a Thesaurus the next time he picks up a carving knife.

Your dearest wife

***

My dearest wife,

I’m sensing an edge to your emails. Perhaps a five-day conference is too long for me to be away. It’s awfully hot here anyway. I’ll make arrangements to return home earlier than planned.

Your loving husband

My loving husband,

Please do not interrupt your glorified tanning session on my account. There’s no need to rush home, partly because we no longer have one. The children took great pleasure in igniting Sparky, our Bichon Frise, to see if the pooch could live up to his name (he did). In our zeal to race Sparky to the sink, we failed to extinguish the sparks creeping up the living room curtains. Well, before you could say, “My good-for-nothing husband is spending the week in Palm Beach” the entire house was engulfed in flames. Talk about your warm temperatures! Please direct all further emails to the shelter at Lexington and Broad.

Your dearest wife

***

My dearest wife,

I am indebted to your quick thinking in times of an emergency. Thank goodness our family is safe. Did you happen to grab my green cashmere sweater on the way out?

Your loving husband

My loving husband,

Was not able to escape with three children, two dogs and one green cashmere sweater – something had to be left behind. Went back to see if I could find it in the rubble. Only discovered a VHS tape of you in bed with our neighbor Mary. Remind me to tell her she needs to spend more time on the treadmill. Please direct all future correspondence to our attorney who still hasn’t forgiven you for the bad investment tip you gave him at last year’s Christmas party.

Your dearest and most adaptable wife

Zen Mother is TMG’s new irreverent humor columnist. She also provides *cough* advice. Do you have a question or topic for Zen Mother? She’d love to hear from you. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Nicholas is starting to differentiate between girl stuff and boy stuff (purses are for girls, cars are for boys).  I really hate making any kind of assignments for gender (especially to things that I would love for him to play with or do) and it bugs me when I find myself doing it. There are some things that I am finding are total boy things where he is concerned.

Peeing standing up

I was really sweating this one when we first started potty training. I mean, it’s not like I can show him how to do that in any real way. Thankfully, my fiance, William, took over the “peeing standing up” lessons. Seriously, this is one of the first things I thought of after Mark died, “Who is going to teach N to pee standing up?!?”

I think that some of it must be instinctive though, as Nicholas was arching his little back and pointing aiming at the toilet from pretty early on in the potty training process.  On a side note, I think he must have seen one of the construction guys around here peeing outside because there is a certain part of the yard that, for several months, he insisted on “peeing” at each time he passed it (he would go to the spot, spread his little legs, tell me he had to pee and arched his little back). Weird.

Baseball

Here is where my own gender bias comes in. I played basketball in school and have never been a big fan of baseball or football. Just not my sports, but I’m aware that there are many rabid fans who are women. Shoot, one of my grandmothers was such a huge baseball fan that we played “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” at her funeral. Anyway, Mark was a huge Astros fan, and since I don’t particularly care for the sport, I think of it as a “boy” thing. Here’s my problem: I want Nicholas to love the sport as much as his Daddy Mark did, I don’t like the sport much, know nothing about it, and William doesn’t like baseball. My solution? My friend, Jeremy, has been assigned baseball duty with Nicholas. He is an Astros fan, he knows how important the ‘Stros were to Mark, and he folows the sport/team. He’s my go-to guy for teaching N about baseball and the Astros. Crisis averted. I hope.

Women

Okay, I know this isn’t really a “boy” thing I need to teach Nicholas, but I am really hoping to raise a son who loves women, respects women, and surrounds himself with quality women (both friends and partners). Maybe this isn’t a traditional boy thing to teach him, but I feel as a woman it’s my responsibility to teach him the finer points of the female mind. Do open doors for them, do use manners and be polite, do take it slow with a woman romantically and allow them to dictate the pace as much as possible. Don’t assume a woman is bad with numbers or math. Don’t blame anything on PMS, even if she’s brought it up first. It will only lead to badness.

What “boy” stuff have you come across? What gender assignments have your kids made that you’ve been surprised by? What about your own gender assignments?  What do you wish your spouse or partner knew or did as a man?

Sherry Carr Deer is a Mommy to 3-year-old Nicholas, fiance to William, the widow of Mark, and a PR professional at a non-profit hospital.

Have you ever been in the midst of life as you know it, and all of a sudden, something about your normal, everyday life rubs you the wrong way? This happened to me the other day when I came to the realization that, when my husband, I and our two boys are all at home, it is automatically assumed that I am the primary person responsible for the children.

If my husband has to go off to do work, run an errand or catch a game he’s been looking forward to on TV, he’ll simply say, “I have to go…,” and be on his way. If I have something that I want to do or need to accomplish that is not child-related, then there is the understanding that I need to give him notice at least a few hours (or even a day) in advance. Because of this, I usually end up putting extra work hours in at night after the boys are in bed, rather than “inconveniencing” my husband when the boys are awake.

I brought this observation to my husband’s attention the other night, and how did he respond when I asked why it was that I had to give him advanced warning while he could go off and do work, run an errand or watch the game at the drop of a hat? He said, “… because you’re the woman.”

Now, before all the women reading this get too red in the face with anger (because I would too), just a couple days before this conversation – when we were talking about ridding our yard of leaves – he tried to propose that I do it. When he asked me why it’s just assumed he’ll do it, sick and tired of having to answer the question of “Why?” all day to my two young boys, I simply said, “Because you’re the man.” Touché.

When all is said and done, this really is not an “I hate my husband” post or anything even remotely close to it. It’s not entirely his fault I’ve fallen into the role of primary caregiver when we’re all at home, as well as the primary bread winner (at least while he finishes up his PhD). In fact, I’m sure, subconsciously, I played a big part in ensuring things are just as they are. I simply feel like, now, I’m living my life each day with eyes wide open – realizing the crucial role I play as mother, wife and professional, and how working mothers truly are the most talented jugglers of them all.

Kristen Keller lives in New Jersey with her two young boys, husband and two dogs. In an effort to obtain the perfect work-life balance, Kristen works part-time out of her home office as an independent public relations consultant and spends the rest of her time striving to give her children the same wonderful childhood experience she had. Click here to check out Kristen’s other posts on This Mommy Gig.

I love it when I’m reminded just how powerful a group of women can be…

My monthly neighborhood bunko group met this evening, at my house, and though we were two regular members short tonight, it was an absolute BLAST!

Oh, sure, there was food, alcohol, music and cold, hard cash.  But, more than that, there was friendship, laughter and camaraderie.  I look forward to the first Thursday night of every month for that right there.  

Since I was hosting, I was a little bit of a wreck all day today cleaning my house, grocery shopping, trying a few new appetizer recipes (one flopped BIG time, the other one was…hm… let’s just say it was “different”), and trying to keep Angelo from wreaking havoc in the rooms I’d just organized.  That part = not so much fun!  But I knew that in a matter of hours, I’d have a group of 9 wonderful women surrounding me, sharing their stories about work, their kids, their kids’ activities, school, and life in general.  Some of those stories would make me feel grateful for the relative peace and tranquility of my life, and others would make me yearn for a bit more excitement, even - a little - for having a work life to talk about again. 

One of the great things about seeing these women at bunko is that we rotate tables as we win or lose each round, so we each get to see and catch up with just about everyone as the evening goes on.  We had a new sub playing tonight in the place of one of our regular members, and it was so fun to have her there.  She was very vocal about her excitement to finally have been able to join us, and her additions to the various conversations brought a fresh perspective that we’ve lacked when it’s the 12 of us usual suspects.  It was nice.  

Is it the wine making me all sentimental for this group of great girls?  Maybe.  (I won’t lie - I had three glasses!  Who could blame me?  It’s this FABULOUS Classic Demi-Sec from Tabor Hills Winery in Michigan that my in-laws brought a case of for Dan and I the other weekend, and I swear, I just can’t resist! But - I digress…)  

No, I think more than the delicious wine, it’s being reminded - yet again - of how lucky I am to have such wonderful women in my life.  These women are my neighbors.  Neighbors who have become my friends.  I’ve had many girlfriends throughout my 34 years, but I’ve found that those I’ve made in the past few years are among the closest friends I’ve ever known.  I find myself appreciating them so much more now than I ever have before.  And although I adore and cherish my husband and my children to the ends of the earth, I treasure my girlfriends.  The power of 10 women in a room together is palpable, exciting, indomitable.  I love it.  

Here’s to women everywhere!!  

Now, go call up a few girlfriends, find a good bottle of wine (or two…), and remind yourself of how fortunate you are for having great women in your life.  Cheers!  ;)

I’m young, I’m opinionated, and just so amazed at the conflict there still is today between stay-at-home moms,full-time working moms, and the in-betweeners. I’ve been a full-fledged member of the stay-at-home club and have been for the past year a working mom and a definite in-betweener. Since the men in the world first allowed women out of the house to work (ha!), there has been strife about who’s doing the right thing and who’s damaging their children for life (there are various definitions of this, depending on who you’re talking to). I could write for days about the frustrations I’ve had with catty women in my short lifetime, but motherhood has increased that to YEARS of writing. don’t worry, I won’t subject you to all of it today

Just as a teaser, 3 things to think about:

No Moms’ Group will claim me

That’s right. Since I had my daughter in 2005 I’ve tried finding a moms group or playgroup to join. None will accept the likes of me, first because of my location, and now because I, GASP, work. Their nice way of saying it is that I’m too busy and wouldn’t be able to attend enough required sessions. What they really mean is I’m not like them and they don’t like me. Oh, and they actually audition people before letting them join playgroups too. Seriously, all I wanted was women to talk to and kids for my kids to play with, not a “club”, not another job. I guess I just need to make more REAL friends, huh? Oh wait, they all work too and aren’t around to play with during the strange times I have available. Sigh.

Women LOVE to judge other women

Rather than accepting that we’re all part of some strange little club, we (yes, I used to do it too, but quickly realized the error of my ways) LOVE to judge other women for the choices they make. I’ve grown out of it - I accept that the fact that I have choices at all is a LUXURY. It’s a luxury in this society to have the option of working or not working and it’s a luxury to have the time to write about it. The people talking about this are privileged - I treat my privilege to choose as one of the most sacred things there is.

Case in point: This article title “Is the Part-Time Mom Really Helping” on CareerMomma says:

“Clearly my stance will be controversial to some. My appeal is to the masses. Try to see this from the point of view of those who struggle in the full-time realm. It is a great struggle, if you are one of the Stay-at-Home and yet want to work Moms you obviously don’t get it. There are lots of things you can do at home or outside part-time that would utilize your skills without taking away from others. You made a choice, now stick with it.“

Ouch. Can women BE any more harsh? I agree with a lot of her points earlier in the post (read it, it brings up some interesting points about former professional women working part-time for less-than-average pay) but the dividing of women based on lifestyle choice just isn’t helping anyone.

The bright spot

And then there’s this excellent post on Tax Girl that made my heart sing because she said exactly what I’ve always wanted to say. She writes “How Much is Your Mother Worth” about the Salary.com numbers they release every year “valuing” a mother’s work in dollars. I love Tax Girl’s take on this:

Yeah, it’s a little over the top. But you see where I’m headed here. I don’t like attempts to quantify a mother’s job because I think it’s missing the bigger picture. Moms are a valuable and irremovable piece of our greater society. It would be impossible to actually define and quantify the value that moms add to our lives - and dads, too. There are some things, as MasterCard points out, that money just can’t buy.

I’ll let you read the rest of her post to get the full story on the Salary.com numbers and Tax Girl’s excellent business-minded view of why the numbers are silly, but I like how she doesn’t attempt to divide women:

Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying. I think that being a mother, whether a stay at home mother or a working mother, is an enormous job. I do believe that the contributions of mothers to society are routinely ignored and/or undervalued. But attempting to classify the job of being a mom into artful roles doesn’t change that - and I would argue that it makes it worse. Why can’t we just say that being a mom, in and of itself is important? Why do we feel the need to “boost our image” by comparing ourselves with CEOs? Why do we need to attach an hourly rate to our daily activities to give validation to what it is that we do?

Well said, Tax Girl! And as a reformed Tax Female myself, I love that you write about the topic!

Seriously, I’m just another woman, just another person who wants friends to play with and people to like me for me. In the current environment, women who have the luxury of making choices about career are hit from every side - there’s no “right” choice.

If you have the luxury of choosing if and when you work, savor every part of that and know that others don’t have these choices.

If you think for a second about judging, step back for a minute and think about how YOU would feel in the other situation. If you can’t, talk to someone who’s been there.

This has been going on for years - it exhausts me and I’ve only been in this game for 2.5 years. Can’t we all just get along? And yes, that’s also what I used to say on the playground in elementary school, I was THAT kid………….

Don’t even get me STARTED on the other ways women can rip one another apart over motherhood…………..breastfeeding, daycare, preschool, sleeping arrangements, the list goes on……….

This weekend we had a birthday party for my six-year-old. We invited all of his kindergarten classmates so we had about 17 crazy, loud children here for two what-seemed-to-be-MUCH-longer hours.

He’s our oldest (so everything is new to us, too) and we both work full time, so while I do participate in as many activities as possible (volunteer in the classroom once a month; be the “storyteller” every now and then, etc.), I do not see or know the other mothers very much/well. So when they all come to my home and bring their children, it is strange to a) be taking gifts from strangers and b) have them not really talk to me. I found they were very clique-sh and although I would expect that at a party, I don’t expect it when I am the hostess. I mean, isn’t it proper etiquette to at least speak with the hostess a little bit? Only one really did.

The others were almost downright rude - so much so that it had my family in an uproar after the party. Honestly, I didn’t really mind. I wasn’t seeking new friends, we were there for our son and that’s all that matters - he had fun!

Which leads me to a second observation/question… what do you think of dropping your child off at a stranger’s house and leaving? On one hand I think it’s not a big deal and people probably do it all the time, on the other hand I could NEVER do that and am surprised at the ease with which the mommies did so this weekend. Who was going to watch them? How do you know who’s at the party and who they are exposed to? It just seems bizarre to me - I mean these parents don’t know us at all, really, and they are perfectly fine dropping their kids off and leaving? Am I the only one who thinks this is strange? Of course I know we’re fine and normal but, for example, some random lawn dude stopped by in the middle of the party and came walking through the kids in the backyard and I was thinking “who the hell is this guy” before he introduced himself. What if I hadn’t seen him? What if one of the kids talked to him before we knew he was there and he was… well, you know, I’m sure I have an over active mind but I’m interested in what you think.

Lastly, I guess it should not surprise me that the children who were left were the loudest and most obnoxious. At least teach them some manners, people. Then again, if you aren’t around to see how they act I guess you wouldn’t know they are screaming in every adult’s face when they need something… probably trying to make sure someone is paying attention.

Tell me, dear readers, if I’m over sensitive. Is it totally cool to drop your child off at someone’s house that you really don’t know just because they’re having a birthday party? I get it when they’re, you know, 10 or something…but kindergarten-age?